Void inside

I have been experiencing depersonalisation for what seems like 30 plus years. I feel like I was born with it. I have struggled through getting a degree (although I never really understood what I was learning, just rote learnt) etc. and a job, but I end up in confusions all the time with connecting to anything even administrative jobs. I have friends, who I for the most part pretend things are OK. Some I tell how low I feel. I have seem psychiatrists and am seeing a therapist.

But it seems all ludicrous as I feel like the void can never be fixed. If I was born with it (literally, I believe) how can I get any meaningful connection. The weird thing is, I watch others and can feel their life and energy and see their vulnerabilities, but have none of my own. I am a dead weight, going round in circles.

I have considered stem cell therapy, because it feels like something is really wrong with my cells. But I also feel that perhaps I was just born without emotional and psychological possibilities and am just a shell. I feel like the living spark left before I was born and the the left over material formed into a person. But I don't want to go around pushing people away. I want connection. I don't cut but I have taken several overdoses. I wanted to die but also didn't.My parents are fairly anxious people but there is love there and no form of abuse.

Does anyone else have this feeling of being born without possibility for connection? I feel like I am living in a fishbowl, expected to be human and constantly failing others (and any movement forward for myself).

Hi

Im not sure if this is depersonalisation. I have limited experience in DP, but you just dont sound quite like that to be honest. you sound more like me, and I have what is known as Asperger's Syndrome. You seem to identify with the general characterisation of a person with Asperger's. have you ever heard of it?

Kevin

Chucky wrote:Im not sure if this is depersonalisation. I have limited experience in DP, but you just dont sound quite like that to be honest. you sound more like me, and I have what is known as Asperger's Syndrome. You seem to identify with the general characterisation of a person with Asperger's. have you ever heard of it?

What would make you say that? To me, everything in mottogirl's post points to Depersonalization and nothing specifically to Asperger.

I have heard of Aspergers..a high functioning form of autism? From what I can see this diagnosis covers communication that has various patterns to it. It feels my communication has very little pattern to it except an extreme cut-offness and no idea who I am except to follow what others around me want. Real-life causes me pain because I compare myself all the time to others and the way I feel they are directed 'from within', at least some of the time. I couldn't give you an authentic 'want' for a million pounds, it is all so blocked.

The most scary part alongside no emotional journey, feels the loss of memory. I can see how other people interpret things through their own window of experiences and what those experiences have wired in them...I just don't know and also nothing 'sticks' making life quite complicated... even remembering to look at a list I have made to prompt me. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel like this. I have had brain scans, they were clear. Guess I will just have to adapt to it. At the moment I am off work, blanked out, eating and pretending to keep myself occupied, when really there is this complete void in my head....nothing is received and made use of.

Peptron wrote:

Chucky wrote:Im not sure if this is depersonalisation. I have limited experience in DP, but you just dont sound quite like that to be honest. you sound more like me, and I have what is known as Asperger's Syndrome. You seem to identify with the general characterisation of a person with Asperger's. have you ever heard of it?

What would make you say that? To me, everything in mottogirl's post points to Depersonalization and nothing specifically to Asperger.

Sorry Peptron. Having read her post again, I realise that I was wrong to suggest Asperger's. What happened the first time was that I felt an emotional connection to what she was writing (and I have Asperger's). It does sound like DP, now that I have read it again for the third time.

you say that you are currently off work, mottogirl - Are your symptoms more or less pronounced (or the same) when you were working previously?