Is it back? Was it ever gone? (Long but please please help)

I've had dr/dp after a long time of stress, anxiety and light depression on 2008. I was really struggling and suddenly I started to feel odd and weird. I can not completely remember what was it like to me since it was a long time ago and I usually don't bother thinking about it coz it'd bad for me. After felt like "cured" and "rebalanced" for 4 or 5 years now I feel like I'm back on the square one again(not as intense as before)

In those 4 or 5 years I can say I was happy and normal I just had some OCD issues but I easily got over them. Though I was still having little moments of "what if?" like what if the things around me and the life I am living is not "REAL". I was trying to convince myself that everything I live and experience and everything around me is %100 real. I guess nobody can be sure of that. So I said ###$ it and kept on living my life to the fullest.

I from time to time felt like:
"I feel there’s nothing more I can do. I’ve just been living my life; I’ve even gotten over most of my anxiety. I have hope for recovery, but at the same time I realize I don’t need it to live life. I’m generally happy, I just feel like a part of me is missing. But I can’t even remember who that is anymore. And feel just a little disconnected from reality because I can't be sure of it %100 "

Last 3 days I have been extremely stressfull about my job issues and my school was about to start. It caused a lot of anxiety, I got typical symptoms like cold hands and faster than usual heart rates. Was trying hard to remain calm and think healthily, clearly. I couldn't make it so most probably that is causing the derealization.

Here are the symptoms I have:

1- Feel like I'm so far away from reality. I can easily perceive things the way they are. I can see and hear them just the way they are but they feel a little weird and most importantly I feel far away from them. Like feeling disconnected from reality and feeling desynchronized. (maybe a extreme example but it's like I'm in another world and all the things I perceive are from another world so that leads to the feeling of the world I am experiening is "virtual".

2- Can't be sure if I am living and can't be sure what I am experiencing is "real".

3- Slightly feeling like I am living in a scenerio and I am just seeing the world from another ones life. Everything I do and people do seems "automated".

4- Can't be sure if the people around me are real. I can not feel connected with them. I can't be sure they are alive and there. (definetely got that one 5 years ago, now maybe it's just because of overanalysing)

5- Feels like "the real me" is sleeping in somewhere else and I can suddenly wake up. this is all just a dream. Reality is way different than what I am experiencing in this world.

6- Feeling very numb.

Maybe these are just the symptoms of anxiety, I can't be sure of anything. I'm really confused. It's all foggy.
At the last 4-5 years the only symptom I had was the numbness which can be experienced except dr too.

Also I wonder what if we just let it go. What if we weren't stuck on these symptoms so much and thinking about them all the time. Because I keep building theories and that may also cause some of the problems I have.

About how it affects my life: It clearly doesn't affect my life a lot. Not to sound cocky but I am kinda a social expert so it does not affect my relationships with people and I can keep on living my daily life as it was before. (not getting so much joy from it because of dr of course). I wouldn't want a real relationship right now though, because it would be hard to deal with it in that state of mind.

I'm very busy and have to keep working but it sometimes makes it kinda hard to work when all these feelings of dr and questioning of reality occurs. The daily matters lose their importance a little(you kinda feel like I feel ######6 disconnected and awkward anyways so why would I bother all these)
Also tonight I feel ######6 depressed because of the way I feel and I thought a lot and it got worse. I hate the depressed mood. I don't want to talk with people right now but of course I will.

I really need some help about it right now. I want to go back to being completely normal and feeling normal. I want to be back to reality.
I want the feeling of simply, purely feeling alive and feeling "here". without doubts, all clear and all the visions and the everything looks normal and all good. And I want to enjoy the life and be convinced on that's the only reality. also don't want any of these symptoms and I want to be totally connected with my surroundings, with the world and with the people.

That state of mind that I'm in now also led me to ask "was the dr every gone or I was just ignoring it"

Today I just smoked some weed and I feel like my vision is very foggy and I feel away.

Leaving aside the issue of weed because I know nothing about that.

The rest of what you describe is depersonalization (feeling you're not real, inability to feel connected to others etc) and derealization (feeling the world isn't real, objects are far away etc) which are forms of dissociation.

I'm the same as you in that its triggered by panic attacks or extreme anxiety. The onset of DP/DR enables me to cope with the situation that caused the panic/anxiety. After I find I need time alone to process the situation, because I find dissociation makes processing everyday events hard. I also need to calm down in a genuine way (rather the calm of dissociation) which may take hours or weeks. As I calm down so the DP/DR lessens and I'm able to feel things normally again. If the stress contiues, the DP/DR continues. As the stress builds over time, so the DP/DR gets worse/stronger to enable me to continue to cope.

As for you, it sounds like you started with DR and you adjusted to having it. It then possibly lessened or completely went away. Then you hit a period of stress which triggered DR or worsened existing DR, plus added in DP this time as well.

I agree with Kerry H. I have DID, and I feel some form of dissociation 24/7.

delusion wrote:Today I just smoked some weed and I feel like my vision is very foggy and I feel away.

Weed increases dissociation without a doubt. I used to smoke everyday in high school. I stopped when I was 19 for about 7 years. Over the summer, I smoked a few times with my girlfriend. The dissociation was pretty severe after even a hit or two. Needless to say, I don't plan to ever smoke again. So I hate to say it, but weed may be causing some of your symptoms.

delusion wrote:After felt like "cured" and "rebalanced" for 4 or 5 years now I feel like I'm back on the square one again(not as intense as before)

Were you smoking weed less during those 4 or 5 years? If not, what is happening in your life now that may be triggering dissocation?

I took a look into your past posts. You seem very open about what is on your mind- good for you. **Trigger Warning** Can I ask if you have ever been abused? Abuse causes dissociative disorders. Sexual abuse can create those shemale fantasies and confusing gay thoughts you talked about. Many people with OCD suffer from sexual orientation obsessions. But if you experienced sexual trauma, you would benefit from talking with a therapist. **End TW**