Is he really gone? TW

Hi, sorry im not doing an introductory post first, we've had a few different accounts on here before(bad with passwords). promise ill do one at some point.

(sorry in advance if im a bit rambly or scattered but im going through alot right now)

so on january 10th we were on a bus coming back from a routine doc appointment. it had been just me and j for awhile now(used to be a system of 6). he is married with 4 kids and his wife is my best friend. she is super understanding and they let me have a life of my own when its convenient for all(ive had boyfriend for 5 years now). we have been in therapy for a long while now and through therapy j came to realize and accept that he too was an alter and that as far as any of us knew there was no "core" or "original" left in us. this hit him really really hard. much harder than i had initially realized.

so this bus was crowded but we were halfway home and we were just realxing and stuff. we were standing and the bus was becoming more crowded and then things started to shift. we not him or i but we both started to feel ill and scared. at first none of us knew what was going on and we were looking around and wondering why we felt that way. then we smelled something we hadnt smelled in a very long time. im still not even sure if this is what it was but i have come to acept that it wa the cologne of the man who raped us. the rape that created me.

before we knew it it was as if the smell was suffocating and we started to panic and i began screaming and crying uncontrollably. i was having a flashback only this time for the first time ever in the flashback it wasnt me being raped. it was j. it was like i was watching it happen to him but i could still feel it like it was happening to me.

from what i understand and have been told by many "trained professionals" (i have mixed feelings), the body created me as a female alter in a male body because he was forced into the female role of sex with a man. i was essentially witnessing my birth again.

unfortunately this wasnt like my fantasy where i could travel back in time with peter capaldi armed to the teeth and stop this bastard before he messed us up. i was a little girl essentially watching my brother getting raped screaming and sobbing unable to move and at the same time certain that i was next even though i could feel everything he was doing to j.

it was much more violent and brutal this time than id remembered and i felt like my body was litterally tearing but even worse i could actually see this happening to j right in front of me.

at this point i starrted to be moved side to side and was being pushed by some kind of unseen force towards this guy and j. i saw flashes of people and the bus and could hear things like "move!" and other unsavory variations of the like.

before i knew it we were off the bus and i was like half in a flashback and half in the fetal postion sobbing on the sidewalk shaking and mumbling for help.

then i couldnt see anything. nothing at all.

i felt everything and to my horror my vision retuned and now there was two of the guy and they were doing the same thing to both of us in unison. i was reliving this but it was j's first time techn ically because the body kind of placed those memoires in me(corrine used ti call me the trash can, but in a much worse way).

after what happened that created me i was stunted and mute for 5 years. i only attribute my survival to it being my purpose to store all this trauma. this time i felt like we were being murdered.

the "act" continued until to my horror j was completey ripped in half. i screamed but now sound came out and i felt like i would die too at any moment. at this point i was welcoming it.

then it all stopped. there was some new guy who just kind of was standing there. then i noticed that we were standing and not on the ground anymore. i didnt know who this new guy in the headspace was but i was really scared and just wanted to find j. i said his name and i felt like a pain, the pain from the terrible flashback. it hurt so much, so very very much.

i couldnt feel him anymore. i looked and looked. i searched the headspace for days and the whole time feeling like i was dieing.

i had no choice but to leave this new guy fronting and he was completely new and just didnt know anything. i had to guide him to gettign on the next bus and getting home. on the ride home i gave him some info and told him to pretend to be j while i looked for him.

i came to eventually know the new guy as nick. he was able to bluff his way through the night as we just seemed really depressed and tired to j's wife but the next morning the jig was up and she understandable panicked and cried alot. she told him to bring j back and when i heard this i accused nick of taking j and he lashed out.

i sent several scared texts to my boyfriend then went to look for j. the next time i fronted i came to learn we were in a psych ward. nick was not capable of much and still from what ive been able to learn it seems like he was made rushed or something just to get us off the floor.

i felt j die. no matter how much hope i try to hold out and what people say i still feel it. i cried everyday several times a day for 13 days straight.

i havnt told anyone this extensive a version of this but his wife is holding out hope he will return and my boyfriend keeps telling me not to worry and everytime i try to tell someone this version of what happened i start feeling like i cant speak or like im going to die.

we are out now and for lots of reasons im staying with my boyfriend. i no longer have any of the skills that were j's like speking spanish and lots of other stuff. nick seems to have learning dissabilities and gets very bad anxiety in the outside world and prefers the headspace. i get these treomors in my arm that i hope is a side effect from the prozac they put us on. it varies seometimes from full arm to just a tremble of my thumb.

i dont know what to do. everything is so hard. i had anxiety episode at the supermarket(my first time shopping truly alone).

ive done extensive googling and more headspace searches but cant find anything close to what happened to us. ive seen things say alters cant die they just go dormant and things like alters killed by other alters or alters who commited suicide werent really dead but nothing even close to this.

can anybody please offer any kind of advice or help or insight of any kind.

desperately yours

- Kayley