I am accelerating towards my pointless death, please slow me

Hi, my name is Josh and I have clinical depression.

I don't even know where to begin. I lost my mom when I was 14, was raised by my gramma, lost her last year, both to tumors. I'm a 23 year old first year grad student of clinical psychology (surprising, I know). I never met my dad, and I don't have a lot of close (or really, any) friends. I have a tendency to let people slip out of my life, even beloved people- especially beloved people. I have struggled with depression I guess since my freshmen year of college, but my current bout is the worst and most debilitating I've experienced. I was in a 2 year relationship with a very unstable and abusive woman. I left because I knew I'd kill myself if I didn't. While this relationship annihilated me, I adopted her son and he is the spine of my existence.

I scraped by this semester somehow, but my depression is swallowing me and I doubt my ability to complete grad school, adequately take care of my son or continue a meaningful relationship with a woman I love. I think about death often. I get physical relief from the thought of my death, it almost fascinates me. My plans of killing myself are becoming less of a fantasy and more of a means of coping. These thoughts have become a permanent fixture in how I navigate my emotional problems. I have begun contemplating with great detail, including time, date, place, method, note, etc. My plans are agonizing, e.g. throwing myself backwards hard enough to crack open my school and bleeding out as my body seizures and I choke on sticky blood.

I desperately need relief. I've called a suicide hotline, I've reached out to friends, I've tried applying cognitive restructuring and other things I've learned, but in the end I feel the same. Somebody please, please... just tell me someday this too shall pass.

*huge hugz*

This will pass, Josh. It sounds like you're going through so much right now and the stress must be eating away at you. It's good that you have your son to keep you grounded - hold on to that until you feel better, ok?

Part of the problems seems to be your sense of loneliness, which has been a life-long thing. Would you feel comfortable with trying a support group? It doesn't necessarily have to be for people with depression. There are groups out there for people who have huge amounts of stress, are single parents, have trouble with romantic relationships, or are dealing with loss. You've had a lot of loss in your life and I wonder if you've had the chance to properly grieve?

Thinking of suicide in such detail is a coping mechanism for now, and I understand how that works. In an odd way it's reassuring. It does become problematic over time when the thoughts turn into planning, and those plans are made concrete. If you're getting to the point where the plans are going to take place please, please, please get help. There is no taking back your life once it's been extinguished, and there is no relief in it, either.

Keep talking. It does get better.

My life has been quite similar, so I recognise the pain and excruciating suffering that comes with suicidal thoughts. It will lessen somewhat, because things never stay the same. Just remember you are not alone, there is always someone on here willing to listen.

And now to take my own advice....

hey josh, before i go into my post, i wanted to include a quote i came across

"Never give up, never lose hope. Always have faith, it allows you to cope. Trying times will pass, as they always do. Just have patience, your dreams will come true. So put on a smile, you'll live through your pain. Know it will pass, and strength you will gain."

in my experience suicidal thoughts/fantasies come not from terrible situations or intense pain, but our belief that we won't get through it. all of it will indeed pass, and one of the best ways for coping is trying to accept these feelings and the situation your in while keeping in my things will get better. i know it's easier said than done, but resistance only makes it worse. also keep in mind difficult experiences will make you come stronger from them.

also try not to worry too much about grad school, taking care of your son, and having a meaningful relationship. you will get through this and be able to do all those things, additionally you can use that as motivation.

and consider therapy which can be very helpful in managing emotions and resolving things, even you feel you don't need it, having that support and someone working with you can make a big difference.

Thank you all for your kind words, they are incredibly encouraging. I'm starting to regress to the mean, and this episode seems to be calming down. I have decided to at least have an intake interview with someone and start putting serious effort into getting better. Once again, thanks all.