I hate my friends

I have an amazing group of friends. They are honestly the best people I've ever met in my entire life. There's ten of us, guys and girls, and we're super all super close. Everyone cares about each other so much. I've never seen anything like it.

I used to love them completely. I would find myself thinking quite often about how lucky I am to have them and how I couldn't imagine not having them in my life. But in the past month, and the past weeks especially, my depression has gotten bad. Those feelings have disappeared. I have to force myself to hang out with them because logically I know that I still care even if I don't feel it. It's a chore though, and I spend the entire time trying to look like I'm having a great time while in my head I'm counting down the hours until I can go home and be alone again.

I used to spend EVERY DAY with them. I never got tired of them. But now I hate being around them.

They have changed a bit. The thing I loved most about them was how laid back everything was. We would hang out, watch funny videos, and just laugh our asses off. No pressure, no expectations. Just a bunch of people not giving a f, having a great time together. But now everything's about who in the group is sleeping with who. And who's coupling up with who. And then there's our one friend who bitches about EVERY LITTLE F'ING THING. And I don't see them as my escape anymore. They're no longer the comfortable, drama free people I can run to when I need to relax and have a good time.

So it's kinda a problem of chicken vs egg. Is it my depression that's making me hate them, or have they became just another thing in my life that's making me depressed?

I guess what I'm asking is, has anyone else suddenly started disliking the most important people in your life solely because of your depression? Because I'm really hoping that this is a symptom, not a cause...

You probably "hate" your friends because they are happy and you are not. And because they care about things you don't find important right now.

You seem moderately depressed, I don't know if you are getting help, but if not, you should. Depression, like anxiety and several other conditions, makes you believe lies and ignore truth. Your depression is telling you that you are better off sitting alone. You are not. It's a conflict of interests there. Follow who you really are, not what your depression is trying to talk you into being.

If you are able to do so, tell your friends how you feel. If they really are great friends, they will understand and support you. Friends always do. You are going through a temporary condition, you will be happy again and you will care again.

I know you will be OK.

Hey purplepill,

I know exactly what you mean!
I have noticed since my depression has gotten worse that i have been feeling alot of anger towards my mum. I used to see her everyday but now i have to force myself to be around her. I do still love her but everything she says or does annoys me and i snap at her constantly.
I don't enjoy being around people anyomre, I prefer to be left alone, it easier than pretending. I have tried to explain to friends/family and they've been great about it but they still get a bit annoyed at me. Can't really blame them. I know its just the depression tho and hopefully with time it will get better.
Maybe you could try spending a little time less often with your friends so that you can look forward to seeing them and you won't be counting down the hours. As afraidofdiseases said, if they are good friends they will understand and support you.
I hope it helps to know its not just you!

willow

Purplepill,

I can't express how well I know what you're feeling! When I read your post, it almost bring tears to my eyes how strongly I feel like I'm reading something I wrote myself. I've been through almost exactly the same thing, off and on, with my best friends -- we are all mutual friends with each other, just like your group. Sometimes they are my lifeblood, but I have gone through periods of time where I absolutely couldn't stand them, thought that they didn't give a $#%^ about me, etc. And, like you say about your friend who complains about every little thing, the things I hate about them were way up in the foreground, making any fun I ever had with them seem empty and bogus. I would say, "It's just your depression talking, ignore it" but I know better -- you *can't* ignore it; I know all too well how real those thoughts and feelings seem, regardless of whether they are grounded in actual reality. I wish I had much of any advice to offer you, other than to ride it out as well as you can. At the very least, you have my sympathy, and in the truest sense, empathy.

Thanks for the replies! I guess I just really wanted to hear that this is something that other people have experienced with depression too, and that it will go away when the depression does.

I went to the doctor and got a prescription for celexa, which I'm going to start taking Friday (Thursday is my 21st, and I refuse to let this take that away from me--I've been looking forward to it for way too long).

I have a big issue with opening up to people, especially about problems, because I'm afraid they'll judge me. I know my friends would be completely supportive, and that they would do whatever it takes to help me through it. But I'm afraid that they would think of me differently. I want them to see me as a strong, happy person because that is what I strive to be. That would all change if they knew what I've been going through.

I don't think I'm so much jealous and bothered by their happiness, because I would be upset to find out that they're anything but happy (and I think they would feel the same way, which is another reason why I don't want to tell them). But I do definitely think it takes a lot of energy out of me to be around them BECAUSE they are happy. When I'm with them I have to force myself to be on their level, which is exhausting.

I did tell my one friend though (after a few drinks...) and it was the weirdest thing. I had no intention of telling anyone and I still don't even know why I did, but as soon as I told her she confessed that she had been feeling the exact same way. She had been hiding it from them too. It makes me really happy that I said something because now I don't feel so alone, but I don't plan on saying anything to anyone else about it. One person is enough for me, especially someone who can relate so well.

Now that I've established that this is all the depression, does it go away? Like how long after starting antidepressants (or after finding one that actually works for me.. I've read around enough to expect some trial and error before finding the right drug/dose) can I expect to be able to WANT to be around them again? Is this going to go away quickly, or is it something that I'll have to fight with for a while?