How will i live with this?

Oh, can we ever stop doing gender? (Judith Butler)
To hate oneself is an emotional issue. Can not be solved in an intellectual way. IMO it is more about discipline and psychohygiene. Sometimes I feel like my own unwanted pet. Would like to drown it or ignore it until it dies. But when I identify with it, I get interesting messages, like: set me free!

Remis Fargo wrote:Oh, can we ever stop doing gender? (Judith Butler)
To hate oneself is an emotional issue. Can not be solved in an intellectual way. IMO it is more about discipline and psychohygiene. Sometimes I feel like my own unwanted pet. Would like to drown it or ignore it until it dies. But when I identify with it, I get interesting messages, like: set me free!

Oh, don't worry. I'm not a fan of Judith Butler at all.
I only hate myself because, well... we've had pages and pages of dialogue about it before, so no need to readdress it. Acutally, i think it is more like dissapointed in myself, rather that hate. But i don't understand any of it either. What i keep restating is that our personalities are built on pre-existing factors, like how our brain was built to begin with. That means nobody is really genuine; there just programmed on what they got. Also, Do you ever wonder if you would be better off being born a decade later than you were, Remis? A decade earlier? Better off being born in a different part of the world with a different family. Or worse off? This is roughly how i think. A lot of our life decisions are decided for us via being born. No power.

Be it hate or disappointment, it describes a disordered self-relation. This reminds me of the situations when I become depressed: there is a certain moment when my frustration turns into aggression, and when I miss to come out with it, the aggression turns against myself. I feel I can not change anything and it is all my own fault, and I lose all my energy and feel sick. I have no control. Resignation at best.
But today I know it is just an emotional state. Of course there is a philosophical theory about it, volition versus determination. I have wasted hours and hours on that topic until i found a very interesting approach: we have to make our decisions in a certain frameset of external determination. It can be proven that denying one of these complementary concepts results in absurdity.
Here is the point where I stop intellectualism and make a decision: I have problems to solve. Absurdity can make me laugh, otherwise I drop it. A theory that makes sense can be used as a tool: I have to accept some things, and I can change some things, to different degrees. My decisions are potentially genuine in an evolving frameset. There is reality and I am not only part of it as a brain, a mental script or a biomechanical unit, completely subjected to external processes, but I am a subprocess myself, and I can take my part in reality.
Reality: you are a highly developed individual, but still dependent on your parents, forced to live with your family and adapt to benevolent, but ignorant despotism. No understanding, no support, humiliation, uncertainty, intimidation, isolation… and endless months more to spend in that circumstances.
I absolutely understand you wish to escape into another decade, another part of the world, another family! On the other hand you are afraid to be worse off. There is no guarantee, of course. But how does it feel if you imagine having a good job and a place on your own? I would be confident. You can gain some more power. Hold on and prepare your departure?

@Remis Fargo. Thank you for your inquiry. I think you get me on this one Remis, and not in a cliche teenage way. I see Depression as a cage, as it ultimately depends on myself to rid me of it, yet saps away your willpower to do so (I think that is what you are meaning to say?). The biochemical rant i typed was sort of an anxious theory, as i myself believe in a higher power, which grants us with...well...ourselves. But that creator has to, at some point know the outcomes of all things and decisions, exactly mirroring the naturalist biochemical arguement, so its a philosophical snag.

In any case, i will still find it hard to accept personhood sometimes. Reality: Because of this, it will be hard to live independently for awhile. I have to get better attached to reality in the meantime. And find a philosophy thats simple enough to not be an elitist diatribe, but more depth than your average young adult.

Im glad to see why i sometimes feel the need to escape to other circumstances. Considering what i wrote about before, its easy to see why i would choose losing myself over living with these taboo mistakes and this reputation of someone whos odd and creepy. A good paying job and place on my own? Yes that sounds more relevant to reality, not so much confidence, though. You see i've been spending so much time wondering what it would be like to be, pretty much everyone on the planet, that it sort of blurred out my own personal goals in life.

One last thing, in a way, you will always dependent on your parents. Like my last closing, they concieved us and gave us a body in this world. When may have control over our lives but again, our very basic existence is completely out of our hands, but in the actions of two prior people.