Feeling like I'm not real, again *maybe trigger*

I haven't depersonalised to this extent in a long time.

Last night after I crawled into bed, I was having heaps of flashbacks, crying, shaking, and felt like I was back there again (first felt like I was 5, then felt like I was about 16). I felt awful and the memories kept coming and I was curled up with the blankets over my head and just kept crying.

Then I depersonalised... felt like nothing was real, everything looked warped, and I was saying to myself that I'm crazy, I'm imagining everything. Felt like I don't exist, seriously considered that maybe I'm still 5, maybe I'm in some mental hospital and imagining my whole life, maybe I'm somewhere else/someone else and going crazy and imagining my whole life, maybe I'd never even had kids, maybe this world doesn't even exist. I doubted every memory I've ever had, both the traumatic and the non-traumatic. Considered ringing a helpline and saying, "Am I real? Am I really talking to you? What the ###$ is wrong with me?" but decided against that 'cause I know that would sound crazy. I didn't feel anything, I was smoking a cigarette and it burnt right down and didn't feel it burn my fingers. I just felt so unreal, so non-existing. In the end kept telling myself to just sleep and in the morning and I'll be back to normal. The only times I depersonalise to that extent is after traumatic events, or during extreme stress, or after intense periods of flashbacks.

To give an example, I was assaulted 4 years ago by friends of my ex-husband in a public toilet, and afterwards I spent the next couple of days thinking I must've imagined/hallucinated the whole thing, didn't even want to go to the cops about it because I was sure that I'd imagined the whole thing and that the bruises probably weren't even real (in my head), the proof of bruises and scratches showed otherwise as one cop later said to me once it was reported.

Another example is of when I was going through a court case in which mine and my children's safety was hinging on the outcome, and it had dragged on for years, and several times I'd walk around thinking that none of it was real, thinking that maybe I was back there with him and was imagining having got out, that maybe I was crazy and in some institution and was imagining this whole normal wonderful life that I've created for myself and my children. I even dyed my hair the colour my ex-husband liked (even though I don't like having my hair that colour) whilst depersonalised because I thought if I do it it will keep him from getting angry and maybe he would stop trying to get us/ wouldn't hurt us/me if he found us again. It was weird 'cause I didn't feel like I was dying my hair, but rather someone else was doing it, everything felt so unreal. I was upset with myself for dying my hair later when I became "normal" again (depersonalisation episode over), 'cause that was one of the things about my body that he wouldn't let me have control over (he liked a particular colour so I wasn't allowed to dye my hair another colour).

I finally got to sleep in the early hours of this morning after the hours of flashbacks and then hours of that depersonalization $#%^ happening.

Today I'm back to living in a cloud. Nothing feels particularly real, but not as bad as last night, I'm over the worst of it for now. I know it's real, just doesn't feel like it. Ugh.

Crazy, I know.

Hi, Chicken! Do you have a counselor or therapist or a team? Is there anyone you could talk to? Please post here and let us know how you're doing now.
I'm sorry your husband was so abusive and controlling.

Thanks for the reply Jasmin,

I have a psychologist I'm seeing weekly, and a psychiatrist I see monthly. I'm coping today. The dissociation comes and goes, somedays really bad, others not much so. I'm glad I'm away from that abusive man.

It's great to hear that you have a therapist, I'm glad. You could post here to keep track of how you're feeling, maybe.
You're away from the abuser and he will never hurt you again.

*May Trigger*

I'm glad you posted this. It helped make me feel less alone. I used to feel that way a lot. I had an owner which is a lot like having the relationship you did, but i was bought from my stepfather and my abuser pretended to be my best friend. They could do this because they knew about my illness, and acted like i was crazy and they loved me. I really hope you continue seeing a therapist, because the times that i knew it was me and not some strange other person were so few it took my entire life to get away.

If you feel like you are in a safe state to develop a friendship, and share experiances or support i welcome a friend request. If not no hard feelings.

Thanks for the reply, I know how alone it can feel and I'm glad you found this site, it is very supportive and I hope you find it that way, Welcome!

I welcome the friendship request and would love to talk! Pm me anytime and I'll get back to you asap.

I'm sorry 'bout what you've been through, I'm glad you got away though, and please keep talking! **Huge Hugs**

I think abusers often like to use the fact that we have mental-health issues against us, and they will adamantly deny their involvement in creating the mental-health issues in the first place or making them worse through abuse.

How are you guys doing?

falling that deep can be really scary and confusing as hell sometimes! i hope you're feeling much better now and are doing well in other aspects of your life. <3