I'm on a rollercoaster with no end in sight.

For the larger part of my life, I've experienced symptoms of depersonalization/disassociation. It wasn't until I took a psychology in high school, when I realized what my teacher was talking about...well I felt that all the time. I didn't think much of it then. I've slowly been realizing these past few months that I have repressed memories from my childhood. It was horrible at first to accept it. To accept that I wasn't crazy, that my memories were real, and that I was still me.

I have the biggest problem with that...remembering who I am. Many times I have to stop myself from feeling like a shell. Like the movements I do are just automatic- robotic in a way. I start looking too much at people sometimes, for the longest time I was convinced I was seeing myself in others. By that I mean -literally myself. I'd forget what I looked like a lot. It's scary for me to admit that, makes me sound insane. I was convinced at times that two of my friends were just reflections of myself...I ended up spending a lot of time alone in my room then.

Gradually those feelings started to disappear. As did my motivation in college. I'm behind and I don't know how to come back. I get lost in my own thoughts. I end up succumbing to the loneliness further by not contacting anyone as much anymore. I spend hours on my computer...not really doing anything. Making connections with strangers.

And I wonder if any of it is worth it. I wonder if I should just take a break from school. I'm not doing so great after all. I feel like I'm failing at academics, relationships, and with myself. It's this trapped feeling, where I don't care anymore. I've lived with it for so long. This may come off as though I'm ranting...But really I just wanted to share my story. I've read a few posts on here that make me know I'm not alone in my feelings. I just want someone else to maybe feel that same connection I did.

Alas...I'll see how life goes. I'll take some advice from a comment I read saying to make the best of this "reality"...whatever it is. I don't know what that entails, but as far as I've seen- life has an interesting way of turning out.

Thanks for reading this.

I'll say that I think you deserve a richer, fuller more connected life and I think it's probable you'll achieve that in time. I've often felt a similar disconnect throughout life. Not so much that I didn't know who I was, more like I desperately didn't want to be this person or have this life. It all felt like a big mistake and now I know how that was true.

Have you sought out therapy of any kind? Statistically the first or second therapist you go to won't necessarily be the best for you but a trained professional can begin to work with you on that trapped feeling and other dissatisfying experiences.

It's possible you may want to take some time off from college if you're not profiting, though pushing through and getting your degree has benefits as well. I do wish you the best on your quest. You deserve it.

Im glad your here. Your not alone. Im sorry your in pain. keep writing and posting or making blogs. Keep exploring. You might consider therapy if you feel this situation is interfering with your life.

Im Glad you posted.

Yep, I go on the other forums and I'm always interested to hear what people have to say and then i go on this one and it makes me want to cry. My dissociation has been so bad that I can barely hold down a job or get through a conversation. I am afraid to take a better job because I'm afraid that my dissociation will cause me to get fired during the probationary period. When I used to cut sometimes I wouldn't feel it at all so i would just keep doing it. I have memories of trying to kill myself and I don't even remember why. I'm sure I have repressed memories as well because I have very few childhood memories and there are long gaps of time where I cannot access the memory no matter how hard I try. I have been able to get past a lot of the pain I've been through but I am only barely functional. It's not really something that people can give advice for either. Handing you off to a professional would be the easy answer but I don't trust strangers easily and plus how could someone who can barely keep a job afford a therapist?