Identity problems .. merging with others.. who am I?

Hello all,

My last therapist told me I suffered from depersonalization and derealization. I want to know if anyone else experiences a simultaneous sense of having no fixed identity, and yet being authentic with others.

I don’t have any friends and I prefer it that way, when I’m around others I expend so much energy making them feel comfortable it exhausts me. I’ve always felt like an outsider, some detached witness peering out from a fish bowl. I see what motivates everyone, what they’re feeling and lying to themselves (or me) about. Because I feel like I can “see into” them, I get this intense compulsion (I cannot control it) to harmonize with them and bring forth their desires in the conversation (within reason). I retain my own sense of self, but I’ll adjust my tone, direct conversations and make the interaction all about them and getting them feeling good. I do this because any tension, irritance or problem within them or between us makes me feel what I can only describe as overcharged with electricity. It feels like I’m going to explode and is very uncomfortable. This feeling drives my need to harmonize, so I often repress certain aspects of myself temporarily. Again, when I do this, I know I am “molding” myself to them.

My entire life I’ve asked myself questions like “who am I?” but I have a very strong sense of self. I behave authentically and genuinely with others; when harmonizing, I find dimensions of my personality they *can* handle to express instead. So although I morph into what they need, it’s still a version of me if that makes sense. And yet I’ve always felt as if there was this “other” inside me asking who I am. Is it possible to be an honest and sincere person who knows their strengths and weaknesses, and yet still feel as if my identity is not mine?

I live inside my own world, full of archetypes and symbols, that satisfy me more deeply than interaction with others, whom I find draining. I have come to the conclusion “God” is the true Self, something I have managed to meet in this lifetime. My passions are psychoanalysis, alchemy, philosophy, and writing poetry. Could this disorder relate to identity and perhaps philosophy/spirituality?

Any help is much appreciated!