New, Have Questions (Story Included) Looking for Answers!

Hey Everyone,

Recently I stumbled onto the concept of Depersonalization after having another one of my so called "episodes" I've been experiencing for 7 years now. Here's the background and symptoms that I have experienced---

When I was 13, I fell into a "bad crowd" and ended up experimenting with hallucinogens (mushrooms), as well as started smoking pot fairly often. I had started working right in between the time I was 13 and 14. The first episode I experienced was maybe a month or two after taking the hallucinogens (I'm not suggesting that is the specific cause of my episodes).. after obtaining a CAT scan, an EEG, and MRI, seeing a neurologist, psychologist, psychiatrist, I was told I had severe anxiety, which wasn't easy for me to fully agree with, sure I had my days of anxiousness and worry but not extreme issues. I was put on numerous "beta blockers, and benzos" (not all at once) to try and find a solution that would fix my "episodes". to this day I have not found an answer that I was satisfied with to tell me what my "episodes have been".

-The triggers in the past have been Caffeine, Extreme Sports (if tubing and wake boarding fall under that category),Weight Lifting, and Sex (initially having episodes with every new sexual partner for the first month or so). I am now fine with caffeine and Sex--(for the most part)

I feel the episodes coming on and they usually last an hour, over 7 years at times they have happened numerous times a week, once every few months or even going almost a year with none, they always last 30 minutes to an hour.

-The symptoms have always been the same: feeling "strange" physically and mentally, Time seems to slow down, strange numbness in various places in my body, difficulties focusing, difficulties with speech (conversation, creating intelligible sentences, and even the act of speaking is hard), heavy headed, my body almost goes on auto-pilot and while my mind knows what my body is doing and has control it still feels like my mind is fighting my body on it, I carry an almost emotionless blank expression on my face, and I become severely anxious during the time of my "episodes".

I don't think I am having an anxiety attack, because when most people tell me of their experiences with anxiety attacks their heart rates are crazy, their short on breath and feel like their about to die or something.

Do my symptoms and my story sound like anything that you folks out there experience, or share the same symptoms as me? I'm 20 now and after 7 years of not knowing what the hell I have and a lack of understanding (even from medical professionals) I'd like peoples opinions that actually have DPD.

Thanks for bearing through this long jumble of a similar story you've probably all seen on this forum.

Yep, can relate.

Was diagnosed with having a dissociation disorder after I ended up in hospital with self-caused injuries, waking up in a hospital bed confused and scared not knowing or remembering what happened. What was scary was not so much that I'd lost a day, but rather the fact that in that 24 hours I'd s/h without knowing/remembering and the fact that someone came to try to wake me up and they couldn't, so I was taken to hospital, given an mri, and kept in for 3 days in the ER. Woke up in the ER some 12 hours or so later after actually being transported there. The last thing I remember was watching a movie. The psych reckoned it happened due to me being under extreme stress and going through imensely traumatic experiences. I was really upset because I thought, OMG I'm really going crazy now.

Also, went to the hospital once thinking I was having a stroke because I could not feel my body no matter how much I pinched my skin. I could not feel anything. My body didn't feel like my own. I felt unreal. The ER told me it was a panic attack, which I doubt and think it's more likely to be dissociation because I have panic attacks all the time, have had them since I was about 6, and when I have a panic attack, it's very different. I think it was probably brought on due to the stress of being in a violent marriage. Though what would I know, I'm not a doctor.

I have days and hours of feeling unreal at times, looking at myself in the mirror and not recognising myself. Knowing it's me, but it doesn't look like or feel like me. Talk to that person in the mirror and it seems like it's mouthing silent words back at me, even though I know on a rational level that it is me just talking to myself in the mirror. Time seems to be different when that happens, and I walk around the house in a daze, cloud like state. CRAZY I know. Standing in the shower with the water washing over me, but feel like I'm not me, like my body is on auto-pilot, and I can hardly hear anything because it's like I'm watching myself in third person.

