Help - I'm scared of being schizophrenic once again

Hello,

For everyone who doesn't know me: I've been suffering from GAD and depression for 1,5 years now, and I think I've pure O since my childhood (which is not diagnosed). I had compulsive thoughts about hurting/killing loved ones or doing sexual things to them. I tried to ignore them at first but they got so weird, that I thought I must be a psychopath. As an example: when I saw a pregnant woman, I pictured myself punching her in the stomach, I was so terrified by my own thoughts and felt guilty as hell. I'm also suffering from HOCD, I was often ruminating till 7 a.m. figuring out, which sex I'm attracted to. But all those problems were fading when the anxiety and panic started. I had severe panic attacks for a few weeks, followed by constant anxiety and servere depression. I was in hell for like three months. This was when the first existential obsession started. In that three months I freaked out about everything. And then there was this thought: "What if I went crazy without noticing and my parrents are just part of my lunatic imagination?" This thought was so terrifying, that I thought about ending my life for the first time. But I made it through the days somehow and my anxiety and depression eased off and so did the thoughts. I was doing pretty good for about one year. I had a panic attack once in a while, but everything was fine, I could go out with friends, study and do sports; No suicidal thoughts. Only the thoughts about my parents sometimes triggerred fear in me, but I got it under control with distraction and a healthy lifestyle.
But everything changed last christmas. I was sitting at the dinner table with my family and had a severe panic attack. It eased off and everything was okay. I somehow knew I would have problems arround chrsitmas, because I feared all the stress. But I didn't expect it to be so bad. I had another panic attack a few days later (alcohol induced), and fell into the downward spiral of anxiety again. I thought it would never stop and had a muscle pain all over my body. Everyday was exhausting and I felt miserable because of the anxiety and muscle pain/agition. I coped with this symptoms after a few days, but my anxiety levels were still very high. And there was that one night, where I asked myself: "Will I overreact to those obsessive thoughts again?" and I imagined everything being unreal, and a major panic attack followed. That thought about living in a dream freaked me out and made me suicidal again. I knew it was just my imagination, but the impossibility of disproval terrified me. I imagined people being soulless or mindless and I panicked a lot. It was so bad, that I went to the mental hospital, but they didn't want to take me. The doctor just prescribed me a new medication and said I should continue my ongoing therapy, which I did. I distracted myself and tried to live my life as normal as possible and the thoughts vanished away. I also read alot about solipsism and after a few days obsessing about it, it started to bore me. But after a few weeks I developed a constant and high level of anxiety. I couldn't stop walking arround to ease my anxiety. I woke up with anxiety in my stomach everyday and then the thoughts came back arround. I again imagined nothing arround me being real and it caused a severe panic attack. Since then the anxiety attached to those thoughts again. I think about solipsism all day and the odds of being real or not. It made me severe depressed, and everyday is a battle right now, everything feels unreal and pointless, people seem far away. I'm so scared that it might be psychosis, I mean I always read about depersonalized people, who have these kind of thoughts, but I had never severe depersonalization. I felt unreal often and my environment seemed strange, like I was in a foreign land, while being in my hometown, but I always recognized others and myself in the mirror. And all the depersonalized people know, that they just feel unreal and don't really question reality. I do, because my imaginations seem so real. I mean how could these thoughts freak me out and make me suicidal, when I don't believe them? I also ruminate about things in the past, where I had crazy thoughts, which strengthen my fear of being schizophrenic. I have some examples. When I was a kid, I went to the hospital for several examinations, because I had muscle twitches. My anxiety levels were very high back then, because I thought I had a rare motorneuro desease. The first day they tested my heart in many ways, and the first night I asked myself, why they would test my heart, when I have nervous/muscle problems. And then there was that idea, that they would maybe want to steal my heart. This idea made me panick, but I instantly dropped it and never thought about it again, because I recognized it delusional. But wasn't it completely crazy and delusional to just come up with this thought?
Another thing occured, when I was a young teenager. It were holidays, my parrents were away and I was home alone for two weeks. I watched this paranormal activity movie and it freaked me out so much, that I couldn't stop thinking about it for a week. I was so scared there could be a deamon inside our house and I watched out for smallest sound or hint. But my fear vanished after some days. But wasn't this delusional? I know it's normal to be scared after watching a scary movie, but I was obsessed about it for a whole week!
All these things make feel like I must be schizophrenic. How can I not be, when I'm neither really depersonalized, nor seeing my thoughts just as a result of obsessive thinking/anxiety. I panic everytime I think about solipsism, and it's like a compulsion to think about it all day.
I really don't know how to move on, I was on such a good way, but now I hit rock bottom, every new day freaks the hell out of me. The only thing keeping me alive is distracting myself with computergames.
My current medication is Mirtazapine (30mg), Quetiapine (25mg), Escitalopram (10mg).

Sorry for the long text, but I really needed to share my whole story!

I'm really not sure how much longer I can take this.

best regards

Eyo!
I think you and I are very similar. I don't personally have much advice, but maybe there will be some consolation in knowing you aren't totally alone.

First off, I have a mother who I believe to be schizophrenic, which, when I do feel detached from reality, that idea tends to send me into rumination about whether I have inherented the predisposition from her genetically. Sadly, that is not entirely delusional, it is a possibility. On a more optimistic note, however, I do not experience hallucinations, only delusions that I occasionally entertain. It is not currently a reality, and if I take care of my mental health the best I can, it shouldn't become a reality. If it does, under some horrendous chance, having a support system who can get you proper treatment greatly improves one's chances of living a more or less normal life.

One thing I've definitely noticed is that my derealization and paranoid ideation are greatly blown out of proportion when I smoke weed. I've had moments where I'd try to listen to music while high, then thinking that the sound wavelengths in the music I listen to are deliberately placed in the songs so that the government can control the masses into fear induced chaos (I listen to a lot of rap, so I'll also ponder the idea that they intentionally alter African American's neuro chemicals in a way that inhibits them from improving their own socioeconomic climate). So then I'll think that the music I'm listening to is the cause of my anxiety and making me think such delusional thoughts about a relatively innocent artform... very circular reasoning, you'll notice. If you notice that your thought patterns are becoming circular, that's a good indicator that you need to take a moment to focus on something else and ground yourself.

One thing to consider is if you may actually be suffering from BPD. Do a little research. You'll find that many sources report persons with BPD having episodes of paranoia and dissociation when under stress, but otherwise function (fairly) normally when not under stress.

Hey,

I know you posted this a while ago but I feel for you and want to know how you're doing!

I don't have exactly the same experiences obviously -- but similar: severe anxiety ever since childhood, panic attacks, obsessive thinking, dissociation etc.

Have you considered having your medication reviewed -- do you feel it's helped you in any way?

Also, do you feel you're getting anywhere with therapy? Is there any way you could mutually agree to change tack, or even get a new therapist if it's just not working for you? Hopefully it is helpful, but you do sound pretty debilitated by your conditions.

I know this probably won't carry any weight: but all the things you describe, in my humble (non-professional) opinion, sound like symptoms of the conditions you are diagnosed with/mentioned previously. As you know they take you to some dark, very confusing places.

Schizophrenia prodrome can manifest as these kinds of symptoms, as far as I'm aware, so it's possible, but...probably unlikely.

Best best wishes

Hi!
I know this was posted a while ago but it caught my eye.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia over 5 years ago now.
These symptoms are not schizophrenia. But they could be a lot of different things but not schizophrenia.
I know I haven't helped really but, I hope this gives you the relief of not being schizophrenic.