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DP Self induced ?

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DP Self induced ?

Postby Jyuuga » Wed Aug 31, 2016 3:07 pm

Hey guys, first time posting here..

I hope I put all the trigger warnings in the right place.
It's all a big relief to have it typed out...
I never had DP before in regular life, though one or two times induced by drugs. The first was when consuming truffles (magic mushrooms), and the second time when ingesting a big amount of cannabis.

****Trigger Warning*****

After those experiences were over however, I'd always return to 'normal'. At this point I feel like I am in a physically induced DP state. I think this happened, because I used to get distracted/paranoid in the train about my composure, and that somehow affected me to the point where I got so far distracted, I'd be paranoid about my composure in real life as well. I'd develop 'limping' feet, (dont know how else to describe it) and feeling overly conscious about my appearance.

Now somewhere along the line I'd get distracted by my breathing as well. I did so because I thought if I used meditation techniques to get out of my paranoid state, that would actually work. But actually it brought me to a worse place, because I started to become paranoid about "breathing right". Also, in the same time period, I was changing my personality to become "the best version" of me.. gauging by the reactions of my peers. So I had a constant struggle for approval, while trying to maintain a normal composure. (which I couldn't.. because of the stupid reason that I felt like a "hipster"...)

I started getting a treatment, and decided to run everyday an hour or so, I bought mandala colouring books to get myself into the now. I played guitar now and then to distract myself, and I watched plenty, plenty, plenty, plenty, plenty, plenty of YouTube video's on all kinds of different topics all to distract myself.

Now during the run of *that* whole episode I'd try not to focus on my breathing so badly anymore. I also listened to hypnosis sessions to try to get myself feeling back to normal... I experienced massive emotions from that point on.. Like massive episodes of guilt, of shame, of sadness, all different emotions which lasted about a day or two each.

Now I feel like I tried everything, I've tried running and so forth, for several weeks on end but it didn't really help my DP, and tried to do what I knew to be "good" choices. I don't have "shivers" anymore, everything in my life seems artificial, fake, and that triggers my DP (even) more.. With those shivers I mean literally just that, because sometimes shivers can bring you back from a zoned-out experience, back in to reality, right?

I don't have those anymore. I feel I developed hypochondria. I feel a constant pressing pain in head, as it also shifts (my head) from place to place. I can't sleep normally anymore. In the past few days I feel growing more unrestless, I feel like I made the mistakes to begin with. I feel like my composure is off. I feel like I don't know what to do to get myself better. I feel like I'm not in reality anymore.

***End trigger warning***

tldr: Chronic depersonalization.. Can't sleep normally, feels like it has been self induced.
Jyuuga
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