support for living with a depressed boyfriend

Hi there,
I'm really needing some support with something that I'm dealing with at the moment. I dont know if this is the right place to find it or not...
Is it possible to be depressed and not be totally aware of it?
My boyfriend has always suffered with depression which links back to a horrible childhood trauma that he's currently seeking therapy for. He was on citalopram when we first got together about a year ago, but back in about may/june he decided he was ready to come off them. he didnt consult a doctor or anything about this, and to be honest I supported him in it - he was starting to get some really horrible negative side effects. But almost instantly we started to have problems. We never used to argue much, and always saw eye to eye on important issues. we felt the same way about our future together and we felt that there was nothing that we couldnt handle as a team. We supported eachother and talked through all of our problems. Honestly, it was so good that I actually became suspicious!!
we started living together pretty quickly after getting together, as thats just what suited our relationship and we've never had any issues with space. any nights that we've spent apart have been because its unavoidable. We were living at his parents house but have been looking for our own place for about 6 months. Now, somewhere has finally come up, and I feel like my boyfriend is bailing on us.
in the past few months things have gone from bad to worse. it started with some horrible arguments that became physical, and really aggressive. Then my father died, and my boyfriend was not there for me at all. The night that I found out he ditched me to go play computer games with his friends. A house came up a few months ago and he decided he couldnt afford to move anymore, even though we'd worked out all the finances and everything. I continued to look in this time, because i'm desperate to find somewhere to live. Now I've found somewhere and he's not moving with me at all, he's staying with his folks. Mutual friends (who know him much better than i do and for a longer amount of time) have expressed concern that he simply wont see me anymore, he'll just hide away.
He's not interested in doing anything with me anymore. He doesnt want to go out and see people, I cant lure him out of the house for dog walks or coffee or even a pint. He wont do his share of the house work. he sleeps all day. calls in sick to work (even though he only does 8 hours a week at a bar). And he accuses me of being the reason he hasnt acheived anything in his life. He tells me my baggage is whats making him unhappy, and that the stresses in my life (having a dog, having to go shopping, pay your way etc) are making him depressed.
We havent slept together for a while. And we are less physical in general than we used to be. Yesterday he slept all day and woke up at 10, then he was awake all night. when he did go to bed (god knows what time) he went to the spare room. I went in there this morning to see him and he literally pushed me away and then rolled over.
When i ask him about all of this, he says the relationship isnt over, that he still loves me and wants to be with me. I cant work out if all this behaviour is because he's depressed or because the relationship has come to an end... he is saying that its neither. He doesnt think he's depressed, justa bit stressed out. But he cant see the change in him. He was so attentive and affectionate before, and we thought as a team, and we were compassionate towards eachother. Now, when he says horrible things that make me cry, he responds is such a cold way. Theres no empathy there at all. And he genuinely cant see that there's anything wrong with his behaviour.
He sits in the house all day and sleeps really anti social hours. he acheives nothing in the day, just plays poker online. he does no housework, doesnt go to work, doesnt get food in or anything. And when i suggest he does stuff he acts like its my problem, that theres nothing wrong with what he's doing.
I've tried everything to try to get his mood up - suggested that he goes back on anti depressents, and he agrees then weeks go by and he's done nothing. I suggest he gets out of the house and does some excercise, but he wont. I even made a list of everything that was stressing him out, with solutions and ways we can make it easier. One of the ways was introducing a timetable for him so that he can get everything done that he needs to get done and still feel like he has enough time to rest. I've tried changing our diets but nothing sticks. He's also stopped going to therapy - there's always an excuse, like "i dont feel well" or "i've got nothing to say this week".
I dont know what to do anymore! please someone tell me what I'm meant to do. I despise the person who he is now - there's nothing behind his eyes, he seems to have nothing but contempt for me, yet he wont tell me that the relationship is over. I dont know how i can be with someone like this, its so so hard. And i've got my own stresses and issues which i'm having to deal with all alone because of his mood. What do i need to do to bring him back out of this?
thanks for your help.
Alice

He's redirecting his suffering onto you. Your "baggage" is not the cause of his sadness; he's clearly depressed. I know you have already tried this, but you need to tell him everything you told us here. His inability to talk to you and his situation are like symptoms of what's going on in his head - he's probably really confused and unable to address or observe his emotions, so he's shut down.

The best thing you can do is try to show him in as many ways you can that he is not being himself. Rather than making him realize he is a depressed person, show him that he is (was) a happy, content, outgoing person who has taken a turn toward depression. Try to use logic. If he tells you that your baggage is the cause of his sadness, ask for specifics. You will see he's got nothing; it's just an excuse. And if you can, slowly but surely, dispel each excuse he has for his behavior, in the end the only reason remaining will be that he is depressed.

Right now he has broken arms and legs. It's not his fault they're broken; it's no one's fault. He would get help if he really had broken limbs, right? So it's the same with depression.

thank you for your reply aric,
i tried the methods you used. He still resisted accepting that he was depressed but I think i did manage to make him see that none of this was my fault. its always hard to see when you get through to him cause he's so stubborn! haha. but I also did what you said about talking about when he was happy and helping him to see the differences in him, and the differences in our relationship, between then and now. He started to perk up a bit yesterday, after a few weeks of hell, and its always when he comes out of the other side of his depression that he is able to recognise his behaviour. I'm currently trying to convince him to speak to a doctor about his depression to try to get some more support for both of us - if he is too unwell to work then he needs to claim some sickness benefits as I cant afford to keep both of us. Also, I want him to try to start taking an active approach to his depression. I know we are both reluctant for him to go back on to antidepressents. He's worried about negative side effects, as am i, and i'm also more concerned about finding a long term solution to his troubles. Do you have any experience with anti depressents? if so what are your opinions, and can you recommend a natural holistic way of treating depression?
thank you again for your advice, very helpful
xx

