Realization hit, I think I'm done. 48 hours!

No matter what I do, I cannot be happy. I have tried dating both genders, I have tried changing my own gender. I've gone to extremes such as those. At this point, I'm not sure if I'm actually transsexual or if I just want to change myself, hoping everything else will change as well.
I tried eating healthier, sleeping more. It only made it worse, because food (and soda) are the things that distract me.

I've tried being a people-person, loving everyone and befriending everyone but it was forced because I just don't care about anyone anymore. Not even my friends, not even my sisters.
I tried doing the opposite, hating everyone and pushing everyone away, but even the hatred and anger was forced. I just can't care anymore.

I either feel overwhelmed by life, miserable, guilty, unwanted or as though I don't belong.
I tried suicide hotlines, I tried suicide and depression chatrooms, forums, emails. No one can help me, no one says what I want to hear, but I want them to say it without me having to ask, otherwise it's meaningless so I won't post wha ti want to hear on this website.

I'm giving it 48 hours. Tomorrow, and an entire day of school. If I can't find SOMETHING, some reason that isn't literally living for someone else, I will stay alive. Otherwise, I just can't do it anymore. I'll take a bottle of pain-killers from when I had my tonsils removed, chug a bottle of sleep-meds and whatever else I can find, slit my wrists and be done with it all.

If anyone can give me one reason that isn't 'people care and will miss you', or that I'll go to hell, PLEASE enlighten me on that. Thank you, and sorry for this post if it's bothersome.

*HUGE huge hugs* hon
I am really sorry you are feeling so badly. I don’t know what you want to hear. I know the things you have tried haven’t worked so far. I think you need to try some other options. There is still hope and your life can improve. Do you have a doctor? You don’t mention going to any mental health professionals. You talk about not caring anymore so you may be depressed. There are treatments that can help. If you are underage you need to go to your parents and tell them about this. If you are older, I really encourage you to go to an emergency room and tell them your plans, maybe get yourself admitted and work to beat this. I know that is scary but so is killing yourself. Please let us know how you are. *more hugs*

rainbow-productions wrote:If anyone can give me one reason that isn't 'people care and will miss you', or that I'll go to hell, PLEASE enlighten me on that. Thank you, and sorry for this post if it's bothersome.

What have you tried so far to please yourself apart from playing around with your sexuality?
There's a lot of adrenaline rushing stuff out there you can try to give you a glimpse of feeling alive.
You may want to try these as you already don't care about your life anyway.
A cheap way to get some kick is train surfing (if you have any trains around you) and if it goes wrong, you won't care anyway; at least according to your post.

If you happen to be bored by such things as well, I wish you success.

btw: People are assholes if they want to force you to live on just because you would hurt these #####& by dying. So don't give a $#%^ about them. They suck.

Hi

I have BP but I have been where you are when depressed and made a good effort at killing myself - tho clearly not good enough. I dont have any big words of wisdom and I dont know what you want to hear to make you feel better but I will say that with a lot of hard work and some support things got better for me even tho I never thought they will. It is not easy tho and it may be that you think you have worked hard enough already. I cant condone you killing yourself but I do understand where you are coming from atm. I would also want to know who you are seeing and what help you are getting as it does not sound like it is enough to me. Sometimes with MH problems it can be very difficult to get the help we need and I wonder if that is an issue for you.

Please take good care of yourself, keep safe and please let us know if you are OK or not.

Cracked

My mom knows that I needed help. I asked her a while back, on 3 seperate occasions, to get me professional help because I was depressed.
I am not seeing a doctor because I'm underage. I've tried changing sexuality, personality, I haven't tried drugs beyond smoking cigarettes and they were pretty useless. (I quit just likethat, no addiction whatsoever after a month of smoking.) I tried my best to fix everything that was wrong in my life, (family troubles, friend's lives, etc etc) but even when everything is going fine I see no reason to live, and I see the horrible things that happen to people and it's useless.

I think it would be a really good plan to keep telling your Mum how bad things are for you and that you are struggling. If needs be tell her you need to go to the hospital because you are a risk to yourself.

Keep safe

Cracked

The times I have told my mother about my problems, she has either laughed (as in mocked me or made fun of me) or brushed it off as nothing. She will not take me seriously and, even when I have outright stated that I wanted to kill myself, she says that all teenagers feel that way and that it's normal. Well, if it was really normal, I dont' suppose there would be another generation, seeing as how each and every teenager would be suicidal.
We don't have the money anyway, for me to be hospitalized. And honestly, it sounds terrible.

I apologize for the bothersome post. I had just gotten off the phone with a suicide htline, and it botheredme that they didn't help even when I said specifically what I wanted them to say. I was stressed out, and the holidays depress me even further.

I'm okay now, for the time being, and I will not be attempting suicide regardless of whether something changes. I wanted to hear "Things will get better", or "Things won't always be this way", and although no one said it, it really helps that people that I don't even know care so much.

Thank you to all that replied with kind words.

Your post is not bothersome at all. If you need ppl to talk to we are here for you, so keep posting when ever you feel like it. I’m glad you called the hotline and are doing okay. Also, thanks for telling us what you wanted to hear. I was curious. I did mention that there is hope and your life “can” improve. Things most likely “will” get better. I think I just have a problem predicting the future in general so I keep away from making definite statements about the future. I can say and agree with “Things won’t always be this way.” Life is filled with changes. I really hope your life changes for the better. You deserve it. *hugs*

While you may or may not be suffering from depression, it sounds like you have deeply ingrained personality / self identify issues which might needs years in therapy to get a hold of.

It sounds like you have issues with your environment, and your mother. Your mother does NOT sound supportive and she SHOULD acknowledge your feelings seriously when you tell her.

Please understand that you sound young, and these sorts of problems are often most severe in the teenage years, if you don't give up, but work at changing your environment and working on your internal problems, you definitely can have a bright future ahead of you. Sounds like your going through a very rough part of your life.

I honestly wish you the best of luck, and please don't harm yourself, you don't deserve that.