Trying To Make Sense Of Myself

I guess this might be kind of tricky. I read the forum rules, so I know not to ask for diagnosis. I wouldn't attempt to get that over the internet, anyway. But I am trying to get some direction. I'm not sure if what I experience falls into this genre of issues or not. I'm not sure if it would be against the rules to ask if it sounds disassociate/depersonalization-"ish" or not. I've done a lot of searches online trying to figure out if what I experience has a name or not, and I've wound up here. So I thought I might as well give this a shot, just in case.

So let's say theoretically that my birth-given name is Skex, and I'm 24.

My problem is that I'm convinced that I'm not Skex. I've seen video footage and photos of Skex when she was younger, but it's definitely not me, in my perception at least. I'm nothing like her, and I don't remember doing the things she did or saying the things she said, and I can't imagine myself being that way, either.

I feel like Skex sort of. Like "sleeps" inside of me, and like I'm not even real. I have this body but it's not mine. I feel like I stole it from someone. I feel like a ghost that's possessing some poor woman.

I've found evidence of it over the years. For example, internal scar issue that I have no memory of getting. I also feel anxiety sometimes that Skex is going to sort of "kick" me "out." And I don't think she's very stable. When I was 19, I took a ton of pills and wound up in the ER. What's frightening to me is that I didn't decide to take the pills. I felt like I was possessed, watching myself take them all. This sort of bleeds over into another issue: sometimes I'm not sure who is possessing who. But most of the time I'm pretty sure that I'm the one who isn't real. I also get the sense that maybe I'm protecting Skex, maybe that's why I exist. It's just a theory, though.

When it comes to other people, it's just a whole slew of other issues. This is embarrassing to admit even anonymously, but I often feel like I'm not a human, only because I perceive humans and can't help but notice how I'm not like any of them, can't connect to any of them. I perceive that I can analyze and understand them really well, but that I'm set apart from them in a way that makes it impossible for them to understand me. I also tend to feel protective of them, like everyone is less "aware" than me (I don't know how else to put it), like I can perceive things they can't, and I care about them. It's a coin with two sides, for sure. On one hand I feel absolutely superior to everyone, but on the other hand it's extremely lonely, and I feel like the only reason I exist to try to protect people - often from themselves.

In the most extreme sense, I feel almost otherworldly, or like a machine that has been programmed with the function of protecting and learning about humans. But it is maddeningly lonely. And I also love with an under-the-surface fear that if Skex "comes back" so to speak, then I won't exist anymore. I feel like I've stolen her body and her family. It makes me feel guilty sometimes, like I'm not supposed to exist and it's selfish of me to want to exist. I go through all the motions just like her, but I feel like my family doesn't like me, like they know I'm not Skex. Sometimes I wonder if maybe Skex died when she got those scars, or when she took all those pills, and now I'm here.

Anyway. I know this probably all sounds crazy, but then again that's why I'm here. I know not to ask for a diagnosis, but am I going in the right direction? Any input would be very appreciated. To be honest I'm not sure I'd want to change anything no matter what I found out, but I am trying to understand what is going on.

Hey Skex:You

I don't think you sound crazy, I feel very similar to this often. It is confusing for me as well, I'm not sure if it has something to do with the over-abundance of "human connection" in music, movies, advertisements, tv, and other media that has caused people to lose that "human connection" with each other.

You know what ? I do regocnize my self in you.
What I'm most scared of, is that ' others' would not know what to do with yah, when things would get out of hand. There are still so much lose ends to it. Like who is left over when things would be better ? Do you have an inkling ?