Who wants to die?

Kat -Are you saying that you are not in control of your self? Then who is? You are not in control of your brain? Do you know who you are? Tell me more

It s something Ive had great difficulty in explaining to my friends and my therapist.

It honestly as if I black out. Im aware of what Im doing, but when I stop and come out of it, I feel as if I wasn't there and as if something took over. Its not someone taking over, I think its just my brain shutting down because it can't process whatever information Im having to take in at the time.

I understand this is a horrible explanation, its something I find very difficult to explain, plus its been like 2 months since I last cut, so things are a bit blurry.

The last time I did it, I remember attempting to distract myself from cutting, so I got some bottles and starting smashing them and throwing them off walls to try and get things out or away and I remember that feeling like a complete kinda blackout.

Sometimes when I get that feeling I just start trashing things, like my room, my fone or my computer, if those have been the source of my bad feelings. And when I do that I get the same feeling.

It is good that you haven’t cut your self for a while; keep up the good thing.
I truly think if you knew what went on you could then prevent it, or even take control & get out. I think you can find out by asking your self questions such as "why"..& try to understand.

Ex What happens in bock out? You are aware of what happening, but can you change it? Are you saying if there were no block outs you would never do it consciously? And you start to wanting to do it when you feel…? Frustration? Anger? –what? What you mean by trashing? like throwing things around, and then you get same feeling as when you want to cut your self or, is it bad or good thing? How do you know that they are the source? Can a person be a source? Is there times when you get same feeling but you can’t do anything (let say public) or do you steel block out? Can you control it in public?