Depression is all I have

I don't like being depressed but if someone said they could cure me tomorrow I'm not sure I do it. What would I be without it? Sometimes it feels like misery and depression are the only things that are real in my life. I've been depressed since childhood. What person would I be if I weren't? It wouldn't be me. That's why I'm scared of recovery or even trying to recover. It's such a big part of my personality, maybe it's the main thing that makes me me. But I know it's not good for me and I want to be to be a happy person but that would mean letting go of the only version of me I've ever known.

What do you really have to lose?

You'd still be who you are, only happier. It feels so much better and all those things you didn't think you could do suddenly become possible.

Yes I sometimes contemplate that. For me, being depressed is calming, I can control it, I know what to expect, so for me I prefer being depressed to not being depressed (which for me is super anxious and a tad hypomanic). Its hard, I dont want to be suicidal depressed, but I do want to be calm, and for me that is accepting that I will always be slightly dysthymic, which is something I hope to get to at some point. Its not for everyone, I accept some people would change in an instant. but for me, if I got to a dysthymic state, it would suit me for now.

I know what you mean wanderer. Before I thought that getting better or being normal was a waste of time. My other problems still wouldn't be resolved. My physical pain would still be there. Living with sadness and fear was something I had gotten used to. Isolation felt good.

Take that next step like I did.I promise you won't regret being happy.