Situation, is there an end to this at all?

I've been depressed for almost half of my life now. I feel like a fairly worthless person for a couple of reasons, first because I can't go to school and get finished with it as fast as I would otherwise like too because in order to get funding I can only do two courses in a semester. I can't work because I have a pain condition that sometimes makes it so painful that I can't even walk, and I really will never be able to understand social norms no matter how hard I work on them because of my asperger syndrome.

I'm fairly high functioning, and can feel empathy more than most people with asperger syndrome that I have met, in fact most people I talk to can barely tell I have it, if at all. But I'll never get it exactly right, I'll never know how to take the next step in a relationship to turn it into something more, I'm not smart enough in that area I suppose, I don't think I'll ever learn to be that way either.

Once people find out how insecure I am, or that I'm sad a lot of the time, they want nothing to do with me. A friend of mine that I was recently getting fairly close too just tossed me aside like garbage without even telling me recently for that reason. She hasn't talked to me in months and honestly I don't think I'll ever find a person like that any time soon.

I'm twenty two, never been in any sort of relationship before, I can't leave the house all that often because the family is not under budgetary constraints that didn't used to be a problem. Gas is just too damned expensive, and I live in the middle of nowhere.

Right now I'm on medication (Cymbalta). I'm pretty damned sure it's affecting my heart now, it's affected my libido at least a little bit, I'm dizzy, and I don't really have a whole lot of energy (although to be fair I've never really had all that much energy since I've been depressed).

Should my psychiatrist really just upping my dose? I'm getting to the point where I can't stand this anymore. I've already decided that if I'm thirty and this is still happening I'm going to kill myself. I just can't bare the thought of doing this for another ten years. Scaring people away, having everything bad happening to me blamed on my lack of belief in my family's religion (a religion which I feel has hurt me), and then having my Dad come home just to tell me how much of a failure I am, the cycle just repeats over and over...

I know this was sort of rant-like but I don't know what to do now...

Im sorry to hear your current situation. I understand feeling so alone and isolated, trapped in your mind.

Honestly, it seems like your medication isnt working, and thats what you need to try and focus on, try not to focus on the lack of hope, because once you find the right meds, you can start working on the things you need to in order to help gain some of your life back. Ive also been on Cymbalta before, for me it was helpful to a point, it reduced the suicidal ideation but it didnt do much for my depression. I did keep on it for about 18 months but it just didnt do enough, even with augmenting it. You dont mentioned augmenting, is this something your psychiatrist has suggested? Or perhaps you might do better on a different medication? Just keep your options open, keep talking to your psychiatrist, let them know when things arent working.

I hope things look better soon, its a horrible place to be in. Just remember you arent alone, and you arent going to feel like this forever. I wish you well

-- Wed Dec 19, 2012 7:59 pm --

Im sorry to hear your current situation. I understand feeling so alone and isolated, trapped in your mind.

Honestly, it seems like your medication isnt working, and thats what you need to try and focus on, try not to focus on the lack of hope, because once you find the right meds, you can start working on the things you need to in order to help gain some of your life back. Ive also been on Cymbalta before, for me it was helpful to a point, it reduced the suicidal ideation but it didnt do much for my depression. I did keep on it for about 18 months but it just didnt do enough, even with augmenting it. You dont mentioned augmenting, is this something your psychiatrist has suggested? Or perhaps you might do better on a different medication? Just keep your options open, keep talking to your psychiatrist, let them know when things arent working.

I hope things look better soon, its a horrible place to be in. Just remember you arent alone, and you arent going to feel like this forever. I wish you well

It's gotten worse since I've been here and I'm feeling like I might have to move out of my house soon. if that's the case then I'll be getting a forklift license or something and I can forget about any potential career. I'll be out of the house but still feeling the same way as I always have been, still scared of going out and still alone.

I'm 43, I have dealt with depression since my oldest friend killed himself when I was 16. I got diagnosed with aspergers two years ago, along with both forms of anxiety, clinical depression, and some vague stuff (yes, psychiatrists can get vague when they tell you something is wrong, get used to it and learn to prod the hell out of them for more, they will half-ass it if you let them).

I have had thoughts of suicide for years, but the last three have been really rough. And yes, many friends will leave you once they find out what is wrong. Others will become loyal as hell, even if there is little they can do. Others will walk a delicate line as one of my friends does. Great guy, but because of trauma in is own life as a child he doesn't respond well when I have a meltdown. He gets up, not saying a thing, and walks out. He won't answer the phone, email, or anything from me for weeks. But, a few months later (this has happened twice in the last two years) I call and all is good again. You will have to get used to this if you are not one of the lucky ones that magically overcome depression completely (in my experience this is rare).

