Coming to terms with suicidal finality

I won't detail my issue;its fairly unique and including too much would make this very identifiable. Suffice it to say that it's related to my SO, another female and some compulsion.

The issue is binary and irreconcilable if my SO holds her position. The relationship is heading inexorably towards a split. Should it end, I don't have a place to go or means of support... and don't think I'd quickly or easily support myself, so I've been seriously considering suicide as a solution.

It's gone beyond a mere concept, to a manner, details and logistical planning. I'm considering something not intended as a suicidal gesture and, I think, in a way that I won't walk away from.

It feels odd to have this thing that I can't talk about at all with anyone, so I just wanted to write this here.

I'm not in pain, don't consider myself depressed (although I have no motivation to do much of anything, even things I might enjoy) and my view of the purposes of my life is to have something to look forward to. More and more I foresee the future being more difficulty than I'm prepared to deal with and little or no upside.

Just wanted to put this here- not expecting a solution or anything

OS

Hi Otherwise Specified. It's good you've reached out to tell people how you're feeling. It sounds like you're in a terribly bleak place at the moment.

Should your relationship end, what makes you so sure that no support will be available to you? Break-ups can be awful, and if you're considering suicide, then your situation must be really tough. But as an outsider, it's hard to understand why you feel that your life would have to end if the relationship does. I won't pretend that the break-up will be fun or easy, but maybe instead of marking an end, it could mark a new phase of your life?

If you've put suicide plans into place, I think you need to tell somebody in real life. You don't have to tell them all your reasons, but at least tell them what you are planning. Give yourself a chance to see what help is available and what other options you have.

Otherwise Specified wrote:It feels odd to have this thing that I can't talk about at all with anyone, so I just wanted to write this here.

Why not write more here? You can change any identifying details. You are anonymous here. We don't even know which country you live in, so there's not a big risk that somebody would read your post and know who you are in real life.

Otherwise Specified wrote:More and more I foresee the future being more difficulty than I'm prepared to deal with and little or no upside.

I don't believe we can see the future. We never know what will happen. What you are describing sounds like a loss of all hope. That is an awful feeling, but it is not necessarily reflective of your future. Just because you can't imagine anything good happening doesn't mean that nothing good will happen to you. I hope you can hang in there to see what the future brings.

javert wrote:Hi Otherwise Specified. It's good you've reached out to tell people how you're feeling. It sounds like you're in a terribly bleak place at the moment.

Well, thanks. It's better to speak than not. I've been unable to talk about this out loud before.

javert wrote: Should your relationship end, what makes you so sure that no support will be available to you?

No friends, and no family on my side. The other female involved isn't an option either.

javert wrote: Break-ups can be awful, and if you're considering suicide, then your situation must be really tough. But as an outsider, it's hard to understand why you feel that your life would have to end if the relationship does. I won't pretend that the break-up will be fun or easy, but maybe instead of marking an end, it could mark a new phase of your life?

I have AS or ASD with executive dysfunction or something. The anxiety/procrastination about a job search feels crippling in the best of circumstances. figuring out a living arrangements and a job alone feels impossible to contemplate.

javert wrote:If you've put suicide plans into place, I think you need to tell somebody in real life. You don't have to tell them all your reasons, but at least tell them what you are planning. Give yourself a chance to see what help is available and what other options you have.

No, thanks. I'm not going to give up the modicum of control that I feel by having a way out. I know by voicing these plans any mental health professional would seek official institutionalization.

Javert wrote: Why not write more here? You can change any identifying details. You are anonymous here. We don't even know which country you live in, so there's not a big risk that somebody would read your post and know who you are in real life.

