Please tell me someone relates to this...

So my first exeprience of what i think might be depersonalosation happened when i first took ecstacy. From that moment on i just felt so uncomfortable around everyone i knew, even more so around close friends. I eventually went to narcotics anonymous and slowly started to recover and have been clean six years.

But recently i've experienced some problems that i'm really hoping someone here might have experienced.

A couple of months ago i left a five year relationship for another girl. Horrible i know and karma seems to have had its way because i'm in a real state. I basically went completely numb upon breaking up with my girlfriend and she was crying and hysterical and i just went so numb i couldn't feel anything. I basically went numb for a few weeks whilst in the new relationship but when my feelings seemingly started to surface and i tried to ipen up or go into them i found that all i met was this growing sense of terror.

I thought i was using the new girl in am addictive way to block out my grief so i ended it with her about two months ago. But now i can't seem to get in touch with my feelings. It feels like there's a big ball of grief in my stomach but when it tries to come out my brain does this thing where it gets all tight and tenses up to resist the emotions. I also feel like my body is constantly producing adrenaline that makes me feel high whenever i'm in social situations or just on my own. Its keeping the emotions pushed down like a drug. My heart also starts beating pretty hard when the emotions are trying to come out.

I don't feel any guilt, lonely or depressed. I feel scared that i'll never be Able to open up to my emotions again and sonetimes thats a bit panicky especially when i can feel tgem trapped in my body but my head won't let them come out.

Has anyone experienced this internal tug of war with blocked emotions trying to burst out but being resisted by some other part of you. It's so uncomfortable i'm sometimes forced to have to do spnetjing to take the uncomfortableness of it away. Not take the feelings away, because i can't feel them but to take away the feeling of my whole body fighting to keep the emotions down.

I basically don't want to be around people now because it sends me into this resistance thing. I feel like i can't be myself without my emotions. People ask me how i'm feeling and i say not too bad because i just can't get to my feelings as my mind just blocks them with its own chemicals abd resistence.

Does anyone know what i'm talking about?

Yes, I relate to that too. Unfortunately, in my case it's like emotions build up in me and then spill out at the worst times and I have no control over it. I do usually feel relief when the emotion does finally come pouring out, but I also don't like it because it's overwhelming and I wish I could just feel my emotions as they happen so they don't become such a huge thing.

So, I relate yes, but I have no offers for a solution. I keep a private journal, handwritten, and I feel sometimes that helps me to get past the emotional blockage and finally let them pour out if that's something you might want to try to at least get past this total emotional numbness right now, but I don't know long term I hope things get better..

Thanks for your reply. So when you go numb does it feel like your being given some sort of internal drug like adrenaline cos i feel like i'm high.