I know something's wrong — could DPD be it? Help :(!

For about two years or so (I'm 20), I've had a tendency to search desperately for a name for what I know must be wrong with me. I've looked at Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder — all of 'em...and I don't quite fit it, you know?

But I know there's something wrong with me. For starters, I'm obsessed with coming up with a name for what's wrong with me.

I'm a hypochondriac. I'm always convinced I've contracted something.

I've gone through a couple pretty severe bouts of depression. Over the winter break, I would inexplicably start ruminating on thoughts so heavily that I'd escape reality altogether, curl up in a ball, and cry, kick, scream, hit my head on the wall. Often, as I calmed down, I'd cut myself. I don't know why I did it. I didn't really feel like I was actually doing it at all.

With the exception of my boyfriend, I seldom feel strong emotional attachments to anyone. Even though I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, I know that I could, if we broke up, "detach" myself. When I'm in social settings, I often feel like I'm a just puppeteer — I'm not really there, I'm just pulling the strings so I look like I'm "there."

I used to love public speaking. But a couple times, I've literally exited reality while delivering speeches. It's like I'm gone — checked out. I black most of the speech itself out...just on autopilot. Ironically, it's then that I do my best speaking.

Most of the time, I like to describe myself as feeling just a little deader than everyone around me. When I'm engaged in conversation, I get the sense that I'm calculating everything...that I'm first measuring out every little thing I do, then doing it. I'm always one step away from being invested in any situation.

When I'm in intimidating situations, to get rid of my extreme anxiety, I can consciously "switch modes"...it's like I flip a switch in my brain and, since I feel like a puppet, I just choose to act differently.

I have an extremely poorly formed sense of identity and self.

I have a high threshold for pain. I often describe it like this: I just pretend the hot plate burning me isn't there. Once, I burned myself (2nd degree) carrying a hot plate to a table at the restaurant where I worked. It hurt...but not like it should have.

Sometimes, in crowds and malls, everything around me turns into an overwhelming blur, and I coast through them, confused...

Could depersonalization disorder be my problem?

Hey, Journalist! This must be difficult for you to deal with. Could you maybe talk to a counsellor? It's ok if it's not possible, you still have this place.
Is there anything going on in your life that might be causing this? I phase out sometimes if I've been under a lot of stress or if I've been triggered and it does feel like I'm on auto pilot.

Mh... I can relate to your story a bit. Me too, I've been trying to find out what is actually wrong with me. And I guess I have now actually found the solution. I did this screening test ( you can find it in the Schizoid Disorder Forum) and I had the result od Severe DPD. So I suppose this is one of my problems, probably resulting out of my illnesses. I often feel superficial and my feelings are unreal, sometimes I wish I could cry but I can't, I am highly sensitive towards other people's feelings, but I also fake my own. I feel "foreign" in groups of people and I am never myself. I do nor who I am. I feel I don't have a real personality.
Oh well. Th ehuman brain definitely IS sth strange.

and I forgot to mention this observing issue. I am always observing my feekings, my trains of thought, my actions, my emotions. Sometimes it's lilke I see my face from the outside, I can actually SEE it and every movement of it.