Unsure of sexual thoughts... (long)

Hey everyone. I’m new to this forum, so please let me know if anything in this post is inappropriate for the forum; I will tend to it immediately.

I prefer to remain anonymous, but I will reveal that I am 19 years old.

Feel free to ask me any questions.


For the last 5 or so years, I have dealt with what I think to be intrusive thoughts. The sexual ones bother me the most. I fear being attracted to my mother, being gay, being a pedophile, etc. The ones about my mom are the worst, though; they are the most prominent, powerful, and convincing. (The thoughts about my mom are the focus of the following text.)

Since these thoughts started, they have pretty much been the biggest secret of my life. I feel self-conscious of my "normalness", so to speak. In addition to the thoughts themselves, I worry about what their implications are... Do I like these thoughts? Do subconsciously - or even consciously - want to engage in these acts? I can't tell. When I try to analyze if I want or enjoy these thoughts, it's like one part of my mind says "yes", while the other says "no." I find the thoughts gross and would never act on them... or would I? I can convince myself that I don't actually enjoy or want these thoughts, but there is often - if not always - a little voice in the back of my head that tells me "You're just kidding yourself. That's messed up but you like it." If I'm scared that I like or want the thoughts, I will feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, self-conscious, and sometimes nauseous and/or physically gross at my crotch.

After about 4 years, I got sick of analyzing and dealing with these thoughts alone. So, I began searching for an explanation. From what I found on the Internet, I suffer from intrusive thoughts. Shortly after this, I began to see a therapist whom I confided in. He says that I am clinically depressed and that I engage in "obsessive thinking.” However, he explicitly says that I’m not OCD. After a few weeks of talking with my new therapist, I started taking 50 mg tablets of the SSRI antidepressant Fluvoxamine (the generic of Luvox).

Here’s where my issue lies - I’m still not convinced that I’m ok. Despite the many stories I’ve read (ones similar to mine, like this one: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=192066) and what my therapist says, I still feel messed up. I still have these thoughts, and they still make me feel disgusting. They really kill me when they come up during masturbation, and specifically when climaxing. The climax feels good in itself, but guilt and shame arise from the awful mix of a pleasurable physical response and weird thoughts. I try to replace the thoughts and remind myself that it’s ok, but there is just too much doubt and second-guessing. Sometimes I can keep the bad thoughts at bay, and attain “sexually healthy/normal” thoughts and visuals. But, even then, it’s like the bad thoughts are playing in the back of my mind. When the bad thoughts aren’t there, I feel like I am denying the real truth that I enjoy and want them.

All of this has really destroyed my enjoyment of sexual thoughts, sex life, and masturbation. I am afraid to get romantically involved with girls because I don’t want to have these thoughts while with them - casually or intimately. Sometimes I avoid masturbating for days at a time, just so that I don’t have to deal with it. I'm afraid that the more the thoughts arise when I masturbate or have sex, the more they will be solidified, and thus the more messed up I will be.

Additionally, I feel that my relationship with my mom is more distant than it should be. I tend to avoid being with her or hugging her because it makes me feel uncomfortable. Even when we are getting along and bonding, I still feel bad about the thoughts. I fear the exposure of these thoughts so much.

So, what’s my deal?? Do I have a serious sexual identification problem? Are these thoughts my actual desires? It feels like they are, but at the same time it feels like they aren't. Do I have a reason to feel ashamed? It feels real sometimes, but I can’t tell if that feeling of realness is actually real itself. Or, is it OCD or obsessive thinking? Are these linked with clinical depression?

Honestly, I am so doubtful and confused about all this that I think I still won’t accept any of the support or explanations that you all or my therapist provide. My schema is that I'm messed up; it’s what I believe. I feel like I’ll never get over this.

Admittedly, I stopped taking my antidepressant a few weeks ago because I thought I didn’t really need it. However, even while on the medication, I still had trouble.

Should I be on medication? If so, do you have any recommendations that I should look into? I don’t really know where to start.


Thanks for reading. Your responses mean a lot to me.

I can relate to obsessive thinking. Mine is related to depression/anxiety, I don't have any compulsions, but definitely the obsessive thinking. I think its best not to worry too much about a formal diagnosis, rather find what treatments work for you, which is always the hardest part.

I understand having intrusive and obsessive thoughts which make you feel repulsive and deeply ashamed. I will say I think you are terribly brave to tell your therapist, well done, that is a terribly difficult feat which most people never get to (I'm still working on it after many years). So it sounds like you trust this therapist, even a little? If so, I strongly suggest you keep going if you can, because talking things out is going to help immensely. I've found medications do help the ruminations, they don't take them away though. Is this the first med you've tried? Perhaps you may need to try a few before you find one that works for you.

I hope things start working out a bit better, there is hope and you don't need to live like this because of these thoughts.

I wish you well.