Why am I feeling this way? About to get desperate

Hi, hope it's OK that I'm rambling and spamming some more. I'm desperately looking for an answer.

As previously written: No family history of depression. No bad childhood or adolescence. No financial issues, I have several good friends, family and a girlfrield. Lots of stress, but I've always handled stress without problems.

I'm able to work. No problems. Yesterday I had two exams (taking some classes mostly for fun because I've already got an MBA but I'm considering medical school) with grades A and B. I enjoy work (mostly because it keeps the thougts I will mention later more or less away). I have no problems concentrating, my sleep and appetite are both OK (woke up three times this night because I have a cold and a runny nose, but I assume that doesn't count). I've spent hours thinking whether I have some guilt issues in my subconcious mind. Nothing that I can think of (except minor stuff we all can feel stupid or guilty about, like minor car accidents, breakups with previous girlfriends). Usually I feel quite good about myself, I know I have skills, I look OK.

I've taken depression tests. Hundreds of times the last three months. All negative. My psychologist has also administered them. Still clean. I keep thinking "maybe I'm living in denial and that I'm very depressed", but that seems strange too. Even if we assume I'm SLIGHTLY or minor depressed (mostly because of the thoughts), the thoughts I have would still be a severe over-reaction.

Still I'm suffering from thoughts about self-harm and death. They can be triggered by almost anything, or nothing. When I'm starting my car, a thought about crashing into a bus pops up. When I'm alone in my apartment, I see myself jumping/falling down from the balcony. I can understand this may be OCD (Pure-O) intrusive thoughts, but I can also have strange thoughts like "life is not worth living, maybe you should kill yourself" even when I'm very happy, in fact, even when I'm spending quality time with my girlfriend. What the h*** is going on here?

I've developed some compulsions, both mental and physical. Whenever the thoughts enter my mind, I feel a need for thinking "I still want to live! Go away!" etc. Sometimes I feel the need for counting or holding my breath to prove that I still want to live. I keep wishing for a guarantee that I will live a long and happy life.

However, I can't completely relate to the OCD part, as the thoughts don't cause severe anxiety, more some sort of frustration and negative feelings. I can't understand where they come from and why. Sometimes when I'm very bothered by the thoughts I can feel depressed but who wouldn't feel down when thinking they are dying and don't want to? I can't plan my future and all the things I want to do because I somehow believe the thoughts are true. It feels terrible. When thinking about the future I feel down because something in my brain is telling me "sorry, you can't do that because you are dead by then".

I need to add: I understand those thoughts are mine. I'm not hearing voices and I'm not psychotic. Further, I need to add, I have no intentions or plans what so ever to kill or harm myself. But my mind keeps telling me that sometime in the future I will act on the thoughts. That I will get severely depressed. That I don't want to live. It's horrible and I don't understand why this is happening to me.

Taking Zoloft, it has removed the anxiety and physical anxiety symptoms (I used to have somewhat poor appetite and minor sleep issues) but the stupid thoughts remain.

I have just ONE question that I really hope someone can answer. Please. When someone has "true" self-harm thoughts, or thoughts about wanting to die, how do they feel? Do they pop up out of nothing? More specific, if you ask the "rational" part of your brain, "do I want to live?", what do you answer? I answer YES, and I do NOT want to die. But somehow my automatic thoughts tell me otherwise.

PS: I don't want any links to "emergency" webpages or phone numbers for emergencies. I have no plans or intentions to kill myself, and hopefully I never will.

Thank you in advance. Please give me an answer, it will save my sanity I guess..

Yes, this is a normal part of severe depression. It sounds like your meds are not working for you. On correct medication you should not be hitting such lows, and having constant negative thoughts. You may want to speak with your doctor about adding a mood stabalizer. Many people have had a great success with Lamotrigine. Also look into something called "cortisol". You sound like a very hard working go getter, and you may hae just exhausted yourself. The body cannot live in a constant high stress state day after day. As a computer repair shop owner , I know this, I worked 12-14 hours a day, for about 12 years, then the depression hit like a ton of bricks. Also I dont see anything in your post about therapy. Youve mentioned that you didnt have abuse in your childhood, but it might be a really good idea to talk about whats going on with you today, and a good therapist can give great suggestions on what you can do today to relive these symptoms. Good luck.

Hello, thanks for your reply.

I'm afraid you may misunderstand my post a little. I'm not having obvious symptoms of depression, and the thoughts are not linked to my mood. They are more situational, like when seeing a knife.

I'm going in therapy for anxiety. My psychologist is tired of me asking if I'm depressed, she claims I'm not depressed at all.

My question is more; a person with "real" thoughts about killing himself will not try to convince himself that he's not, or would he?

I appreciate your advice, by the way. The problem was just that some parts your reply made me more scared. I don't want to be depressed and deep down I think I understand that I'm not. My meds has removed all other "symptoms" of stress and depression, such as poor appetite, but the thoughts remain.

I agree with your psychologist. From reading your post, you're pretty adamant that you aren't depressed. So, that's good. You also repeat that you actually do want to live and things are going fairly well.

However, you do sound anxious, and anxiety is at the root of OCD. It doesn't sound to me like you will suddenly hurt yourself for no reason. Granted, none of us know how we're going to die. Fifty years from now, you may take your own life, or forty years from now you may have a heart attack, or in thirty die in a car accident. No one knows. The trick is to stop worrying about it.

If you're going to obsess, then obsess on this mantra: "If I'm okay today; I'm okay in every way."

Because that, my friend, is as good as it gets.

Good luck.

Ed

Hi Ed!

Thanks for your reply, it really helped me!
The problem is, when sitting here, a thought can just pop into my mind, out of nothing, almost "urging" me to jump from a balcony. Of course, I won't. But I keep thinking that "if I'm feeling very bad one day, will I then act on the thought?"

I'm not depressed now, so I can't imagine that depression is to blame for the thought. Must be OCD.

I guess the problem with OCD is that it feels real. But if it didn't it wouldn't be OCD, or anxiety for that matter. If you are afraid of dogs, you believe dogs really are dangerous.

Again thanks