hyper aware of existence

i have extreme pure O ocd all my life. 8 months ago i went through a really stressful and obsessional period of my life that i had no idea would change my life forever. it all resulted in PTSD and then Depersonalization disorder. two weeks ago i was in the shower and had this sudden and intense realization of my own existence within the universe. But it goes farther than just that, life itself, existing in general freaks me out. Being alive freaks me out. Im overly aware of my own existence and my consciousness... i look around and can barely even look at things because everything just seems so surreal and insane that we are here on this planet and that we are alive being able to perceive and interact with things. Its like I'm FEELING reality itself... reality itself scares me. How are we even IN reality.. I'm obsessing and obsessing over existential things to the point where i feel like i can't return to normal.. i feel like I've opened this window in my consciousness that cannot be closed. I just dont understand how we came from nothing and now we are here. Its like i just look around at reality and I'm terrified of it. I feel like an alien among people, how come people dont ever stop and think to themselves... what the hell are we doing here.. how am i able to do these things how am i IN a reality... i feel lost and i feel scared... but most of all i feel hopeless. I miss my old life so much I've became depressed and everything seems boring and pointless. I question human anatomy constantly and how it all works so i can't even connect with people on an emotional bases. I look at things i used to think looked beautiful and it doesnt anymore... its all just products of the universe and existence.. which I'm terrified and bored of. Please help me.

I understand you. And each process is processed by mind. Interior organ and each drop and air and artery is moving in that moment. And the thought of the thought of the thought...

Sw48 wrote:i have extreme pure O ocd all my life. 8 months ago i went through a really stressful and obsessional period of my life that i had no idea would change my life forever. it all resulted in PTSD and then Depersonalization disorder. two weeks ago i was in the shower and had this sudden and intense realization of my own existence within the universe. But it goes farther than just that, life itself, existing in general freaks me out. Being alive freaks me out. Im overly aware of my own existence and my consciousness... i look around and can barely even look at things because everything just seems so surreal and insane that we are here on this planet and that we are alive being able to perceive and interact with things. Its like I'm FEELING reality itself... reality itself scares me. How are we even IN reality.. I'm obsessing and obsessing over existential things to the point where i feel like i can't return to normal.. i feel like I've opened this window in my consciousness that cannot be closed. I just dont understand how we came from nothing and now we are here. Its like i just look around at reality and I'm terrified of it. I feel like an alien among people, how come people dont ever stop and think to themselves... what the hell are we doing here.. how am i able to do these things how am i IN a reality... i feel lost and i feel scared... but most of all i feel hopeless. I miss my old life so much I've became depressed and everything seems boring and pointless. I question human anatomy constantly and how it all works so i can't even connect with people on an emotional bases. I look at things i used to think looked beautiful and it doesnt anymore... its all just products of the universe and existence.. which I'm terrified and bored of. Please help me.

Hi, I have been exactly where you are now and I can 100% guarantee I have had every single thought you have had. I was at a point where my DP/DR literally couldn't get any worse. I would wake up and have a panic attack, I would (and still do sometimes) obsess over the concept of reality and whether or not I was living in a simulation. You are right, once you have asked these questions, you can't un-ask them. This is now your knowledge forever. I have been struggling with DP/DR for almost a year now, and I assure you it gets easier. I no longer really get the sensations of DP/DR unless I drink a lot of alcohol, but the thoughts still remain. What helped me greatly was to take my obsessions as far as I could, by doing this you remove any stigma you have attached to them and they become boring. You need to expose yourself to it as much as possible, it sounds counter intuitive but I assure you it works. You are clearly intelligent and these questions you have are very healthy. Obsessing over them is not. You need to channel your creativity into something that benefits you instead of cripples you.

Take care, it gets easier .

Thank you guys for your responses... Anybody else recovered from this?

Hi.. i am so so happy that I found this. thank you so much for posting.

I saw that you posted this to many sites and i can feel your desperation for help and answers

this is something i suffer greatly from as well. I am sorry that I do not know a way to help this situation, but knowing that there are others that feel this makes me feel better.

I tried explaining it to my boyfriend but he just shrugged it off and said "Wow are you smoking again? You sound totally high." I laughed it off.. but really it hurt me a lot. It also freaked me out more because I consider him to be very intelligent, and for him to respond that way made me feel like I am losing it.

I get totally stuck in thought sometimes. I get lost in thinking about how eyes work and how colors are reflecting from things.. A lot of anatomy things as you said. And just simply being ALIVE freaks me out.

How am I conscious? What are the chances of even being here doing this exact thing at this exact moment? Why aren't other people hyper aware like this? Are they actually alive? What are they feeling inside? If it the same as what I feel and see?

Sometimes the thoughts explode in my brain and engross me so much I lose thought of where i am or what i am or who i am or what i was doing. One instance of this was I actually drove off a curve of the road and ended up in a dried up river bed. So yes, this scares me deeply because this hyper awareness actually caused me physical harm, which of course does not help with anxiety.

To me it feels like my brain is "unlocked" and "overclocking". I felt like i was losing it, but I am very comforted that there are others that feel this way. so thank you.

I am an artist, so I have tried drawing how I feel but it actually makes me feel super uneasy and uncomfortable when i viewed the images I made, so i had to rid of them immediately.
Looking for help with this.. any recommendations are welcome.

I am sending good vibes to all who are experiencing this. We are not alone.

Actually I learnt some time ago that this problem has a name as a disorder but I cant remember exactely. Anyway it was one my step towards the dissociation so I hope it will not be that for you.

Bib, I already am in depersonalization. That is what started this.

I'm actually going through same thing right now, it's pretty annoying. Im just glad to see I'm not alone. I hope we can find our peace soon.

So when I look up the symptoms of depersonalization/derealization disorder, this whole over self awareness isn't listed. But it is what I experience. Glad to know that others feel it too. It isn't that I think that I am in a movie, that others are not real. I have no problem thinking that others are real. I just have a problem acknowledging that I am real. That I exist. How did I get here? How did I know what to say to that person just now? And the really freaky part for me: that others see me and think of me and interact with me. I appear in their dreams! What??!! Okay, I have to go freak out now.

P

I too have these disorders.

The way I deal with them is by accepting it. Accepting that I can see with eyes in my head, accepting I can think, accepting that I can hear, and breath, and that I fully understand how all of that works, why it works, and more.

How can I just accept it? How can I just let all of this information that is outside of my consciousness in, and moreover let it play nice with my sanity?

I have good news. You don't have a choice. You are not separate from the world of which you are hyper-aware. It is interacting with you as you are interacting with it. You are an individual. This is certain. What you are not, is a consciousness floating in the universe observing things happen around it, even though that is what it feels like.

Reality exists without us to observe it. It doesn't matter if I don't understand how I am formulating this sentence as I'm typing it.

What matters is that I'm alive to type it in the first place. What matters is that I can type a sentence that others can read it interperate. That I can write a song and one of you can hate it while another can love it. It doesn't matter why we can do these things or how. It doesn't matter if we do them or not.

It's me. I'm the thing that matters.

Humans.

It's not frightening to me that I don't know how I can self refrence, or think, or move my body. IT'S INCREDIBLE!

We are hands down the most amazing creatures in the entire universe (as far as we know) and we are afraid of our own existence on a personal level.

As far as I'm concerned, the fact that any of us can ask any of the questions we are asking ourselves in this thread is the closest thing to a miracle reality has ever seen.