My name is Paul and I am 42 years old and live in the UK. I had a perfectly normal upbringing with the only "trauma" being my parents divorced when I was 9.
I had a long term relationship from the age of 22 to 28 but I didn't realise at the time that my partner was very controlling and demanding. I lost all self esteem and got to the stage where I felt totally worthless. I started to suffer from depression and then one day while sitting on a train, I had an overwhelming urge to open the door (you could do that back then), and throw myself out. This urge scared me so much but luckily I didn't go through with it! I eventually with the help of a close female friend, ended my relationship with my partner. I was a complete mess and if it wasn't for my friend, I don't know what I would do.
A year later, I met a new lady. We met on a dating website and even though she lived 250miles away we started communicating. She had no photo but after just a few weeks talking, I knew I was already falling in love with her. When I did get to see her, she blew me away at just how beautiful she was. We got together and despite everyone telling us it wouldn't work because of the distance, we did. I moved from the South coast to Yorkshire and despite needing to keep traveling to Brighton to see my daughter and her brother from my first relationship, it worked. She then decided to move down South with me and her 2 kids from her first marriage so I could be nearer my kids and she liked the South.
For 9 years we went through a lot. I changed jobs. Started my own business. Worked 3 jobs to make ends meet and whilst money was very tight (she only works part time), we were very happy.
I never once suffered from any depression or scary thoughts and assumed that when it happened it was just a "bad time" in my life. I was very happy and whilst there were a couple of times when females showed me some attention, I never, ever once strayed or did anything behind my partners back. I trusted her 100% and she trusted me 100% I am a family man through and through. We even had another child together.
Four years ago a friend won an all expenses paid holiday through Europe followed by a cruise. He had nobody to go with so asked me. My partner insisted I should go (I wasn't so sure myself) as she felt I deserved it as I was always working. I wasn't going to argue so off I went. Every night the coach stopped at a different hotel and the first thing I would do was FaceTime her and my kids. I was missing them but especially her, so much.
After boarding the cruise ship in Venice I suddenly had no contact with her. I couldn't phone and I couldn't afford Satellite Internet connection. It was to be 3 days before we were next on land. That was when I broke down. I went down to my cabin and just couldn't stop crying. for 48hrs I refused to leave my cabin. My poor friend had to bring me what little food i ate. I couldn't ever remember feeling so sad and thinking about it now, upsets me still. On the 3rd day I felt better and thought to myself that it wasn't fair on my friend so made the effort to leave the cabin.
That very evening I went to one of the bars on the ship and saw a very pretty waitress. I don't know what happened next but all of a sudden, I felt I was a passenger in my own body. I started to flirt with her and she did the same in return. I started writing little love notes and I was behaving as though my partner and my kids simply did not exist. It was as though they had never been born!! My friend (who knew just how much I loved my partner) kept on saying to me "what are you doing? Why are you doing this?" and all I ever could say back to him was "I don't know. I can't stop myself". Days past and I did manage to make contact with my partner and whenever I did, I started to feel incredibly upset. Then I would go and see the waitress and like the flick of a switch, my partner no longer existed.
On 2 or 3 occasions the waitress snuck into my cabin after her night shifts yet all we ever did was kiss and cuddle. She made it clear I could have done more if I wanted but I didn't. All I wanted was to wrap her in my arms, kiss and feel wanted. This confused the hell out of my mate and myself, even more. Just didn't make any sense. Who on earth has an attractive woman willing to go to bed with you, and you simply want to hug and kiss??
Anyhow, the ship landed back in the UK and just like a switch, I no longer had any feelings for the waitress and I just couldn't wait to see my partner. Only I was also racked with regret, disgust and many other emotions regarding what I had done. When I saw my partner I was the happiest I could have ever been. However, constantly in the back of my mind I was playing it over and over and over in my head. What had I done and more importantly, WHY had I done it. I was (and still am) madly in love with my (now ex). I was truly disgusted with myself. I hate people that have affairs. I hate what it stands for. My partner was the very woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My best friend and my lover so how could I have done that too her?
