Please help

Hello everyone,

Firstly, I would like to apologize if I posted this in the wrong subforum. I don't know where I fall and am a little afraid of going to see a professional because I don't know what, if anything is screwed up about me.

General Background: I am currently a student and do rather well academically and participate in activities outside of classes. I do well in these two. Externally, I appear as an ambitious, curious/inquisitive, 'smart' person albeit unhappy and always tired. I also suffer from some skin problems, which are not exactly debilitating but I think hurt me to some extent. Also, I'm an only child with strict parents who sometimes hit me when I was younger (not spanking, slapping and that stuff). I think one of my parents has some anger and instability issues. Both suffer from various disappointments but in their own way, love me.

Problem: I am constantly moody and upset and tired and I can only do things if I really, really need to. Even when I get enough sleep, I'm still exhausted. I hate very easily, feel emotionally crushed if someone is even somewhat 'rude' or dismissive or condescending towards me. At the same time, I am very interested in helping people (genuinely), have a hard time seeing people in pain and think frequently about the meaning of life and God and all those things. I also have absurd sexual fantasies where I've lost everything and am stuck with this attractive but cold and callous person who tortures me and does all kinds of insane things. It's not always sexual in nature and I know if always get sexually turned on because of it. These detailed fantasies did not begin to happen until I was somewhat older but I feel like I've always been attracted to this stuff.

I don't know if my childhood had anything to do with it. I moved to a school district when I was younger from one where I felt more comfortable and did not develop strong friendships there until a certain year after which I immediately had to move to a different country. Some years ago (4), I had lots of insecurity issues regarding my clothing and money and later my looks which disappeared for a while when I started looking nice and then came back when the skin problems attacked. I was a little childish (woke up late, went to school late) and didn't work that hard (got a few Bs) and so the parent I was living with continually became upset and could not fulfill the previous plan and decided to move to the aforementioned place with my other parent.

After moving, I've had a really hard time opening up to people. My old school for me had lots of opportunities, though I blew a few because of my laziness and my random mood changes and weird sensitivity. My new school has very little of those things, I don't like the people and while I've had some professional opportunities open up for me due to moving, I'm rarely happy and am not close with anyone. I try talking with people sometimes and while I'm polite and caring, I don't really open up. I have tried talking to adults around me about this but I've always hesitated to go into depth with these things because they're awkward...and my family is just not that type.

I'm trying to find religion but I don't understand some things yet and have a hard time connecting and 'feeling'. I'm very concerned about all of this behavior because it affects me mentally and also affects my ability to do well in my studies and other activities. This year is quite crazy and I really need to work stuff out or I think I will be unhappy for a long time and disappoint my family.

So yeah, I don't know. What is wrong with me? Is anything wrong with me? Am I just being a moody adolescent? I just want to be good and happy.

Thank you all for reading this! I appreciate all advice.

To me (but I'm not a professional) you don't seem very depressed. That said, you should consider seeing a professional because you are obviously struggling with inner tension and your condition is very treatable.

I think many of your reactions are caused by your childhood. You do want to help people, but you're often feeling hate. I believe you have some anger towards something, and possibly guilt about something (that is not your fault) that you are trying to suppress and/or relief by being very kind and helpful. You also seem to suffer from some existensial anxiety and uncertainness. Your fantasies are also very normal when you've been through what you've been through. You love your parents but you've been hurt by them. So you connect love with being hurt. This is treatable.

Is this normal? We are all different, so it's not easy to define what is normal and not. However, you seem to suffer from this, so I would recommend talking to a professional. It's not dangerous and you are not insane. But your condition is, as I mentioned, very treatable, so I would recommend talking to someone. It really helps.

Welcome to the forum. Don't worry we are a very open community so you can ask whatever you want.

I think you life experiences have create a lot of insecurities in your mind. But this is not a fatality and as young curious person you could learn through new experiences how to be more confident about yourself. Maybe you could join a sports team or other group activities.

Seeing a professional could be a good thing too. Maybe he'll give you an anti-depressant so you can have more energy and feel less anxious.