Blocked out the first couple of weeks of marriage with my ex in terms of the sex. I know we had sex, but can't remember our first time, or the first couple of weeks after that. Also, later on in the marriage, after he raped me for the first time, I no longer wanted sex with him, but he would either force or coerce me into it, and many times when that would happen (either me giving in and doing what he wanted or him forcing me anyway), I would depersonalise or dissociate for hours on end, I think it's the way we cope with stressful situations, and I think that maybe sex has been for you somewhat stressful and hence why the first month or so of sex with a new partner is a trigger for depersonalisation for you? Sorry if I'm saying anything that you don't agree with or sounds wrong.

Since I was very little, have dissociated frequently, remember telling my mother that I could see myself from afar, or from the sky, or that I often felt like I was going to heaven because I'd go upwards from my body when extremely stressed and then everything would be ok. My mother looked at me strange and told me that I was crazy (that was one of the names I was regularly called CRAZY, MAD). Didn't bring that up again. I was only asking her at the time because I was thinking about it and wondered if everyone else did that too. I now know it's because of depersonalisation and dissociation. Many of my memories are from out of my body, just above my head, or right next to me, or looking at me, and at the same time, some of them it's like both me looking out from my own body and then all of a sudden me looking down at myself and the trauma I was experiencing. I don't know if that's normal, but that's what it's been like for me.

I don't know if shrooms or pot can bring it on. I know stress and trauma are causes, so maybe you do have extreme anxiety like the psych said, and dissociate/depersonalize because of the anxiety. You may not even realise you are stressed because you might dissociate/depersonalize quickly.

I'm not a therapist, but going to one might give you some clarity and help, and if the first one you go to doesn't seem to be insightful or particularly helpful, try someone else. What I'm trying to say is don't give up.
Psychologists, therapists, whatever you want to call them can help in learning how to ground yourself and bring yourself back, as dissociation and depersonalition are methods one learns to cope with stress or trauma, and the more often it happens, the easier and more automatic it occurs. For me, they just happen, I dissociate without even realising it's happening, or depersonalisation occurs without me knowing until I'm right in the middle of it. Although, I'm getting better at detecting when one is starting, and able to bring myself back into my body or bringing myself back into the here and now through distraction methods, grounding techniques etc... But they are so much harder to implement when you are stressed, so practice when you aren't stressed, bringing your focus to the here and now.

What am I touching? How does it feel?
What can I see? Describe it.
What can I hear?
What can I smell?
Using ice cubes, or a shower, etc... can help. I used to eat ice and that helped. But just remember that it's going to happen without you knowing, so don't beat yourself up for the times when you just can't control it.

I'm sorry you're going through this for a long time. If you get help from a psych or therapist, they can help, seriously, I never would've believed it a year or two ago when I was at my worst with my PTSD, and being seriously incapacitated with dissociation episodes, depersonalisation, nightmares, etc... It takes really hard work to get anywhere with it all, but seriously it does help. I was doing really well up until recently with it all, dissociation and depersonalising less and less often, maybe only once or twice a day.

Xx *Hugs*

Thanks for responding. Idk I question my perceptions with my episodes because I have absolutely never been able to put it into words, and I understand the out-of-body experience, but for me that might be pushing it a bit extreme. It's more just like almost stepping into a foreign place where my mind and body separate but are still well aware that they are part of a whole. I have always been able to feel them coming on, and I always remember the big picture of what I was doing while having them, but no specific conversations (phrases used or things talked about). I feel like my mouth gets mushy and words are hard to produce. As for the sex thing, I don't get stressed or anxious with new partners, its just a sense of nervousness (being with someone new and all) and it usually wouldn't kick in until right afterward.

I want to believe that this is the answer for my episodes all these years, but due to the fact that it IS so hard for us all to explain it, at least initially when we experience it, I can't agree (or relate) with a lot of peoples posts about blacking out or having an episode for months without ever coming back from it at least for a while. I have had months where I have had episodes once or twice a day for 3 days a week but never a full one time 6 month episode.

