Need some venting..

Hello all,

I am BrokenRecord and I have mostly been active in the OCD forums 6 to 7 months ago due to my anxiety attacks back then.. I have quited to visit this forums just because keeping in the loop of reading posts and asking reassurance was everything but help to my illness.
But now, I am back with a whole other kind of I really don't knows..

Im having a very weird kind of stuff going on the past two weeks. It is a feeling, that is not easy to describe but I will try the best to describe it. It is a feeling I had the first time when smoking weed back when i was 15 year olds, I am 30 years old now. This feeling I also had the second time when I smoked a joint 3 years later. The last time, before this, I had a massive panic attack and also had this feeling and was affraid of losing my mind. This panic attack was 1 year ago when losing a good friend due to a heart attack.

Now to describe this feeling, it feels like I constantly have flashbacks.. That I am me, or Me is I and vice-versa that I am not that me person. Even writing this down triggers it but it is just so damn weird. It feels like a light feeling in my head and especially when I am talking with my girlfriend It feels like I am out of my body or something and not actually the one who is talking. Thoughts also pop up in my mind that I have died and this is Limbo where I am living in and that my Soul is just haunting after my body.

It makes me depressed, and anxious. I try my best to go on with my life. What I am really affraid of is that everything has been a Lie, or that my past (as i remember it) has never happened or something or that I do not exists and this stuff will go on forever. It is also something I keep thinking about... Especially when im talking, and then when I am talking and feeling it, I get anxious again and start crying and just feel real numb. I am talking with a Psycho therapist and she said that it was Derealization but I do not see things flat or in 2D or something. Mentioning the first time I had this (on my 15th year) I described it as a dreaming feeling or stuck in a other life. I hope someone here can help me out, or send me back into a right direction just to feel normal again and enjoy life.

Somehwere realising that I can write this whole message down there must still be a part of me inside right

Kind Regards,

BrokenRecord