I just feel $#%^ **COULD BE TRIGGERING**

I feel pretty $#%^ right now. I am seeing a psychiatrist and I know my issues are real, but I sought of feel at the moment that my issues are less because of depression and more because I'm just a person with difficulties empathizing with others and anger management issues. I am a bad person. I just don't like to admit it to myself. I'm kind of feeling really bad for a moment and I'm nervous because I don't have another appointment with my psychiatrist until next week.

I'm 19 and I'm near the end of my first year of university. I've been living away from my parents place at accomedation near Uni, but I have exams at the moment which are almost over and I'm staying at home (my parents place) right now.

I feel like I really do hate my parents. I don't even want to love them, but I treat them like $#%^ and then feel kind of guilty but then kind of try to tell myself they deserve it, but I don't really believe they deserve it. I feel like I deserve to be badly punished physically and emotionally. I want to suffer I guess. I know it's twisted and sick and non-sensical but I sometimes feel that way. I feel like I want to be sad. My mum knows about my 'depression', though she seems to try to say that it's just anxiety and she once told me that:

"It seems like you want to be sad"

and I kind of believe her.

I've finally come out earlier this year to my psychiatrist about the fact that my mother abused me, sexually abused me, and I've accepted that it was abuse. I think she does the same thing to my sister sometimes, and I told my psychiatrist about that and my psychiatrist did contact child protection services, but my parents haven't said anything, so I don't know what has happened (especially since I haven't been living at home).

I've sometimes said to myself that the day my mother deserves an ounce of my respect is the day she acknowledges the abuse and at least appologises, but I don't really believe that because I do show her some kind of respect (I kind of act like I did before I realised that what she did was abuse).

Things kind of blew up for me emotionally about half an hour ago, because my parents were talking about me paying board to live at home over the holidays, and I acted like an entitled brat and yelled at them. I thought of cutting and I thought I should go back to thinking about my suicide plan, but I don't think I will act on my suicidal thoughts, but I still think I might cut if I can find a knife or something and be confident that my parents won't find out.

I've been talking with my psychiatrist about gender identity which is really confusing and hard and I feel guilty because I feel like I think don't always feel 100% uncomfortable identifying as a boy but I feel like these aren't real issues and just like OCD crap like similar to the people I've read about who go through POCD or HOCD or something because I've read about gender queer and trans* people and I feel like my thinking is an insult to what they go through. I hate myself anyway and even if I did feel more sure about my identity I would still feel miserable.

I understand that the people on here are caring, and I do want to talk about my issues, but I don't think you will be able to talk me out of cutting. Don't worry, I won't cut deep anyway because I'm a coward. I just want to feel better about myself, even though I deserve to feel bad and I'm a $#%^ person.

Hi Jabba,

You are not a bad person. You’ve been hurt and betrayed and I can see how you would have anger issues, esp. with your mother. I’m glad you have a doctor and hope having help of this nature is beneficial. You have a lot to deal and it will likely take some time but at least you are an adult now, in university, moving forward with life, closer to being able to get away from your parent’s home. You are young and there is hope for a better, brighter future so please hang in there.

I was going to suggest you post in cutting/self-injury, but I looked and see you already do. Of course, I wish you won’t cut, tho I (theoretically) understand it if you do. You really don’t deserve to feel bad. You deserve to feel better.

Take care and keep safe plus *hugs* if you want them.
Jan

Hi Jan,

Thank you for the help. I meant to respond a while ago, but didn't do that both because I wasn't sure what to write and because I am lazy. I appologise. I didn't post in the self harm forum mainly because I had other things I wanted to talk about.