What disorder is this?

Personal Hell video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUgVEbLSaik

I had these feelings for years about a friend/girlfriend that I lost due to my own emotional insecurities of pride and fear. It's been over 10 years, but it still plagues me. I can never seem to let anything go. It makes me so cynical and pessimistic about the future. I don't want a future. Just more people to disappoint and disgust. I'd like to not exist anymore, but who knows? Maybe hells of life is just an appetizer to the hell that is to come after death. What's the point of all this? We mourn for moments that come to pass and hope for moments that just pass away. I suppose it would be easy if you had no attachment, but that doesn't come so easily for some. My mind just plays the past over and over with little, to no hope for the future.

I lost the hope to keep pedaling life like the others. There seemed like nothing to win but my own disappointment with myself when I mingle with others and the world. Every interaction seems like another risk to be discovered as a fool. I'm so smart that I know I'm stupid. My identity is so distorted. I've been a little melodramatic lately. Milking a dead cow.

I keep a little hell within me to help cushion the hell that's all around me.

I don't want to exist anymore. I see myself shying away from everyone. It's like my brain is in a process of shutting down and my body isn't.. yet. I don't know if I'm not letting myself enjoy things or I just can't anymore. I like to keep my doors shut and my volumes low so my chances of entering anyone's consciousness are kept to a minimum. I do this out of habit, probably. I don't like answering my phone. Some things ment so much that when I lost them, I lost the little meanings behind everything.

I've tried to reason with myself over and over again. "Grow up, be like the other people, throw the past away, it's gone, it's all par for the course!" It just won't stick! I've tried focusing on other people and things, but I am really in hell ever since you're not in my life anymore. I'm crippled, can't seem to really trust or connect with others, I haven't been able to enjoy things, feel happy and love people like I want to and know I should. I feel cursed or chained down. I can't convince myself of anything I know is logical and sensible. I know you might say it's totally irrational or obsessive and I agree with you, but it still doesn't make it go away..

It's so stupid of me, but I CAN'T HELP IT! I AM STUCK! Even just rationalizing and reasoning with myself, it won't go away, it won't leave me alone. Maybe it's like Mark Twain once said: "You can't reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns."

I tell myself "Oh, that was a long time ago, I was immature and didn't know what I was doing. It's just one of those parts of growing up. Why can't I just forgive and let go?"

There's so much to be thankful for, to be happy about, and to enjoy in life. I see it everywhere and tell myself all about it, but I can't seem to feel it... I think I'm one of the deadest living people there are. There's some invisible force field blocking me off from the rest of the world. Stuck in my own lil' nowhere land.

Maybe with my own self-torture and abuse I'm really just holding myself hostage with the demands: "LOVE ME! UNDERSTAND ME! SEE ME!"

"Lonely people keep up a ceaseless flow of commentary on themselves."
Mason Cooley

"The neurotic is nailed to the cross of his fiction."
Alfred Adler

"Some people get really hurt. They don't trust anybody. They put their heart in a concrete bunker.. some people wear emotional suits of armor.. they can't feel, they can't love, they aren't participating in life."
Ajahn Brahmavamso

"Don't get carried away building anything up, making a big deal out of it to the point that you get lost... Don't let suffering exceed the truth of what is... When you meet unhappy situations, don't become drunk with unhappiness."
Ajahn Chah

I hope someone relates to all that and maybe it helps?

Hello BipolarBowler

Is the video of your own writings? It is very expressive and the soundtrack is very complimentary to the video and the emotions expressed in the writings...

Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you through some of the difficult things you are feeling?

I love you. I understand you. And I see you my dear.