IDK... I prefer privacy and anonymity in my normal life, and it feels vital here. I'm not even sure that the backstory matters. My SO will either find common ground or she doesn't. We're in therapy, too. My private lack of satisfaction combined with a compulsion makes our living less and less tolerable. It's not the issue making me suicidal, it's the concept of being alone, adrift and unprepared that feels impossible to contemplate.

l don't believe we can see the future. We never know what will happen. What you are describing sounds like a loss of all hope. That is an awful feeling, but it is not necessarily reflective of your future. Just because you can't imagine anything good happening doesn't mean that nothing good will happen to you. I hope you can hang in there to see what the future brings.

I just feel i've wasted a decade or two with a constant and unchanging dysfunction. I can't shake the private issue I have, and can't face the world alone. My tears are rare, but I feel them swelling as I contemplate that. I don't get upset thinking about the end. I'm scared of the finality, but I visualize it now, and alone and unprepared is more scary.

Otherwise Specified wrote:No, thanks. I'm not going to give up the modicum of control that I feel by having a way out. I know by voicing these plans any mental health professional would seek official institutionalization.

What about talking to someone other than a mental health professional? There are probably free phone services you can call in your country. It might give you a little comfort or clarity to talk things over in real life.

Personally I don't think you have to give up that control. Suicide is always going to be there as an option. Nobody can take that away from you because nobody has the power to make you immortal. But I would argue that if you feel like you have no way out but to kill yourself, then you have already lost control. When you are in control you can actively make choices between multiple options and you are not forced into any one action.

Otherwise Specified wrote:It's not the issue making me suicidal, it's the concept of being alone, adrift and unprepared that feels impossible to contemplate.

Ah I see. Sorry, I don't think I quite understood before. Can I ask how long you've been with your partner? I don't have AS or ASD but I'm a bit of a loner and know what it's like to not have family or friends I could go to for help. When I was in a relationship it tended to be the focus of my life (with my partner being the only person I was close to), so break-ups felt like a big shift. But being adrift doesn't have to be a bad thing. If your relationship is failing and your family isn't on your side, maybe you're better off without these unsupportive people. You can float away to find new people to attach yourself to...like sailing away to find a new island to settle.

Alone can be hard, but you need only be as alone as you want to be. If you want to be around people, then you may need to work to find them, or at the very least let someone know that you are lonely. Likewise with being unprepared - if you want to be prepared, then start making preparations for the possibility of a break-up. Will you have to find a job immediately? Would there be any support services or welfare available to you? Can the therapist refer you to any support groups? What budget or crisis accommodation is available in your area? You might like to start asking for help now, or put together a list of people or charities you could contact for help when you do need it. Maybe folks in the AS or ASD forums could offer some advice on who you could go to for help in your country?

Otherwise Specified wrote:I just feel i've wasted a decade or two with a constant and unchanging dysfunction. I can't shake the private issue I have, and can't face the world alone.

Whatever your compulsion is, there's a good chance there are others here who have the same issue. Have a look around this site and see if you can find the appropriate forum. You don't have to post about your issue if you don't want to, but there may be other people's posts that you can relate to. You may feel less alone by doing this, or you may even read some tips on how to manage the issue.

I'd say we've all spent time on relationships that didn't last or have struggled with mental health problems that we have not been able to overcome. That doesn't mean that we've wasted our time. We can't win every fight, and sometimes we learn more from our losses. Sometimes we have to accept and live with our flaws. That doesn't mean we've failed.

Don't be too quick to right yourself off. If you've been in a relationship in the past, I see no reason why you couldn't be in one again. You may only be alone and adrift temporarily, and if you can prepare for it, you may find some people or support systems to help you make the time easier to bear.

Please keep writing so that we know what happens with your partner and how you are coping.

Hi

That all sounds like a lot for you to be dealing with and I can understand why you might be considering suicide if things get worse. I would say that things rarely stay as bad as they are currently. I made a serious suicide attempt which I was very lucky to walk away from and things are markedly better for me now despite thinking that they would never improve. I have to say that the main piece of advice I have for you is to tell a MH professional but I gather that is not a route you want to go down. I dont think you would necessarily be admitted tho that is a possibility of course if they assessed you as being a big risk. If you were admitted it might not be a bad thing tho as it is a place of safety - which is sounds like you might well need atm. Anyhow I really hope that things improve for you soon- keep talking to us.

