Don't know what's wrong with me

I won't get too into detail on past mental health issues but this will probably be lengthy anyway so I understand if you don't want to read it. I kind of just need to jot my thoughts down. I don't even really know if this is the right place to post it.

My head has gotten so warped over the past few years. I had undiagnosed depression (I'm assuming) since I was like 10, and now I'm almost 16. My depression isn't really the sad kind. I don't feel sadness or loneliness. It's more of the dull kind. I guess I should also mention that i tend to have emotional detachment, bad social skills, things like that. The only interesting thing in my life right now is excessive daydreaming (MD) that I've been doing since 12.

For a long time now I've been having identity issues, more specifically ones including my emotions. I'm confused and frustrated as I type this because my head is messy right now. I can't properly identify my emotions. I can't even express them properly. I have a pretty short emotion range (content, neutral/dull, anger) to begin with to that makes it worse I guess. I've been pretending my mental state for my whole pre-teenhood to now and maybe that made things worse? I don't know.

I can rarely tell if what I'm feeling or what I'm thinking is pretending or not. I think there's a name for it. I really don't know how to describe it, it's really confusing. My emotions are also so out of line. Nowadays, I feel so content on the outside and inside, but simultaneously there's still my 24/7 constant thoughts and legitimate plans of committing suicide. My constant violent and sadistic thoughts and fantasies. Underlying rage and hatred and misanthropy. But I feel normal. I feel nonchalant. I feel good. But how can that be if that's what my mind really is?

In related, I also have trouble with my surroundings. It's not to the extreme but I get really concerned if anything is real. If I'm real, if the world is real. It's not just a cheesy 'ohoho what if it's like the matrix' but sometimes it gets to the point where I look at my surroundings and I'm just "is any of this even real? Am I real?" and it's the most confusing thing ever. Sometimes it really fries my head for a few seconds. The way I can explain it is that it feels like you abruptly realised that you were inside a movie, or watching a movie. Or like everything around you is a video game. Idk. It's not that bad it's just a moment of vague confusion. It lasts a few seconds to minutes but now it's sort of a side-belief I have. I kind of do hope that it is all fake. It gets worse in certain situations.

I feel fake like plastic. I feel like I'm a mold or mirror trying to mimic everything around me. I don't have a solid self because I don't know what I actually am. My head constantly gets so messy and confusing because I don't know who I am, for lack of better word. It's so hard to even explain it but I feel so disconnected from everything, like I'm an alien. I don't know.