Therapist confused me - would appreciate advice.

Hello everyone. This is my first post on this forum and I decided to make an account here because I am quite confused about myself. For over a year and a half now I have felt like I've never felt before in my life. I've had 3 instances of depression in my life (I'm 21) and they tend to fade after a year or so, but this time, I feel completely different. I used to be such an emotional person who would feel connected to nature, who would laugh and joke and smile all the time, and I even had people tell me before that I made them happy or that they felt good around me. Now, I hardly feel anything. I look outside and can't get that rush of emotion I used to get. I rarely feel like I'm making people happy anymore, and I have literally no friends outside of my parents and boyfriend, despite my efforts. I work and am a full-time college student, but I feel like I'm going through the motions. I only feel a semblance of motivation or excitement on the weekends when I know I don't have classes to go to, but then if I don't go to school for a long time (I've tried it), I start feeling isolated and zoned out. No matter what I do, I have very swift negative emotional reactions to things, I was dealing with frequent intrusive thoughts about a traumatic past relationship (these have calmed down thankfully after a LOT of focus), and my anxiety (which has always been there) seems off the charts. My parents talk to me about how they're upset that I don't seem like the happy, peppy person they used to know, but I don't know what to tell them. This is where the therapist comes in.

I started seeing a therapist for this and she confused me quite seriously. When I initially spoke to her, she came to the conclusion that I am dealing with depersonalization. I agreed that it sounded right. Her method, however, of dealing with it was unsettling and not at all what I thought was 'supposed' to happen after researching this issue online. She had a habit of "opening up the can of worms" and then not doing anything with them afterwards, if that makes sense. She would have me talk about all of these things from my past that bother me, or things happening in my life right now that give me trouble, and we'd talk about them once and then she'd move on like they were solved. We did one session of EMDR about the bad past relationship, she asked me immediately after it if I felt better, I said yes (just because I'd been given the chance to openly process it), and then she never did it again. Within a week the intrusive thoughts came raging back but she didn't seem to think that the EMDR or discussion about them should be continued. This kept going until I finally stopped seeing her because I felt like we were getting no where and that I came out of every session feeling like I'd just gone over terrible things and then was repeatedly told "yep - that's depersonalization for you!"

What didn't help is that she also focused a lot on my current relationship with my boyfriend. It has been having some trouble for a while now, and I can't help but feel that it is largely my fault because of the depersonalization, and this feeling was only made worse by the therapist. My boyfriend and I used to have the most loving, happy, exciting relationship, but after we went to college I think the stress and newness of it was really difficult for us. I also developed this depersonalization issue after going to college and I know I'm a lot different from the confident, happy person that my boyfriend used to love. Now my boyfriend and I fight all the time. It seems we can't hang out together without it getting tense somehow. The thing is, I don't think anything is even that bad - he gets upset specifically at my mood swings, which admittedly do happen a lot, but they aren't ever extreme. I will have a few minutes where I'm really frustrated or upset about something but if given some time, it fades away. It never is given time, though, because my boyfriend starts getting upset, telling me I'm too sensitive and negative, telling me that next time I should just "not get so upset" and then we wouldn't "have a problem". Then it becomes a multiple hour long argument and I tell him that if he just responded normally and kindly, it would never escalate. He then says that he feels like it's always his responsibility to be the calm one and that I should just stop getting upset. It's gotten to the point that I feel like we should take a break or should break up. I love him more than anything but I can't help but feel that I'm collapsing our relationship. The worst part is I feel like a lot of my issues come from my relationship with him. Love has always been the most important thing in life to me (cheesy, I know), and to wake up everyday dreading our next argument instead of feeling loved and cared for is honestly one of the worst feelings I have ever dealt with. I get physical pangs of pain in my body when I think about it. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that me, the person who has always been so into love, is in a relationship that seems to have buried its love. I honestly feel like if our relationship was loving and patient I wouldn't be nearly as bad as I am, but I think he's too frustrated with me and is probably experiencing extreme compassion fatigue. I feel like it's all on me to get better or we won't make it.

