Trying to Understand

Since forever I always believed that the feelings, attitudes, and reactions I’ve had in my life were normal. I had a slight sense of peace before when I was unaware. I thought that feeling numb, not feeling empathetic at times, and having different versions of myself was normal. For a while now all I can ask myself is who am I ? I have no sense of self and it worries me. I am sick and tired of feeling the way that I do. I also began abusing marijuana. It helped tremendously with my anxiety. Before I began using, anxiety attacks were a daily thing. They’d cause me to be on the floor gasping for air but as of recently it’s been better. On the other hand it has made me disassociate worse than ever before.

Basically I want to know if anyone feels similar to what I do. I am not the best at explaining but I hope someone gets it.

Does anyone else almost have a voice in the back of their head trying to say that nothing else matters ? Do you ever feel like you are waking up from unconsciousness at random points in the day with little recollection of what was happening ? Does anyone know if it gets better ? Do you act different when surrounded by different individuals ? Can you feel like you are loved by the people around you ? That includes close relatives and important individuals. I feel as though I can give love to others but I can’t receive it. The messed up part is one minute I can love you to the point where I’d die for you but the next you mean nothing to me.

I appreciate any responses

Not sure this belongs in depersonalisation....

A few things come to mind- Dissociative Identity Disorder, Other Specified Dissociative Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder. Any of those could fit what you seem to be describing, and that's just off the top of my head.

Have you taken any sort of personality tests or dissociative assessments, and have you spoken with a professional about this?

No I haven’t. I try not to self diagnose but I was looking to see if anyone could possibly relate. Thank you for the possible disorder explanation.

I understand about self-diagnosing. Any self tests I take, I take with a grain of salt- and try for the longer ones, especially ones that explicitly state they're based on diagnostic tests. Or even better, yet, get hold of a diagnostic tool and use it, again, with a grain of salt. Folks in the DID forum can help with dissociative tests. And I would have to dig the link up again, but floating around out there is a DSM Personality Inventory self-reporting test meant to be administered and turned back in to a mental health professional. It doesn't outright say okay this person is NPD this one is BPD etc but it does give back some broad paint strokes that can be used (by a dummy like me) to guess at my own particular brand of messed up. And presumably used by a professional to aid in a Dx.