I have paranoia over authority figures: suffer nightmares, mild anxiety hallucinations, and shutdown in their presence emotionally and say whatever it will take for them to not yell at me or kill me for being a homo retard that needs to die. So psychiatric hospitals, doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, case workers... all of them terrify me and are of no use because I can't trust them (I "know" they want me dead. Thank you PTSD of being told to go die by a few professionals years ago. One even ordered me killed by others).

But, if you do NOT have these issues, you are young yet, you have hope you do not yet realize. I can tell you from twenty-six years of depression, anxiety, and PTSD that it only gets worse with age, but at the same time humans are damned adaptable. It is amazing what we can adjust to. I have nightmares, but sleep loss worsens my risk of despair bouts. Answer? Stay up late reading (I used to game, until I found out I have severe fixation issues for addictive things, so nine years ago I stopped playing 99% of them) until sleepy. Now off my last meds sleep is hard for me to sleep, because well that is the nature of pills. They mess with things. They fix one, destabilize another.

You need to also realize many doctors will ignore your aspergers or tell you like my last psychologist that you "can't have" aspergers. When asked why, they just tell you you can't have it. I was, repeatedly. But aspergers also alters they way meds work on you. I was on an anti psychotic that in autistics helps with anxiety and the aggression issues. But since I came off that pill, I forced the issue because I wanted to know if it was doing anything after two years, and some of the aggression returned I have learned how to be aware of it and RESIST it.

That is what a lot of US health care professionals won't tell you or try to do. You should learn how to be proactive, empowered, not dependent on pills. Hell the companies making the things openly tell you you are only supposed to be on them to STABILIZE you, not as a lifestyle. This is where finding a good professional TEAM is necessary. You need a team to help you. Psychiatrist to stabilize you. Psychologist to help you understand what is going on and how to treat it. And a therapist and/or support group to in act treatment. (trust me, this is not as easy as it sounds. Twenty-six years, I have never seen it. But i have rich friends that have, so it is real.)

If you have access to county services or family insurance or state agencies such as MHMRA (they are federal, so they probably are in your area though not near by), try them. Now understand this about govt aid on these things: they are slow, frustrating, and you may get blown off, a lot. And even when you get in... it may take several tries to find one therapist/psychologist that actually is competent OR a match for you.

Therapy is a strange creature. It is like relationships. I mean think about it. Anyone female of the human race can have sex with you (I'm male, so...), make babies, live with you, etc. So why is it so hard to find ONE that sticks? Simple: we are all different. "Professionals" are the same way. It is a relationship with them and sometimes it can take years to find one that fits.

I'm on disability now. I have a son 1000 miles away I get to see once a year though for the first seven years of his life I raised him daily. I just found out the person I was hoping could help me pay for this next therapist, can't. He has a baby on the way now.

Psychiatrist has tried a small handful of pills on me, but I can't afford increases nor the side effects (you will have some side effects if you are unlucky, that will never go away). Don't let people tell you to go to the psychiatric hospital for depression. Yeah, you want to die, you try to cut yourself open, go for it. They only observe you for 72hrs to determine if you are a risk to yourself or others, that is it, unless you have the money or insurance to afford $1000/day (which is what the cheap places around here cost). Other wise, they just boot you after 72hrs, give you a list of people to go to, and don't even provide letters of recommendation.

But, if you are jamming knives into your arteries, those places will keep you alive until the urge passes so you can then go get real help. Understand the strengths and weaknesses of the world around you AND yourself.

Friends online is what saved my life three years ago, not doctors, family (my own mother walked out of the house and avoided me for two days and still pretends nothing happened after police came to the house for a 911 call about I want to kill myself just three weeks ago), friends, or professionals. Hell, first psychologist I went to after online friends intervened in real world? She used to send me home from sessions wanting to die and told me to shutup about it. It wasn't that bad. She also screamed at me. "I'm the one with the phd, listen to me, SHUT-UP!"

Friends, real world or out here are who will keep you alive. We are social creatures, and psychology, regardless of what some professionals will try to tell you, cannot be forced. If you are not ready to cope with something, screaming at you to deal with it only causes PTSD issues (I know, I have a few).

You feel the need to talk with someone that has been down your road for a long long time, and who will talk about how it feels to want to die, emptiness, loneliness, despair, but NEVER HAS ATTEMPTED SUICIDE regardless of what the voices have told me to do... PM me.

But, if you are just someone whining and wanting attention... life will have one hell of bumpy road ahead of you. Trust me. I did it. Soooo many regrets.