Self-aware, and depressed for it

Hey all
I'm 18 and I am struggling at the moment. I wish I could explain what I am feeling in a few sentences, but I can't. I dunno what is wrong with me, I can't believe my life is like this...

For almost as long as I can remember my life has sucked. I was happy in the 90s, because my family was together. Then my parents ran into money trouble in 2001 and we couldn't afford to live in our town anymore, where we were with our whole family. Apparently my father was in denial about the whole situation, and soon my mother left him and went to Vancouver with my brother and I to find a job.

I couldn't understand the situation and I was too stressed and acting out to get along with the kids at my new school, so naturally I became somewhat of an outcast, with only a few friends here and there. Around that time I was diagnosed with ADHD, which really did explain a lot. The only true friend I had at the time was an immigrant from Israel, he lived a few houses down, but didn't go to my school; he and his family were deported in 2005. When I entered 8th grade, I went to a high school across the city where I knew no one, which made no difference as I almost feared most of the kids from my elementary school who would go to the high schools in my part of the city. In my high school I was in a gifted learning program. I wasn't bullied for it or anything, but I didn't make many friends and was very introverted. I was not very self-aware back then. 1/3 into the year I stopped attending most days and I just lost it. I had a psychotic breakdown in front of my father, and was diagnosed with bipolar.

I spent the next two years in a small school for crazy kids like me. They helped me a lot, and pretty soon my psychiatrist withdrew the bipolar diagnosis. During that time, my life felt a bit better, because I was a lot more stable and doing okay in school, plus I was getting help. My best friend finally came back from Israel in 2009 and we did a lot of things together. My life was doing okay. Although, twice during those two years, I had a falling out with my mother and was kicked out for a a month or two, once when I was 14, and once when I was 15. I got pretty depressed during those times.

For 11th grade (in 2011) I went to a normal school again, and for the first 1/3 of the year I loved the place and even made friends. But there was some depression creeping up on me. Then I got kicked out of my house again (always for really trivial reasons), and had no one to help me save for my therapist who I saw every few weeks and to whom I was not fully open. I was not self-aware. My Israeli friend's family took me in for six months. I was so depressed and began to develop OCD-like symptoms - constantly obsessing over sick implications about myself, to the point I would get suicidal. I had a breakdown in the summer while visiting my grandparents in my hometown and almost killed myself. I went to the psych ward back in Vancouver. I was diagnosed with OCD, and it took me a solid six months to finally recover from the breakdown, throughout which I often got suicidal again.

During my recovery, I was living in a semi-independent place, where I had my own suite in someone's house, because I was only 17. I ended up going back to live at home in late 2011. By then I was still out of school. But I was working part-time and I was doing really well mentally. I even had a social life with my best friend and all his other friends, although they were all at that same school I avoided. Sometimes I would be hesitant to meet too many of his friends' friends lest I run into someone I knew from elementary school.

But I was always so low in self-esteem. I always felt that my friends actually thought poorly of me, thought I was ugly, didn't like my company, etc. etc. The only girlfriend I had since I was 13 broke up with me after a month, because I guess I wasn't smooth enough or hot or something. She always compared me to my Israeli friend. Since then I cower from girls, I feel that they could not possibly be attracted to me, and I always immediately write myself out of the picture.

For the past year, my life has been so meaningless. I spend all my time either at home or working part-time. I only recently have enrolled back in school. I only have 5 courses to finish, then I will graduate. I will admit that through 2012, I started smoking a lot of weed with friends. I even got into mushrooms and LSD. I had a bad trip with mushrooms once, but every other time I only did psychedelics when my mind was fully comprised of positivity. LSD was wonderful.

The thing is, these psychedelics have woken me up. I don't take acid these days (If I did, I would have a bad trip cause I am so depressed), but the drugs, even the weed, woke me up. My father passed away this September from his Parkinson's, it got bad pretty quickly. But after his death, I have become so ridiculously self-aware, and I know the psychedelics have something to do with it. I realized something, a profound truth: All my life, I have never fully accepted the notion that I actually exist, that my life is real. Everything I did was based on fear, on instinct. I was like an animal. I couldn't even look into my past and remember things in the detail that I can now. I can see all the places where I went wrong.

And for that very reason I am depressed now. I have realized that my entire life up to this point has been one pain after the other. And I let a lot of it happen, because I wasn't even self-aware. Now I spend all my time at home or going to school. I'm have such low confidence that I can't even muster up the courage to make any friends. I just sit and do my work and then go home, where I sulk about the shitiness of my life. Sometimes I spend some time with friends, most of whom are really just friends of my one friend from Israel. I want a girlfriend. I recently realized I'm bisexual, so that only further complicates the issue. I am not really interested in dating a guy, but I feel so damn low about being attracted to guys as well that I don't feel like a man, and so I have no confidence with woman. I just feel like a sad lonely depressed #######1.

This isn't what I want. I want to spend my time out in the sun, playing beautiful psychedelic rock music and interacting with many people. I've got a band started, but I just can't even see how that would take off. Sure we can play music, but I don't know anyone. Where would I even play? I watch movies where all the young hippies are congregating together and loving each other freely and playing music and taking acid, and I'm sitting here at home or busing to school in the freezing rain.

