Just wondering..

This is going to be another "Do I have this??" thread, just a warning. AND this was originally posted in the DDNOS forum, but decided to also post it here since there is a little more activity in here.
Hello, I came across this section and have heard about dissociation/depersonalization in my psychology classes. We never went deeper than the basics. But I have been looking through some threads here and it made me wonder..
All I am really interested in is if it sounds like it could be a form of this. It's something I've been trying to get checked out for a while. Bipolar was everyones first thought, but it just doesn't seem right. It's also been happening more often than it used to. It's been two months and now I'm just kind of waiting for it to happen again.

What's been going on
There is usually a month or so between when these episodes occur. It used to happen way less often, maybe every 4 or 5 months. now it's been about every other or every 2 for a year or more. There will be a week (about, give or take a few days) where it's like I'm in a shell, inside myself watching everything. The entire week. Kind of on autopilot, but not really.. It's difficult to process some information when it happens and that's the only reason it's a problem to me. When it happens my grades drop because I have difficulty doing anything or don't even try..
There have also been atleast two days I know for sure where I went through my day and sat down, then froze. Because I wasn't sure what I was doing atm or where my day had gone. It also happens for a little while inbetween these times. Which is when the lost my day events took place. It is not as common, but does occur every now and then. Not usually the entire day, though.
EDIT: One more thing, can't believe I forgot this.. During sex I kind of zone out. I'm always the one on bottom laying on my back since I can't really do anything. After the first few moments the only way to really describe it is I just start slipping away, deeper into myself. Then right before it's over I come right back.
Double EDIT: Another thing that was very noticeable today(24th of Nov).. When I look at myself in the mirror it looks like my eyes, nose and lips are pasted onto someones face. Like it isn't completely me. And those three features just stick out and kind of hover. Idk how to explain that in a better way. Just thought I'd add that little bit.

I do sleep a lot when that happens (not always though), so it could just be related to that. But there isn't anything that I can remember that would trigger it to happen. No stress (doesn't usually happen) or anything. There doesn't seem to be any connection to my period, either. And sometimes there is a week soon after that's over where my mind is in super mode, everything is clearer and flows much smoother. And then it kind of settles back down to normal. Not manic or anything, sleep a little less though. But that's where that ends.


Any ideas?
If it doesn't sound Dissociative or Depersonalization related then do you have any clue what it might be like?
It's not really a huge problem, but it can be annoying and cause some trouble. Grades and all.. And people think I'm being colder or more distant than usual. Or just really sleepy.

Sounds like it, or something similar.
I remember also some of the things you wrote in your other account, and it seems quite probable.

The trauma can be far away, and unknown even to you.
Or you may know it, but not realize what it is causing.

It is like an accidented car, once you have the first accident, just rolling may trigger.
Those blackouts should be taken seriously anyway, better to be proactive, just in case. You might be able to get along fairly fine for awhile and then hit a snag, so i would definitively seek some professional advice if I were you.

Really? Do you remember what it was that I said on it? Lol

And yeah. That one blackout I was sitting in front of the oven watching cookies bake. The timer brought me back to myself. Had a major "Oh ###$!!" moment..

Trauma?
I don't get stressed out anymore. Used to freak out really bad but now I just don't care and accept stuff as it is. It's difficult to think of events as traumatic. To me atleast. I could name things that could be to other people. But they just don't register as such to me. And I can't remember if I kind of zoned out/pulled back during those times or what..
The only thing (past trauma and maybe some current) I cant hink of would be my father. But I doubt he did anything to me. If anything it was him being a major jerk to my brother. It was like him and my mother would be fighting all the time, even though I don't rememebr but a few times. They did not get along at all. I just can't stand him. There are no words to describe that man.
I used to have some kind of (social?) anxiety when I was younger. Not diagnosed, but kind of obvious. For example, if we were going out to eat or something I would cry for an hour before we left and hardly eat anything while there. Throw a total fit. Hated going shopping too. Now it's just whatever though. Everyone just assumes I kind of grew out of it (lasted up until I was about 14). Except for the eating out bit, but that's mostly people chewing with their mouths open, all the loud noise and the smell of all of the foods mixing together makes me sick.

How should I go about seeking help for this?

I hear you,

In any case, you can work a bit on yourself in the meanwhile. In fact I would say it is almost a must, since psychologists tend to dismiss people, especially when they are young, or not able to express a problem in a typical manner that they can understand.

I got passed over quite a few times (three to be exact) over many years. Well, the last one did not, but he did not seem to be going anywhere with the therapy. There was no diagnosis and he was pretty evasive with some damn obsession with money. Anyway, I left him just after he said I was "receptive".
Sounded so phoney...

But a few years later I was triggered by something else and I just could not evade the problems anymore. It is like hitting a wall. I did some small research and then went again, and they basically came up with something, some diagnosis. But my self introspection is paying off, because I am able to put things into words, and know what is important to say and not. What will peak their professional interest and so on.

Trauma does not necessarily mean something outrageous. I suppose having a dysfunctional family could be enough for some to cause problems. If it is repeated and your needs are not met, it could and probably would cause some imbalance. You could have had near-death experience at some point, or a death in the family and so on. All those things add up if the care-givers are not responsive to the emotional needs of the child, or even selfishly add their own problems on top of the problem. You end up having to repress your emotions and basically dissociate.

