Depersonalization and other personal fears.

Okay, so I feel like my family, nor even my counselor is being of much help to me. I need to talk to someone who feels the same way. I have had a few traumotising moments in my past. Though I'm only 19 years old, lately I have been feeling extremely scared. I had a big panic attack about three weeks ago, and ever since, it's made me overlook everything. I'm not a hypochondriac, but aside from the anxiety, I've also got depersonalization. Now with the depersonalization, I have a huge fear of going insane. This is mostly because of two things:

- My older step brother has skizzophrenia.
- Ever since I was a child, I have had an obsession with anime. Therefor, from my lack of attention from people around me, I began carrying around pictures of my favorite anime characters, basically pretending that those characters were actually there. I know the difference between reality and imaginary, and I don't necessarily talk to these pictures. Though it's basically always been my security blanket. I've gotten so used to this security blanket, that I'm begining to get uncomfortable with it. Some adults have imaginary friends. Some adults (my father as the prime example) still have a special blanket. But I have pictures.

Between the anxiety and depersonalization, I've felt like I'm going insane, which is a normal feeling with depersonalization, though I scare myself with it too much. So much so, that I begin to think of my brothers condition and start to fear that I may end up like that as well. I've scared myself with silly mind games, such as my mind making random creepy voices in my head, though I know that it's just my mind reacting out of fear. I think what makes me so afraid, is the fact that I don't know anyone else who uses pictures to feel less alone. Is there anyone else like this out there?

I hate that I can't seem to get past the fact that my family finds it "normal" although they themselves have not had the same security blanket as I. Even my counselor finds it normal, but I still feel uneasy about it. What should I do? And can anyone relate to me on this level?

I'm just very scared right now. Scared of insanity. Scared of being judged by people. Scared of being called crazy. etc.

Sorry to hear that you have all of that fear lately... That must be really hard for you to be feeling like that so much...

The pictures doesn't sound like a problem. Why do you feel uncomfortable about it?

I think I've been feeling uncomfortable about it because people make fun of me for always having pictures with me. And I'm 19 years old. Apperently too old now to be carrying around such a silly security blanket. I just stopped carrying pictures everywhere about a week ago. I feel a little insecure about it, but I kinda feel better too.

I don't think it's silly... It's sort of similar to when people carry around pictures of their loved ones in their wallets or purse... Just because yours are anime characters doesn't make it silly- you may have developed a similar attachment to the pictures because you have taken them with you everywhere. Similar to when people wear a sentimental necklace or carry with them some sort of trinket.

I hope that your insecurity of not carrying them disappears soon. You sound like in some ways you feel better for not carrying them...

I do feel better not carrying them around. I kinda feel like I'm missing something, but at the same time, I don't feel wrapped up in it. I feel like I can focus more on my life.

That is good to hear that you are feeling a bit better and like you can focus more...

