The Disconnect

Who I am, what I do, not important but what I feel ? very much so.
I feel as if my whole life I've been drifting away, disconnecting from my surroundings by creating fake people and places in my mind. Connecting to these people and places by using whats happening to me and everything around me and then investing my emotions in that vicious illusion. My body an automaton socially saying everything expected and striving, hoping for attention whilst blundering around physically as my mind looks in through fractal glasses, Never seeing what is really happening or going on just a thousand distorted scenarios.

The disconnect is between my mind and body, I can't seem to make myself do the things I want to do, I think if I slow down my breathing and talk slower I'll be able to control, dominate my life just a little more. This and another hundred little steps I've considered, planned and envisaged gone awry, never come true or just plain died mid enacting.

It feels sometimes as if I'm outside my own life screaming "let me in I know what to do" and all I get back is a softly whispered "no". I watch as the plan, the considerations burn and the supposed "beauty" of this new action plan, turns into something I never wanted. All of the hope I make myself believe in dies built and burnt by my own hands.

Other times my life is like a blind man in fog, can't help myself in a hopeless situation, everything slowed and no thought to what, why and how. I act without thinking hate myself for it and repeat the same damned thing.


What I want from you

Thoughts, stories, skepticism, questions, how and why you relate.
Any one of these, I don't want false pity as much as it might be comforting I don't think I could continue believing in this man I don't want to be if I started using pity more.

I want to know the others out there, I don't want to lead or follow just .. gather.
faythe

Come on over to the Dissociative Identity Disorder forum; that's where most of us can be found.

This is sad. But I've had to adapt. I had to invest in the inner world because I just can't handle the outer world. But is that so bad? I can still see the outer world and still see the people in it. Even though they move and chatter and seem full of life I see that they all seem to follow a set of rules. I get to thinking they might as well be machines like me. Sometimes I used to feel so alone like I didn't exist but I still have the inner world and I can still dream. These things keep me going. I ask my family what exactly I'm missing out on and they seem scared to tell me. But seeing how they live, I don't think I'm missing so much. The worst thing is feeling like a burden because I can't do a lot of things for myself like driving or interviews.