A lot of the time I feel like I just wish I had a button I could press that would pause life for a few months or years and I could sit there and try to figure out what is going on with me. I don't fit a lot of the symptoms of depersonalization, depression, or other things, but it's pretty clear there's something going on. My therapist's weird methods of dealing with this only confused me and upset me more and seemed to reinforce that I have 'problems' more than trying to address them. A lot of the time I am reluctant to view this as depersonalization because of the confusing nature of my therapist and her all-over-the-place way of trying to address the issue - I feel like sometimes she didn't even know what to go after with me. I know that no one is supposed to diagnose anyone on this forum and I respect that, but I'd like to know what this really sounds like. Did my therapist take the wrong steps to combat this issue or was she on the right track? I never felt good about going to see her but if she was doing something right, I'm willing to return again, or maybe at least to see a different therapist. Thank you very much for your help.

Hello & welcome to the forum

Personally I would say YES your psyc attacked this in the wrong manner.

Have you heard of trauma transference before? Please google it because its helped me to understand my love/hate relationships with my treating professionals. What your feeling us entirely normal after how she opened your 'issues'

Since neither you (nor she) know the rout cause of the issues just yet, this may be why she backed right off once opening the can.

I was initially being treated for depression, anxiety & PTSD (for over 10 years I have been in treatment for these conditions) only recently has Disassociative Disorders came into it.

The 'problem' is that Disassociative conditions need to be treated in an entirely different matter to PSTD/Depression/anxiety. In face, talk therapy (which is recommended for PTST/D/A) can actually make Disassociative Disorders worse!

This may be why you psyc flipped & backed off once realizing DD's were on the table. The problem is she didn't explain this to you (& psycs normally don't because most of them agree that acknowledging DD's make DD's worse!)

I disagree with that 'finding'. I have had to explode in therapy to get the psyc & GP on my side. M w that I feel I know DID us the problem, I want them to address it.

They have finally agreed but again treatment is different & very slow.

First stage is building a supportive network of external friends and family. If this is not in place, they won't touch on anything else until they can basically talk you into creating this network.

Personally I pushed the issue & then had a major PTSD Flashback episode that required hospitalization..

I have placed the blame on the T's (trauma transference) and try to avoid them because they 'make things worse'. Thankful I've started learning the art of pushing my body to do what its told to despite how the inner system is feeling.

When a this started, I felt crazy!!! I now understand I'm not crazy, I am sick. And I want you to remember the same.

Try googling trauma Councilling in your area. Disassociative Disorders NEED skilled practitioners with experience to avoid making the condition worse before it gets better x

Hello and wellcome! I'm a newbie, too and this is my first post

I have had three depressions episodes in my life accompanied by huge levels of anxiety, panic disorder and one time OCD. I started psychotherapy when I was 20 and went on for three whole years- until I realized that it was no longer useful, or sufficient. I talked to other professionals since then and I now know that she was a very bad one indeed, and also she opened up some of my very private stuff to a friend who was also seeing her- anyway, we both stopped that process.

What I want to say is even though the process was terrible and I got way worse than before after that therapy, I also had some benefits. Transference works in mysterious ways- and it worked for me to get over my OCD not to have it again, but it was not planned or controlled well, so the healing was too limited.

But also, I had the opposite. The therapist I started right after that period was a very good one- I still have and feel the effects of our work together- but the process of that therapy was horrible.

If I had to compare two periods, I would definitely say my first therapy was more enjoyable.

There is a big reason behind this. In psychotherapy, transference is the main issue and until transferences are started to be solved or trust is built, you don't see any concrete results. The important thing to keep in mind is if you see yourself as getting better during the therapy- not necessarily happier in an instant but maybe wiser- or if you feel like you're passenger in a car and don't have any idea about the route. If the latter is the case, definitely talk to your therapist. Sometimes a good one can lack sufficient communication about the route as well, just because he or she thinks you feel it already. If that talk helps you to have some insight, then you may decide to trust them. If not, however, you shall leave as early as possible in my point of view.

Also, I don't know the system is States but in Turkey we have one Association that practising psychologists can enroll -not quite like APA-, and whenever I got the question of "Can you recommend me a therapist", I either check that Association or consult the counseling department of the universities with best psychology programs.

So to sum up, I think you should evaluate your past therapy again to see if it was just resistence or a really bad therapist, and if it was a bad therapist, you should take care in choosing the next one.

Oh and by the way, meditation has been confirmed to have a huge impact on depression, and I would suggest you to try it meanwhile. Freebuddhistaudio has both a website and a podcast. Imaging meditations are not as helpful in my experience, so try to go with the awareness ones (mind-body and metta).