A few months pass and because of my iPad, my eldest step daughter found the notes I had written to the waitress. I couldn't even remember them being on there. Needless to say my partner threw me out of the house. Quite rightly so. She kept on asking me why I had done it. Did I not love her? I couldn't love her more if I tried. Did I not fancy her? I can't fancy her more if I tried. Did she make me unhappy? I was more than happy with her.The only answer I could give her was "I don't know". Suffice to say, that was not the answer she wanted and simply saw it as a cop out. She spoke to my friend who confirmed me being upset in the cabin and then saying "I don't know. I can't help myself" whenever he confronted me about what I was doing. After 6 months of me never giving up on her, allowing her to scream and shout at me as I felt I deserved it, we started dating again and I eventually moved back in. I had been asking her to see a relationship counsellor with me but her reply was simply "I shouldn't have to".
Things were going OK with the occasional flare up and needless to say, whenever we had an argument my "affair" was constantly thrown back at me. Whilst I hated it, I still felt I deserved it as I still hadn't dealt with it myself. I still had no idea why I had done it.
After 2 years my partner turned around and simply ended the relationship. Said she couldn't do it anymore. That she felt every time I left the house I was going off to have an affair. I begged and pleaded and broke down. She left me in the kitchen and that was when I took hold of a kitchen knife, curled myself up into a ball in the corner and thought about stabbing myself in the neck. My 4 year old daughter walked in and asked me what I was doing with a knife. My eldest daughter heard this and came into the kitchen and wrestled the knife off me. The Police were called and eventually I was taken away in an Ambulance as I was "like a zombie" so I was told.
My father came the very next morning and it was agreed to take me out of the house and over to my mothers for the sake of the kids. The next few weeks passed in a blur and despite the doctors advice (I was on anti depressants by this stage) I went back to work. This was a big mistake and I had my second break down. This time it was so bad my poor mother had no option but to get me sectioned and so I spent 10 days in a mental hospital with the first 48hrs being on suicide watch. I hated myself so much. I still couldn't believe I had done what I had done and it still hadn't made any sense to me. Through all this I refused to give up on my partner. I was still just as in love with her as when I first met her which just made what I did all the more bizarre.
During one of my many mental health assessment meetings, one of the team mentioned to me the term "Dissociation Disorder" as she felt that was what I had been suffering from. I left the meeting and immediately started to Google it. I was amazed. The more and more I read about it, the more and more I could relate to so much of it. Finally, after spending many hours with a counsellor I finally came to terms with the reason why I did what I did. I still hate myself for it. Hate myself for having such a weak mind that caused me to do what I did, but I at least could understand WHY. That was a big turning point for me.
I moved into my own flat and still tried to rectify things with my ex. I tried to explain about dissociation but I was always told it was a load of rubbish. I urged her to try counselling with me or even just by herself. She went to one session but she found excuse after excuse to never go to anymore. We started dating again for another year or so but at the start of this year, she decided that she is simply wasting her time as she knows that she will never be able to trust me and she is still adamant that she won't try counselling and still won't even do ANY research on Dissociative Disorder. I have written her letters. Sent her links and all I get back is simply "So what you are telling me is that every bloke who has an affair is suffering from this and its not their fault". I've tried to explain that it is unfair to judge me by everyone elses standards but I am getting nowhere.
Has anyone on here had issues with partners that refuse to believe in their disorders? If so have you been able to talk them round or do I simply give up on the 13 years i have had with the one and only true love of my life and be yet another weekend dad?
I apologise for the life story but you need to know all the facts I feel. Feel free to criticise me. I still hate myself so you won't be able to make me feel any worse. I just hate the fact my ex partner thinks I am the type of person that I know I am not. Since the day I met her, I have never slept with anyone else and that is just the way it should be. That is something that I am proud of.
Thanks everyone. Just talking about it helps...
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