I don't know what I am going through

Hey guys, I am really relying on you right now.
So, I am an international student in The Netherlands since September, and I have always been an anxious person. For 5 years, I got anxiety attacks now and then, and sometimes panic attacks caused by real acute problems in my life and then diminish after. I can say that I was a fulfilled and happy person with no big problems about my life and the world.

Then, on the 17th of October, I tried weed for the first time in my life. It was so strong and I smoked too much. I had a major panic attack and was terrified because I was afraid to harm myself without intention. Anyways, that high lasted for 2 days and I was fine. I mean I did not think about that experience for nearly 2 weeks after, I was going on with my life with absolutely no problems. However, at some point after 2 weeks, I started to overthink, about every little f*cking aspect of my life. I could not stop thinking, and thought that I have a problem, but still no DP/DR. I considered depression, cabin fever and everything. I became obsessed with myself. And on the 10th of November, I had another major panic attack during class, after my instructor said that major depressive episodes are likely to lead the person to suicide. I do not know what happened, I was not even sure if I was depressed, but I was horrified from the possibility that I could ever kill myself. I had no plans about it, but I was afraid that I will get worse and will want to do that. It sounds incredibly silly, I know that, but this was the case.

The days after that, I got worse and worse, and DR/DP hit me. But I am not even sure if it was DR/DP because it was only thoughts at the beginning. I never had the symptoms of 2-D vision, feeling like my body is not mine, or observing myself. I have never had them. But I was sincerely considering the possibility that I am in a dream and nothing is real, and being in this small town where nothing happens just empowered it, I felt like I will be stuck here forever and ever and there is no going back. After some point, I realized this may be a symptom of anxiety, and DR has disappeared. But then, DP has started where I feel like I forgot how to be myself, like I have lost my sense of identity, I get this sudden self-realization experiences where I "feel like" I don't remember what just happened and don't know how did I get here. But I remember everything perfectly. This gave me so much anxiety and so many panic attacks that I convinced myself that I will stay like this forever and I am better off dead.

But recently, I have read so much about DP and DR, and there are so many recovery stories that gave me hope, so I just decided to ignore it and go on with my life as much as I can. But I can't seem to feel like myself at all, I feel like that I have this hypersensitive consciousness that has been lost and could never be found. During all these, I have always told myself that it will completely be over when I get back home, but now I am so scared from the possibility that it won't pass when I get back home, and I would not know what to do then.

I need to hear your opinions, as persons who is having similar experiences, that it is normal and it will get better or whatever. I need to hear why did this happen. If it was the weed, wouldn't it start right after the weed, not 2-3 weeks later? Is it just severe anxiety and overthinking?

Dear telon:

you wrote: "I have always been an anxious person." I understand that your reaction to weed was a relatively recent experience. Can you write more about the lifetime experience of being an anxious person, which preceded by far the weed experience?

atina

this is exactly how i feel, as well! i had a weed cookie last weekend and am now questioning EVERYTHING. my heart hurts, like my sense of self is broken.. where did i go? who am i?.. why the hell am i even on this planet?? i'm constantly, all this week, reviewing my life in the harshest critique.. i feel like everyone close to me, anyone who has met me.. has lied to me, to spare my feelings.. of the truth... that they think i'm Stupid.. but then i wonder- how the hell can that be?? i have a great job! i am knowledgeable, have always been told that by anyone who encounters me, that i am impressive, inspiring, charismatic.. i have done so many health expos where i am holding down the fort, so to speak.. sheer, genuine confidence in speaking about what i believe in...

AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM .....


i am researching detox protocols.. anything to get the traces out of my body.. and i even called a hypnotherapist... hoping to get an appointment soon. i feel desperate for reassurance.. that THIS is all just a wacky, magnified result of a Panic attack, induced by that potent weed cookie...

by the way, i live an organic, whole foods lifestyle and have food sensitivities and am vegan... the cookie was made with LOVE by someone i trust.. who infuses things all the time and is 1 of the smartest people i know.. the weed is from a really pure source in Vermont.. i'm certain nothing bad was laced in it... i'm feeling incredibly vulnerable, have taken a curious chance with this 'magic cookie' .. sigh