Cracked

javert wrote:What about talking to someone other than a mental health professional? There are probably free phone services you can call in your country. It might give you a little comfort or clarity to talk things over in real life.

Personally I don't think you have to give up that control. Suicide is always going to be there as an option. Nobody can take that away from you because nobody has the power to make you immortal. But I would argue that if you feel like you have no way out but to kill yourself, then you have already lost control. When you are in control you can actively make choicesh between multiple options and you are not force

Right now I guess I am talking about this, at least here. It's good that people listen, and I'm seriously grateful. I am in therapy, even though I won't mention *this* there, they can at least perhaps sort through some of this stuff. The therapy has only been going a couple of months. It's frustratingly slow.

As for crisis lines, I don't intend to teeter on the edge, and call someone to stop me. If I get there, I want quick and final. For what it's worth I'm not suicidal now. I wouldn't push past the self doubt now. I do however think about this in a calculating way; more of a technical problem to perfect. I won't need to worry about lack of control in choosing death, if I am dead.

I'd like not to be considering this. It just is right now. I'm not looking for attention. I don't seek attention (I'm really the opposite.) It would be great if a best case scenario happens. I'm just not holding my breath.

Ah I see. Sorry, I don't think I quite understood before. Can I ask how long you've been with your partner?

I live in the US and I've been married for 13 years.

I don't have AS or ASD but I'm a bit of a loner and know what it's like to not have family or friends I could go to for help. When I was in a relationship it tended to be the focus of my life (with my partner being the only person I was close to), so break-ups felt like a big shift. But being adrift doesn't have to be a bad thing. If your relationship is failing and your family isn't on your side, maybe you're better off without these unsupportive people. You can float away to find new people to attach yourself to...like sailing away to find a new island to settle.

Alone can be hard, but you need only be as alone as you want to be. If you want to be around people, then you may need to work to find them, or at the very least let someone know that you are lonely. Likewise with being unprepared - if you want to be prepared, then start making preparations for the possibility of a break-up. Will you have to find a job immediately? Would there be any support services or welfare available to you? Can the therapist refer you to any support groups? What budget or crisis accommodation is available in your area? You might like to start asking for help now, or put together a list of people or charities you could contact for help when you do need it. Maybe folks in the AS or ASD forums could offer some advice on who you could go to for help in your country.

Thanks for all of the suggestions. They make a lot of sense. All I can tell you is all the encouragement in the world doesn't necessarily get me past social anxiety and executive dysfunction like initiation, planning and flexibility.

Please don't take this as my being dismissive of help. I need a lot of help in some way... Therapy or something to get over what feels like a really cruel set of disorders to be able to function and approach new situations without an unconscious predetermination of failure and a social anxiety that makes me want to not do new unknown things, ever.

Ironically with preparation... Like having a conversation with someone I know, after having opportunity to practice beforehand in my mind... I'm fine.. Certainly good for Asperger's even.

Regardless I am in therapy trying to work on this, but it's not quick enough, and i feel like it might not prepare me in time. It just feels like things are moving too fast for that, and there is this action paralysis, I am faking it through the day, rather than living. I spend too much time on dwelling on what's going wrong.

Whatever your compulsion is, there's a good chance there are others here who have the same issue. Have a look around this site and see if you can find the appropriate forum. You don't have to post about your issue if you don't want to, but there may be other people's posts that you can relate to. You may feel less alone by doing this, or you may even read some tips on how to manage the issue.

I'd say we've all spent time on relationships that didn't last or have struggled with mental health problems that we have not been able to overcome. That doesn't mean that we've wasted our time. We can't win every fight, and sometimes we learn more from our losses. Sometimes we have to accept and live with our flaws. That doesn't mean we've failed.

