Please Help... My Story with DpDr.

Hi everyone ... this going to be a long post and since English is not my mother tongue there might be some language mistakes. The reasone why i write this besides looking for help or even just getting a clue to feel just a little bit better so that i can be just one step ahead, is beacause i really want to get this thing off my chest since nobody understands what i am going through, because of this weird mental illness nobody will understand me better than the members of this section.

I am a 27 years old male who has been suffering from Agoraphobia for 8 years and DpDr for 2 years. Befoer the Dp my Agoraphobia was some how managable untill Dp hit me my Agora became severe that it actually increases Dp everytime i am outdoors. In the beginning of Dp i was able to ignore it, distract myself, socializing all these techniques that gets Dp off your head.

Some strange incidents happened to me with very beginning of Dp that i got IBS, and a mistake in treating a root canal in a tooth in my upper jaw that the dentist put the sticks until it pierced my right sinus. I got IBS from eating the red hot sauce and i didn't know that the sauce was the culprit until my third time. The first time the sause caused an allergic reaction when i was at work, i felt i am going to lose concsiousness but i didn't and this lasted for about an hour till i was home. i felt dizzy, lightheaded , neausa, tingling , looking at cars and people and saying to myself what are these wierd objects they don't look familiar at all, and thought i was daying since i couldn't make since of anything around i said this is absoulotley death.However this event was actually what I am used to now as a severe DpDr 24/7.

After that, lived my life day by day in complete agony, sorrow and pain. I mean no word in the complete history of language could describe even slightly this melancholic state of mind. A year a go i got the job of my dreams since i was working in a bank, now i am a teacher which is better than my previous job in every aspect. but this job was in another city so i was forced to be alone really alone mentally and physically all the time, and you can't imagine a worse state to a person with agrorapgobia and dpdr. i said to myself you know what this a true test that will make me a better person and will give me the capacity to defeat my worst enemies DPDR and AGORAPGOBIA. Unfortunatlly, the opposite was true Dp has become worse and worse everyday, and in correlation making agoraphobia much worse than it was.

Three months ago, the problem in that tooth started to bother me, because i could feel pressure in my sinus after eating, and getting unexplained migrains in the right side of my face, but i didn't think not for one second that the tooth was (maybe) causing the DpDr disorder. Went to a dentist and asked him to take this tooth off. He said that the sticks are very deep inside the sinus and they won't be out. I said no problom, at the mean time i want to get rid of this tooth. So, he did, he even tried to take those sticks out he succeded in taking only one, and two were still inside the sinus. I got up and sat in a chair to talk to the dentist, just after lets say 10 to 15 seconds the pressure in my head and the heavyness in my head whenever i bent over like i have a blood pressure problom were completly gone, and guess what Depersonalization and Derealization were gone for good with the other symptoms. and man i swear to God and i swear on my life there is no feeling more wonderful more miraclous more sincer more heavinly more fantastic more of everything you want than being Dp free. i mean a complete recovery. got in the car and drove to my house, i swear i felt i am in heaven. Everything was clear with no blurriness, you know with Dp you feel everything is in slides like pictures, by that i mean there is no continuation no connection when you are walking or driving and looking around, you feel you are looking at seperate scenes every second as if your brain can't process moving things. So, after that i have lived the most wonderful 5 days in my life but my happiness didn't last long, my dpdr returned worse than before.

Dp has become very severe, and by that i mean my Dp is more physicall, pain and pressure in my head, neck, sinus and ears. fatigue and dizziness 24/7 i feel as if i didn't sleep for a very long time. also, shortness of breath my mind is in a complete fogginess that i can't concentrate on a video game even if it was a simple one, even movies especially new ones, like a constant hangover. Then i suspected an organical cause since the Dp was once healed temporarly. i did a surgery to my sinus and got those sticks out but no luck, did an mri scan to the brain , ct scan to the sinus, a thyroid test which all came back normal, and Dp is still there getting worse and worse by everyday passes by and i am sitting with no clue what the **** just happend. Why this DpDr thing won't go away and leave me be. is this something really hard for the world to bliss me with " to be normal".

The last choice, i went to a psychiatrist and i told him what you have just read. what botherd me the most when i told him about my temporary healing he denied that my healing or my state as a whole could have any organical cause. He prescribed me Entapro( escitalopram ) one pill after breakfast and pristiq one pill after dinner for two months. i haven't taken them for two reasones. First. i think but i am not 100% sure that my Dp has an organic root. Second, i tried therapy and drugs for my agoraphobia and i felt good by while i was on medicences and i remember there were Faverine and Xzanax which left me to what i can describe as a mild version of psychosis after i stoped them. i didn't completly loose my mind i mean i remember myself but something was wrong, then my family took me to a psych ward but they said my state was not that bad to be hospitalized, and they prescribed me three drugs one to help me sleep the other one was after i wake ( and i don't know what that was for) and the third one Respiredal. After that part, i developed a mild phobia of mental drugs and even to some extent psychiatrists because the couldn't help me. and after recovering from agoraphobia for about 2 months, i have it now for 8 years. and i know this section of the forum is not concerned with agora, but i mentioned it because Dp has made it much worse than before and I am literally home bound. and i returned to my familly (which i don't have a good relation with) for the sake of getting treatment and not being alone with my **** up current state.

Please help... any hint any clue any glimps of hope. if only getting better is possible i am satisfied with that. i don't want to be completley normal if that isn't an option. i am a teacher, after 1 month the vacation will end and i am stuck with Dp and agoraphobia. i can't go to the store to buy me some food, how the hell i am going to travel 450KM and stay in my house alone, and teach and talk to students, just projecting myself doing these things make me nervous. I have had suicidal thoughts all my life, and thinking about suicide would make me shakey. But for the last 3 months i have been thinking about suicide from a different angle. i can't escape the idea that there is no treatment no solution except death, and we are going to die anyway, and i prefer being dead than living with this illness for the rest of my life. cause Dp makes you dead inside like a zombi, and even much worse than a zombi. at least zombies don't feel at all, but with Dp you feel nothing except a complete dispear. as if you are hanging between this world and the other world( if there is any) and you can't returen to the real world and you can't go to another world either.i have been contemplaiting suicide, and my only problom with killing myself is feeling pain. The perfect method i found is by blowing my brains out since this is the ****ing organ responsible for my misery, plus a quick and easy death with no chance of a second chance. But the problom that i don't have a gun. thought about overdosing on pills but i think this is the most horrific way to die. what if i died in extreme pain after waiting for hours. What if that didn't work, and i am left alone with a new illness as if the Dp isn't enough by itself.

and Finally, i said everthing was on my mind. and i am only left with one idea since my familly is not cooperative at all " what am i going to do" I don't know what to do anymore. Listen to Venni Paz - is happiness just a word. and i feel for you, for everyone stuggling with Dp I feel for you. because i have severe dp 24/7 non stop even for one minute. I feel for you.

Peace... and goodluck to everyone.