Not sure where to start with this. Derealization

So. I'm sitting here at 1:30 at night, I drank a lot earlier in the day and I finally decided its time to do something about this. I'm 17 years old now, It started about a year ago, maybe a year and a half. I had been a stoner, heavily since I was 15. I was smoking some incredibly strong weed and I got some really bad news that gave me massive anxiety. I wasn't sure how to cope with it and all of a sudden the world seemed a bit farther off. My mother then forced me to move from where I was living to live with her wealthy friends and from there it just got worse. Previously from this point I had never had a single bad experience smoking weed, not the slightest bad feeling or anxiety what so ever. Now every time I smoked my chest got tight and I felt like complete and utter $#%^. Day after day the world faded more for me, I would try to focus on things and see things the way I used to but I just could not. It's been a long time now, at first I thought I was going crazy or I had a brain tumor, something of the sort. I now believe it's likely drug/anxiety-induced derealization. At the height of it, after I moved I could barely go outside because the world seemed so far off, so intense. I got anxiety attacks everytime I interacted with someone out of my safe zone. I quit weed for 5 months during this time. The only thing that made the anxiety go away was smoking weed again. It's been about 7-8 months now, I've smoked lots again and while I have self confidence and no longer get the anxiety, The cognitive deficiency, the feeling of complete disconnection is still there more than ever. I can't appreciate beauty, I can't appreciate nature. Even my beautiful girlfriends face is dull to me. My emotional capacity is there but fair diminished. I wanted to die a few months ago, it sucked all the joy out of seeing the world. But then 2-3 months ago, I tried MDMA (Molly) During this time I was on the drug 3-4 hours, My entire world came back. EVERY little bit of the deficiency was gone. I felt normal. I felt like I should, The world was there, I could feel the carpet and I could see the stars, I felt present. I'm rambling awfully but I have no idea how to explain how I feel. Your world is your entire perspective and existence, its all you have. Your cognitive ability is all you can do to perceive the world, you cannot look at it outside your own brain. I've tried quitting weed, I tried taking 5-HTP thinking that because MDMA releases serotonin I simply had a deficiency, but after a month I didn't feel much better and nothing seems to make it better. I still smoke sometimes and I still drink and do all these awful habits. I just told my mother about this and asked her to bring me to a neurologist or psychologist even though they will likely try to prescribe me SSRI's or something. I don't want that. That will create a dependency even if it fixes the issue temporarily. I'm not even sure why im posting this, I've barely told anyone about it. I have no idea if Im following the forum rules or anything. I just want help. A word of advice or something I can try would be incredibly appreciated. I know I should not do any substances, ground myself in reality, eat healthier, produce more serotonin etc etc... But I've seen no improvement when ive tried these things. I'm beginning to think its permament. How do I return to normal, what must I do? I cannot live like this. My brain is all I can experience and I do not want to continue living like this, but I of course do not want to die at the same time. For I believe any existence is better than none. So if anyone has ANY personal experiences, ideas or anything you want to offer me. Please do, it means the world. Thank you

Greetings,

I think one of the things when looking at dissociation is that drugs and alcohol can't be involved. A lot of what you described sounds like MAJOR Depression. It's also very common for people who have mental disorders to self-medicate through drugs or alcohol. I understand your feelings have continued to occur during periods of sobriety. I have no idea what the long term of affects of drugs and have never engaged in this behavior.

You're right that a Doctor will likely want to prescribe some medication. SSRIs aren't addicting, but can help elevate your mood...if it's the right med for you. What you are doing is self medicating with things that ARE addicting and NOT beneficial for your brain (even if it feels good). Your brain is still developing until 25 yrs, so drugs can be particularly harmful long term.

I'm so glad you told your Mither about what is going on and asking for help. That is so brave of you! It's not good to go through life, or even a day, feeling like you would rather die...that I can relate to.

Perhaps, starting with a Psychologist would be good for you? They may be able to discuss your apprehension about medications and can steer you in the right direction and better determine a diagnosis of dissociation, depression or both.

Thank you for posting and seeking help. All the best to you,

Kali

What to do? Man up, stop the self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, and talk openly to a psychotherapist. You are not alone.