Don't be too quick to right yourself off. If you've been in a relationship in the past, I see no reason why you couldn't be in one again. You may only be alone and adrift temporarily, and if you can prepare for it, you may find some people or support systems to help you make the time easier to bear.

Please keep writing so that we know what happens with your partner and how you are coping.

Thanks for all of the thoughtful words. I'll try. It's not so bad at the moment but I feel the tension, and therapy can be an awful trigger for problems.

CrackedGirl wrote:*snip* I dont think you would necessarily be admitted tho that is a possibility of course if they assessed you as being a big risk. If you were admitted it might not be a bad thing tho as it is a place of safety - which is sounds like you might well need atm. Anyhow I really hope that things improve for you soon- keep talking to us.

Cracked

Thanks also cracked. I'm not sure why but I just don't want to put myself in that position, or possibly in that position. I guess I just feel that I have to control change in my life now I feel so little control. I wish this was straightforward. :/

I think therapy is frustratingly slow too. But apparently it takes time, unless you want a 'quick fix' to deal only with surface issues.

Otherwise Specified wrote:I've been married for 13 years.

Wow, to me that's a long time. A lot of marriages don't last that long. So whatever happens, I think that's still an achievement, and you must have some good relationship skills.

Another way to look at it is that you weren't always married. There must have been a time before when you were single, and you survived then, so if you've done it once, you can do it again.

Otherwise Specified wrote:ll I can tell you is all the encouragement in the world doesn't necessarily get me past social anxiety and executive dysfunction like initiation, planning and flexibility.

Yeah, I totally agree with this. I have similar issues, and I find it difficult to stick at jobs becaue they stress me out too much. Do you know the Serenity Prayer?

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm not religious, but I still think it can be useful. I don't know if it would help, but maybe consider the factors that make it difficult for you to get a job or get ahead in life. Some of these factors you can probably change, so if you want your life to improve, you may have to work on them. However there may be some factors that you can't change, so you should try to accept them. Don't judge yourself as if you have no problems and should be able to get any job, or compare yourself to other people who don't have the same issues. Instead be realistic and reasonable with yourself. I don't even bother looking at full-time job opportunities because I know that I don't cope well with working five days a week.

Otherwise Specified wrote:Ironically with preparation... Like having a conversation with someone I know, after having opportunity to practice beforehand in my mind... I'm fine.. Certainly good for Asperger's even.

This is a real strength - don't forget it! If you know that it's important for you to feel prepared, then whenever possible, try to support yourself in that way. It sounds like you would find a job with lots of routine or established 'processes' more enjoyable than one where you would have to deal with spontaneous demands.

Otherwise Specified wrote: I spend too much time on dwelling on what's going wrong.

I do that too. You recognise that you do it, so you can work on it if you want to.

Hi Otherwise Specified, I was just wondering how things are going for you. I hope you are okay.

javert wrote:Hi Otherwise Specified, I was just wondering how things are going for you. I hope you are okay.

Meh. No change. Like a low level hum of bad. Wife said something truly insulting and (what should be) upsetting, and I didn't feel a thing about it.

Thanks very much for your concern here.

Its great that people care.

Otherwise Specified wrote:Wife said something truly insulting and (what should be) upsetting, and I didn't feel a thing about it.

Do you think your wife realised that she insulted you?
Why do you think you didn't feel anything in response? Is it because you were already hurting, so it didn't seem to make any difference? (Sometimes I feel like that when things keep going wrong - it's as if one more problem is irrelevant because I already feel defeated.)

It might be worth telling your wife that she insulted you. Even if it didn't make you feel worse, I can't imagine it could help how you both feel about your marriage.

Otherwise Specified wrote:Thanks very much for your concern here.

You're welcome. Keep in mind that you can start new topics and post on other forums. Different members will have different insight or opinions - there may be some people here who have had to deal with a similar situation but who don't read the Clinical Depression forum.