The only hope I have is that when I finish school, I will go to college and make friends there and have a social life again. But I just feel so inept that I know I would automatically isolate myself from everyone. There's no way in hell I would have the confidence to talk to a girl I like, or make any friends. I feel my life stagnating like it's gonna be this way forever and I don't know what to do.

Thank you everyone for all your help

Depression is all based on what we THINK will be the outcome. Those of us with depression have already decided the outcome of an event. We think and think to the point we ALREADY are SURE of the outcome of an event before we even try. You must just DO and not THINK. THINKING about the event will make your anxiety MUCH worse, and when THAT happens, youll end up like me 40+ with no friends, because you THOUGHT you werent good enough. Remember this: isolation is the fuel for depression. MUCH like a car , if you cut off the fuel its DEAD. So the key is to be as social as possibly , and DONT try to predicate the outcome of an event you havent even attended. Go, do it and see. Accept that when you talk to girls, some will like you some wont. Just like making friends. Some guys will want to talk to you and make friends, others wont. Remember this : There is no such thing as a "Depressed social butterfly"..just does not exist!

I really feel for you, you have been through so much. I too went through a time in my teens where I became extremely self aware and it made me paranoid and anti-social. I am 27 now, and still struggle sometimes with being social, but I have to say going to college helped. I was able to make friends with people who were like minded and understanding. Also, just like a previous reply mentioned, it really does help to DO instead of think things over a thousand times, worrying about the consequences to each scenario. You seem like a very smart individual and you should be proud of your intelligence. Be proud that you were able to start a band as well - I'm sure it took alot of work, as well as the gift of being musically inclined. I sincerely hope that you will find your way, and my condolences for the loss of your father.

I have to disagree with this idea of you becoming self aware. Your ocd over you becoming sick and your hesitant attitude to be near people from your past just scream fear. This is normal of course fear is related to a beings will to survive which makes me think you were self aware all along.

But don't get me wrong I understand what you're trying to say. It was a life defining moment that you will never forget. But you have to understand something. The drugs never woke you up. They just surpassed any pleasure that you had ever known. And now they have set the bar of what you expect life should like at a totally unrealistic level.Comparing daily boring life which can sometimes seems repetitive to a incredible high like that will make everything else seem insignificant.Don't let drugs define who you are. Not because society says they are bad but because in the end they will destroy.

You have had a very rough life. I'm sure it's very painful to remember your past. That just means there will be a lot of old wounds you will have to close from the past. And a few skills like confidence that you will need for the future. I know it won't be easy but don't give up. I used to be totally dead inside. Now after so many years it was totally worth it. Even though I don't have many materialistic things I finally have the peace and happiness I've always wanted. Unlike drugs that lose their effect or kill your body. This type of happiness has last me for months.

Even though I don't have many materialistic things I finally have the peace and happiness I've always wanted. Unlike drugs that lose their effect or kill your body. This type of happiness has last me for months.

good post. sadly, too many people depend on material things for happiness and miss the little things too much, and not only that but some people are caught in a trap where they constantly place happiness in the future and say, 'all be happy when this happens, or if i had that i'd be happy'.

that was me all the time, and i'm learning true happiness is being happy in this moment, embracing ourselves and all our imperfections, and accepting and working with the circumstances life brings us (including the not so good ones which is inevitable).

also, relaxing watching a sunset or having a good laugh with a friend is a free, and many times much better than material things.

bigmike7104 wrote:

also, relaxing watching a sunset or having a good laugh with a friend is a free, and many times much better than material things.

It's nice to know someone knows what I'm talking about. Even trivial things like leaves or clouds seem inspiring. This level of happiness can be yours too Arc. But first you'll need to learn 3 important things.

Learn to see the PAST as something valuable that taught you many lessons

Practice techniques that improve your confidence to get through tough situation in the PRESENT. (research online)

Find what inspires you to be better. A goal that you want to reach. Always think about this goal when negative thoughts overwhelm and they'll get weaker. This will in the long run give you a brighter FUTURE.

And before you tell me you can't do it remember. I had a car accident . I have to put up with the pain even after 8 years. I know this doesn't lesson your pain but you still have to try.

Thanks everyone.

I started running each night and meditating afterwards - I can honestly say it feels better than drugs. The euphoria from meditation is better than weed.

I guess what I can see is that rather than thinking of everything I don't have that would make me happy, I should be happy now with who I am and what I have. I guess if I am truly happy now, the things I so desperately want (girlfriend, friends, social life, peace, boyfriend, etc.) will come easier.

But yet each day I still feel the depression soaking me through. You're right, my actions do scream fear. But what am I to do? Most people from my past think very low of me. It's weird; sometimes when I meet new people, especially girls, it almost feels like they have been told all about me by the people from my past who hate me. I never did anything wrong to them, they just hate me because I was pathetic. Maybe I still am.

Why can't I have a girl who loves me? Why everyone except me?

Why can't I have a girl who loves me? Why everyone except me?

of course you can. it may take time, but the right girl will come along for you.