Need some help...........

Okay, I will do my best to keep this short. Im in need of some help and I don't really know what to do anymore. For the last few months i haven't been very happy with my life. I have just come back from college where I was doing a difficult course. Now Im supposed to be fairly clever and I basically ended up with a really low grade, I just got demotivated and procrastinated so much that I did rubbish with it.

I got into bad habbits, I waste alot of time by doing nothing and on the internet. I care way too much what people think of me, and I get really anxious about things. I have some friends but I stupidly make stuff up in my head that if I don't talk to them for days they don't like me anymore. I don't understand how im like this but I didn't have the best time at school, people thought it was funny to make up stuff about me and I guess thats where it comes from. Im also very jealous of some of my friends that seem to have life easy they are funny have great personalities everybody likes them and they have relationships, whereas im not in one. I feel like im pointless, im very competitive and I feel like im losing because I don't have many friends, no relationship to speak of, I over analyse everything and I have underachieved in the one thing I should be good at.

Consequently I am feel totally alone, I haven't had any luck in relationships and I feel that for my age, mid to late 20's I should have done as much as the people I know, it makes me feel behind in life and im really upset. I spend a long time just daydreaming not doing much in my days.

I find it really difficult to get up in the mornings and stay up really late for no reason. I don't know whats wrong, i hate the fact that life is completly unfair for people that actaully try to do good things, i cant stand it.

I need some advice on how to improve because im fed up of being second rate, I can't be like this anymore and I find it really hard to tell people

Everything that you feel is completely normal. I felt those same things to for many years. If you are not suicidal or hurting yourself I don't think you'll need medication. Talking to a psychologist would be great for you. One tip that really helped me was to lower my expectations of what I should be like or should be doing. Money makes life easier but not happier. Being in a relationship isn't the same as finding your soulmate. Try to focus less on others, shift your attention to yourself. Your goal in life should not be to be better than others. Be better than you were yesterday. Reduce your time on the net day by day. Get more things done then you had yesterday. Challenge yourself to be less self conscious about the things you do or say day by day. If you truly want to want to accomplish something in life this should be your objective.

Take care

Thanks for getting back to me.

I dont really know how I would do what you said, how would I contact a psychologist?
I have tried a long time to lower my expectations but it seems really in built, is there any specific advice you can give me on how to do some of these things.

I don't know what's called in your country but here there is a number you can call for directions to stores or phone numbers. That might help. Or you can contact your college for information.

To lower your expectations you need get into a state mind of total acceptance with yourself and your surroundings. Don't try to be the best, you are already good enough as you are. Don't expect things to be perfect they are useful just as they are. Everytime you are about to do something or remember something from your past that went wrong repeat this in your mind. Eventually your thought process will adapt to this and it'll be easier with time.

Since you've written in generatlities, I will have to answer generally.

I think you're on the wrong course. I think what you think you were supposed to be so good at is not what you were called to do in this life, and that's why you can't seem to move forward. Late twenties to mid thirties seems to be when we discover what our calling in life is. It may take years or decades to accept that calling. The longer it takes the longer one is unhappy with life--in general.

Good luck, Apple.

Hi Apple!

Sounds like you are suffering more from generalized anxiety than depression, really. Of course, those two can go hand in hand, and it seems like you feel a little down, so maybe you suffer a little bit from both.

I would say, in general, how you feel about yourself and your life depends on two factors, where we often tend to evaluate just one of them. What we actually feel, and what we are expecting to feel.

To use a simple, still slightly weird example: Say, you were somewhat hungry and found someone selling donuts. What would make you buy a donut (for this exercise, ignore the fact that you may find other and probably healthier food than donuts and that you could find other people selling donuts)? It would be 1) the price, and 2) how hungry you were feeling. If you were slightly hungry, you would maybe accept to pay two dollars for a donut. It would sound like a fair deal. If you were truly hungry and you knew a donut would cost you ten, maybe twenty dollars, it would be OK. If you were not that hungry, you would never consider paying twenty dollars for a donut.

Still, the donut is the same. And what is more interesting, if you were truly hungry, and suddenly realised you could buy a donut for two dollars, you would be very happy.

Why did I mention this? Because happiness depends not only on what you do experience, it depends on what you experience related to what you are expecting to experience. Picture people prisoned for life. Some of them are able to find a meaning in their life, despite the fact that they never can find freedom. They are able to find a meaning and possible happiness in what they do each day.

You may consider reading this story: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sisyphus
Read it until you understand it.

And - we often tend to compare ourselves to others way to much. You want to own a Ferrari, right? I do. But again, if the roads were designed to drive 200 mph and everyone owned a Ferrari, would you be happy driving a Ferrari? The example itself sounds weird, I know. But 100 years ago, it would be a true blessing to own even the crappiest car we can find today, even better than we think a Ferrari is. Do you see the point?

Sorry for a philosophical answer but I believe you can find some meaning in my answer. And hopefully find the meaning in your life.

Good luck

I feel exactly the same as you, Apple. When I haven't talked to friends in a few days, I feel doubts about myself too. I do the internet a lot. I'm 24, almost 25, and haven't even had one girlfriend yet, so I can definitely relate to feeling behind dating-wise compared to everyone else. It's a tough feeling. Sorry you're going through that but you aren't alone. I think we have to find a way to be happy with what we have and not compare ourselves to other people as hard as it is. People who have what we don't have have problems that we can't see from the outside, even though we think they have special lives.