Hello,
I have had serious depersonalization/derelization for a longtime. It started for me about a year ago, and I understand what you are going through. I have had it for about a year, and there are some days where I wonder why I'm still breathing. It is difficult, scary, and as I like to put it "out of this world." I assume that symptoms very from person to person, but one common fear that I had in the past is the fear of insanity. I have experienced the same fears as you that one day I'll break down from reality. Considering that everyday my life seems like a movie, as I feel like I'm being observed under a lense, I get kind of crazy, paranoid ext. I have lots of feelings involving this disorder, and many are intense and personal. Writing all would take a confusing mesh of hours...but one thing I thought you may find helpful is that I myself suffer from defense mechanisms similar to what you are describing...
Ever since I was a child, I have wished I had another life. I have been withdrawn from the world in many ways...mentally so to speak. I have always hid with pictures in my mind...I have always dreamt that I live in a different world...one different than this one for sure. I have imaginary friends...places...and people in my mind of chaos....I have pictured better versions of myself...I have conjured up many realities within my mind...of what I could be...or what I want to be...believe me...it gets deep...
Day in and day out, I feel as if I am so far ingrained within my own mind....I try to maintain physical activities...though it is often difficult. There are days where my dp gets so bad...I feel like I am hanging off of a ledge trying to hold on for dear life...as I'm slipping away....I have felt the floating...patronizing questioning of existence drama stuff...I am a psych major...and I have developed theories and ideas surrounding my dp. Interestingly enough, my psychologist found the detachment us depersonalization junkies do through mental widthdrawl extremely fascinating.....it is an interesting coping mechanism to detatch oneself from one's environment within a mental state....I am sure many of us dp's do it quite often....
All and all...I have felt much pain and confusion from this confusion, and I understand what you are going through. To be honest with you, I believe that people like us have very interesting cognitive abilities, and we are not going insane...though I have felt it many a time...
I am similar to you...and I stumbled across this site intrigued that I am not the only one.....I am lonely, withdrawn, and somewhat of a unhealthy introvert....so yea, this coping mechanism and anxiety is prevalent in mankind.....hope my insights helped. One thing I must say is that most dp people are extremely intelligent and gifted...so I liked to call this dysfunction more of a philosopher's syndrome than anything within the realm of schizophrenia.....respond if you have any questions, as I am surely willing to reply...Hope all is well....

Wow. That definately describes the way I've been feeling. Thank you. Lately, I've just been so out of it that it scares me. Like, I find myself trying not to let myself hide inside my mind anymore with those "perfect life" fantasies anymore, because for some reason, I felt as if it was that escape along with my odd security blanket that was driving me insane. Though, I know that I'm perfectly sane, I just simply can't get those thoughts to go away. Also, I find that my anxiety and fears are more extreme when I'm around my mother, who's changed completely. I think that she is the reason that I've become so paraniod and frightened by even the silly thoughts in my head. I hate feeling like I'm one step too close to insanity, but it's probably that fear and conscience of it that proves we're sane. My counselor, father, mother, and a few other people who know fully about my odd security blanket all claim that it is simply a security blanket and not a sign of any mental illness, though in my head, I keep thinking that they're wrong. I feel like a freak because of it, and I find it very hard to cope with myself when I have it with me. But when I don't, I feel empty. Actually, lately I've felt very empty, with or without it.

It's all due to you not feeling loved and fear of rejection and abandonment. Youir pictures are unconditional love, they are always there with you. It is a comfort. When you lack love, you grasp on to whatever gives you comfort. This is my opinion. I am not a doctor, but my view is that. I also feel you need to pray and get closer to God. He is there for you always . ok, God blessyou, J.

Thank you. I've gotten over my embarassment of my security blanket, though now I'm still trying to get rid of the fears that I have. I think it's something like a backlash of all the anxiety that I've been trying to get over. For the past few days, I've had this deep, horrid fear of losing my mind. So much so that my head has been messing with me. Finally, I got over that fear because my boyfriend, who has a very active imagination which sometimes causes hallucinations, told me that he had had that same fear, but instead of trying to push the fear from his mind, he accepted it as a fear and that it was all inside his head. That calmed me down quite a bit, and for a couple days I felt normal. But today, I feel as though my security blanket doesn't bring me anymore security. It makes me feel scared again, and I don't know if it's because I feel a better connection with my boyfriend and simply do not need my security blanket right now, or if it's that I don't feel security from it anymore because I was so embarassed and self conscious about it. Either way, it's rather hard to get it off my mind, and that fear of insanity has slightly come back. I had this thought in the back of my head that my security blanket kept me sane, though now without that sense of security, it's like that fear is coming back. There was a time about four years ago when I first got with my ex, that I didn't need that security blanket at the time. I hope that that is all it is and not that I'm actually losing my security. I had a picture the other day, but I didn't feel as if the comfort or the presense was even there. It makes me feel akward, out of place, scared, and confused. I don't know what to do about these things. It's very hard to deal with these feelings and thoughts.