For me I just don't feel like I'm in a third persons perspective "watching myself from above", its more just that I am here right where I was and I know who I am and such, but my body feels incredibly uncomfortable and out of place, and I go into a mental "discussion" per se with my egoic mind, I'm telling it to leave me the hell alone and give me back my senses and feeling of normality, my movement and coordination. all the while it just talks back to me distracting me from "grounding" myself by suggesting to me that I'm an idiot or I'm lazy or unhealthy (overall just negative downer thoughts).

Idk you're story did help, but I've just been so uncertain about it all these years, and I've barley ever been able to put into words the feelings of the episodes. I guess it's hard for me to just believe that after spending 10 minutes on google I found the answer (which ranges from dead on symptoms of mine to things that seem in a sense-- and I don't mean to be insulting on any level to anyone out there-- a bit far-fetched or over the top, at least to relate to my symptoms).

On these blogs people talk about demons inside them or voices in their heads (I assume not referring to their inner dialogue of their egoic mind) and blacking out for days at a time, After reading a handful of numerous sites (professional and personal) about symptoms, those don't seem like the symptoms at all, and many people agree with these said symptoms that people are having.

It makes me feel uncomfortable to be so quick to say that I'm finally done and found my answer.

Idk, just makes me concerned : / especially that I did a reasonable job at describing my symptoms (that match with DPD) to numerous medical professionals and DPD didn't come to mind for any of them once, it was almost as if they didn't know about it.

I'd like to do more reading into information, maybe check out a few books about it. any other comments or suggestions?

I'm sorry you find it hard to find something that relates.

Btw, I never hear voices. Just because you don't black-out or float above though, doesn't mean that you aren't suffering from dissociation, depersonalisation is a form of dissociation. I think what you may be refering to in regards to the voices thing is DID (dissociative identity disorder). I haven't met anybody (that I know of) who has DID, although I've a few with depersonalisation and dissociation episodes.

There are different types and levels. I dissociate normally to the point where I am "out of body" so to speak, doesn't mean I'm "astral traveling" or something like that, it's just what the body does sometimes to cope with stress and trauma by forcing you to disconnect from what's happening and going on. Sometimes I dissociate by blacking out so to speak. Sometimes I dissociate by depersonalising. For you it might only be that you dissociate by depersonalizing, so don't think that in what I've said that it means that in order for you to fit this category that you must experience all these things, far from it, just having one form for a long enough period of time is difficult to live with to say the least. Have you thought about printing off the internet a description of DP if that's what you think you might have and taking it to a psych and saying, "I think this fits"?

Depersonalisation is under the dissociative disorders category. It's still a form of dissociation. Some people may experience all the forms, others some of the forms of dissociation, and yet others may only experience one or two forms of dissociation.

Don't give up hope, keep searching for help. I'm sorry I haven't been of much help, but my thoughts are with you. *Hugs*

oh haha please, don't get me wrong on what I've said, you've helped, having anyone respond helps put things into perspective. and by no means when I was pointing out things like "voices in one's head" or "demons" and blackouts was I referring to you at all. It was just a generalized concept of what I've seen from a lot of people on the boards here and how after reading several symptom guides from various sites, their symptoms don't appear to match really.

I had a talk with my roomate, he seems to experience depersonalization maybe a few times a year, and apparently reading up about 50% of people do, just not in the same way as I feel people like myself and others experience it. He says he can't recall it coming on -- he just finds himself in that state of mind all of a sudden, and he can snap out of it by "getting back to life" or basically going and doing something else and getting stuff done. I always feel it coming and for me there isn't any action, mindset, or thing I can do to bring myself out of it. For me it just tends to run its course for an hour or so and then goes away on its own.

Aside from the professionals, is there any sources you can link me to, books to suggest, or ways that you have gone about "Grounding" yourself (which I believe means snapping out of it and coming back to normal).