It may not be your problem, I don`t know. But if you pass out, there is some medical issue going on, most likely, that could be severe. You could go to a general medical practitioner for an unrelated issue, and see what he says about that. There might be resources you are unaware of that your parents do not need to know anything about.

Oh, I'm not passing out! I just lost time once or twice. Maybe I will got to my father.. That could show my mom just how much it is really bothering me. She'd be surprised as hell. More than that.

I can't think of anything you said that really hit me. Deaths don't mean anything, people die. That's that. No near-death experiences. Everything else I really don't know. I know there were problems but I just can't remember a whole lot. So I just assume it doesn't matter.

I feel like I'm reaching the end or as far as I can go on my own. But I just don't want to waste time being passed over or not taken seriously, as you had said. It seems like if I say "Hey! Is this a possibility?" they would be like "Pffft! Go away, silly girl." or something. I brought up the symptoms with my regular doctor, she just told me to eat breakfast every morning to see if it helped.
Let's just say it did not.

Yeah, exactly, they tend to dismiss.
I mean, it could be true about the breakfast, but then again, the question is how come you don`t take one.
I would not come up and say do I have X ?

They would think you are making things up. And they don't like it. But if you have actual problems, you say, "I have this and this and this". It has to be things you are struggling with. Like having bad marks because you cannot concentrate or something is a quite valid issue. If you have memory lapse, it is also a valid issue. Those are things that impact your life. If you really want for them to do something, you may have to be forceful. I had to shout at one social worker and nag them on appointments to go somewhere. If you act carefree, they will think it is no big deal. Some of them are incompetent too, so you have to move on if that is the case.

BTW, I don't think being indifferent to death is healthy, no more than being obsessed by it. There is some sort of middle ground that is considered "normal". But those were just examples that I took out of my own life, everybody has a different story. The idea was that some traumas are not lived as such. You may think it does not bother you or that you coped well, but sometimes, the brain is tricky. Those things come back up without you knowing the exact cause. You repress and forget.

I do believe I lost two hours today. Thinking too much of it, maybe.

And I wasn't really planning on going up to them asking if I have X or not. Because yeah, they would not like that. That would be silly. But the breakfast thing did nothing. Eating really early makes me sick, I'm just not awake enough for it. She wanted me to eat AS SOON as I woke up.. I'd have to wait until around 8 or 9 to eat. Which I always do. There was supposed to be a follow up appointment but my mom cancelled. Blood work and everything was normal so it wasn't anything else she could come up with before that. So this is kind of where I'm at.

Thank you for your replies. I'm going to see what I can do or if there is anyone around here willing to check me out. Or if anyone will even take me.

Stuff does come back. I was told it was from o to 5 years old. thats what the problem was. I was shocked. I thought it was abuses from my early teens and a few years before. Not so. Now I know. Im even seeing black and white footage of those early years, Somewhere in the 0 to 3 years. Meaning Im seeing something, glimpses of a story unfolding from a very young young age. Incredible to believe, it is happening because it has to happen. My mind is forcing the process to open up. And theirs a whole city under that volcano. A whole civilization buried beneath the ground, in the caves, under the water ways, in middle earth, where the ghosts roam...

It sounds like Dissociative behavior is in your life.

I used to go home from class, Not show up for 2 weeks. All dissociative stuff.

Sounds get dimmer, color gets dimmer. Life is lifeless. I remember when I started to improve from dissociative disorder. One day, the sounds of everything around me started hitting me at once. WAM..!!! ITs was like the volume of everything just got turned way up. When I looked at trees and plants of color, ITs as if someone put glasses on me and I could see with much better vision. Things were sharp and crisp. Colors stood out. It was shocking...

What you describe is what someone with dissociative disorder goes through 24 hours a day, everyday for ever. Things are simply warped and one cannot get back home. Meaning , back to themselves. I am getting back to myself because Ive done lots of reconnection work with self , Society and GOD.... None of it easily, all under the direction of God and a good therapist.

What are you thinking about during all of these times of " Freeze" or dissociation... Do you feel the stress of something else. Something other then what is going on around you in the present... ?

It's not always as severe as when it lasts for a week straight, not really me. I am not always bundled up inside of something, like a warm blanket, in my head watching the days go by. Like a movie.. Everything is blurry around the edges, kind of like tunnel vision. Sounds are muffled or either seem to happen to quickly or too slowly. I can almost feel the split in my head. I can see and understand what is happening to a point.
If someone asks a question I understand but then when I go to answer I'm either quiet/turn away/ignore it or answer differently/wrong. It's frustrating.

There's nothing going through my mind that is different than usually. Stuff like what I'm going to do when I get home, what I'm hungry for ro going to eat. What was on t.v. the night before..

Unless it's sex.
Then I'm just thinking how I can't wait for it to be over with. I want it and am excited until it's about to happen or is already happening. Then it's I don't want to do this, can't feel anything unless it's pain and that's only until I zone out. But after I feel fine. Not violated or anything at all actually. Which is the only reason I've continued to do it, but not anymore. Or atleast for a while. It never used to be like that though. Or not that bad, can't remember exactly. But there was a point where it was like Oh, this is weird. Okay then.

I can't think of anything that happens before or leading up to these times that would trigger or cause it.