Hi

He sounds depressed to me. You guys had an amazing relationship before all this right. It's still there somewhere but it's being clouded by his depression. Don't let him fool you right now he needs you. Even with all the blame about how you ruined his life he wants you more than anything in the world. I know he might have a funny way of showing it but that's how it works. His cold attitude devoid of empathy is just a way to protect his feelings. I know because it helped stop me from crumbling to pieces many times. When he tries to push you away stay close to him. You don't even have to talk but he will be grateful. I recommend he uses anti depressants again. They gave me a fighting chance and were crucial to my recovery. Depression feeds on the "nothing is worth it" and "I should just give up" attitude. He needs medication so he can stay with a clear head in order to dominate this negative thoughts. And he should have never stopped the medication because of the withdrawals symptoms. As long as he is still affected by his childhood memories he should keep taking them. If he ever wants to stop taking pills he will have to conquer his memories and come off the drug under professional guidance.

Even with his lazy attitude he is fighting a tough battle inside. Everyday you are depressed it's like someone close to you dies over and over again.

This must be incredibly tough on you but hang in there. Remember what your goal is and don't stop until you reach it.

hi hope spammer,
thank you for your encouragement, its very much appreciated. you're right, i just need to stick with him. I will learn to develop a thick skin to the stuff that he says and try not to get too absorbed in his emotions.
its good to hear other people who have experiences with depression recommending anti depressants...common nowadays to fear them i think
xxx

I wanted to ask you how you are doing. Are you okay or have you been bottling up your emotions about your father's death. I hope everything is going well with your bf.

hi,
i think i'm doing OK. its hard to tell really. I didnt know my father very well at all - my mum left him when i was two and the relationship filtered out to nothing. I saw very little of him, and when i did it was very traumatic for me - he was an alcoholic, and following a stroke also developed brain damage. He'd get my name wrong all the time, never seemed to have any idea what was going on in my life, and spent any time we did have together drinking. I cant say I miss him because i didnt know the man well enough to miss him. But i do greatly resent not having a father, and i think his death has reminded me of how lonely i was when i was a child. My mother was incredibly abusive, and so i never really had adequate parenting.
I've recently begun trying to detach from my mother a bit. Its hard because i still have a lot of contact with her - i'm currently homeless but my dog lives with her, so i'm back every day to walk the dog. i'm trying to get away from her, but she keeps setting up little traps to try to keep me near.
Obviously i have a lot of stress with housing at the moment, and I'm also trying to do a Bsc so I'm under a lot of pressure. My boyfriends change in mood was the icing on the cake, and i admit i did have a bit of a breakdown.
i'm feeling pretty $#%^ about life - kind of just want all my responsibilities to leave me alone. I dont even want to have to go to meet my friend this afternoon. I'm contemplating dropping out of uni, as i feel like i just need to sleep for a thousand years and i dont have the time to...
i think perhaps i've become a little depressed myself. but i dont really know what to do about it. I get a lot of excercise and time outside as i have a dog who needs walking. I have things to aim towards with my degree. I'm doing the best i can to organise my life. and i have people who i'm close to who i talk to about things. I dont really know what i can be doing differently to make me happier and more energetic. ..
so, in response to your question i guess the answer is no.. i'm not really OK .hahah
xxx

It sounds like he loves you a lot and is doing everything in his power to scare you away because he's afraid he's going to hurt you. From what you've said, his fears may well be justified. I suggest you set a limit that physical abuse is absolutely intolerable, or you may be enabling his problem instead of helping him get over it.

omalley_cat wrote:

Honestly, it was so good that I actually became suspicious!!

I will learn to develop a thick skin to the stuff that he says

it started with some horrible arguments that became physical, and really aggressive.

Sometimes we need to time relax and rest. But in your case if you think you are getting depressed I wouldn't recommend it. If you give in it'll take more than a thousand years for you to wake up(metaphorically of course). You have had a lot on your plate and nobody can blame you for starting to feel tired of your situation. You have been doing great so far plus you've been getting excercise and have friends that help you. I would suggest to add one more thing. Practice having a more positive approach to life.Lower your expectations on an outcome you are hoping for. Which will make you feel like you've achieved a whole lot more and you'll be less stressed out. Out of every negative situation point out something positive about it. Challenge yourself and try to do it automatically through out the whole day.
E.g
Your father was never there for you but this could have been the best thing for you since you didn't have to put up with the hardship of his alcoholism or possibly verbal abuse.

I know it' sounds dumb but you have to realize that your thoughts and your emotions are more important than excercise and a support buddy. Thoughts are who you are. If you want to feel happier change your thoughts.I also resented my father who wasn't there for me even though my mom did a great job by herself. I realized two things. It was easier to blame him. And because having a father was norm. I was expecting him to be there and when he wasn't I felt different from everyone else. Of your reasons are different but I know how you feel.

Keep going I know you have all the strength you need. It's there inside of you even if you can't see it. And what kind of dog do you have lol.

Hi there,
sorry for the slow reply, i've been in a bit of a state recently
You speak a lot of sense about seeing the positive in a every situation. I think there's a lot to be said for altering the way you think in order to alter the way you feel.
My dog is a Northern Inuit Wolf Hybrid - one of the most challenging breeds you can own! i definitely like to set myself challenges! haha.
xx