i this depersonalization?

New here, ill keep it short with the back ground

Have extreme OCD all my life pure O mainly (obsession kind).
step father died at age 12 (cancer) . Mother got addicted to painkillers neglected me for years. apologized as i got older relationship is better. still can't let go though. at age 18 mother got cancer, same kind as my step fathers.. she lived thankfully. Became an extreme hypochondriac which was actually just me obsessing about dying all the time. Always thought i had different cancers. On and off Lexapro since i was younger because of it. Father is addicted to drugs not in the picture.

So all this that I'm going through now started 7 months ago.. Thought I had a brain tumor because i had been feeling dizzy, had a major panic attack one night and had to leave my apartment, leave my job and move back into my Mothers house. I'm 22 years old. I was so convinced i had a brain tumor that i was having daily panic attacks for 3 months straight. I finally got over the fear of it. But i refuse to take anti depressants because i fear them. so after the brain tumor fear i developed something called derealization and depersonalization and that went on for a couple months, thankfully the derealization is gone but the depersonalization is still here. i basically feel weird in my own skin and i feel weird in my own body. All of this was manageable, what I'm going through now is NOT. A month ago i was fishing and i suddenly realized how pointless everything in the world is. This freaked me out. I suddenly became extremely "bored" of life. so if course my OCD kicked in and i started obsessing about suicide, even though i didn't want to do it i was afraid in the future i would get to that point. Well that led me down a very dark path. so over the last month this "boredom" i gotten extremely worse. I started becoming extremely existential and started obsessing over nihilism. I have lost my faith in God and i see no point in existence.. now i know you make your own point to life but everything is just so boring.. i cannot connect to people anymore whatsoever. My gf left me while i was going through the brain tumor fear and that was traumatizing. we are back together now but i still haven't gotten over it to be honest. But anyways i cannot connect to her, its almost like i have forgotten or dont understand the concept of love anymore. Everything has become dull and flat in my life.. I used to have high dreams and expectations but i no longer see a meaning. I used to love to travel but now oceans and mountains and the outdoors seems boring.. oceans are just water, mountains are just rocks.. i see no beauty and its almost like the world "isn't good enough" as stupid as that sounds. I literally get no satisfaction from anything and i long for something that doesnt exist. Its literally like i am bored of existence and it all seems pointless. I do not want to be this way, i cry daily because i miss who i used to be. I feel like the old me died and will never return. I feel like I've opened a door in my conscious on how i view the world now that cannot be closed. I find no happiness or adventure in anything anymore. I used to love cars but now they seem nothing more than just pieces of metal. Its just all so strange, its like I've figured out the meaning of life and i see life for what it really is and its boring. I HATE IT. I am intelligent, good looking and have a family that loves me very very much and i can't even connect and love back. I feel inhuman. i feel nothing. I do not want told **** myself because at the same time i understand that this is the only life you get so you must enjoy it i just dont know how anymore, everything is flat and ugly. Sex doesnt even interest me because I'm so emotionless and i just see people as skin and atoms.. I'm overanalyzing literally everything, its like I'm seeing right through the illusion we call life. As i said, i do not want to **** myself but i cannot see myself going on this way for very long. I can't do it because i only get one life and my family would be very very upset, especially my mother she has already had a hard life and i have brothers and sisters that have lost too much. So i basically stay for them even though life is so ridiculous and just boring. I have yet to find someone else that is experiencing this. What is going on with me? Please help.

oh and i have little to none of these feelings or thoughts while I'm dreaming.. i feel normal when i dream like i used too.

The past seems already to factor against you, very convincing that there was unstable family issues in your adolescent years, which of course is a crucial developmental period. This prolonged exposure of anxiety and stress was a buildup to your depersonalization and the encounter of near failure in a relationship must have triggered a defense mechanism in your brain to block out the outside environment from possible contingencies of trauma. From my experience I can tell there seems to be symptoms of depersonalization, "feeling weird inside the skin" being a great sentence to describe it, heck I had it for years and I still struggle because it is utter confusion. May I add that it is a possibility that some of these symptoms of boredom and lack of wanderlust could branch from hopelessness and anxiety of your condition, which can be controlled if you choose of course (although you may state that power seems to be all but lost) And there is no medication required for that, just inner peace by methods that just don't seem clear to you at the moment... preoccupy your thoughts, this boredom you are explaining is typical from someone who has lack of ambitions and too much time to let his mind adventure so he has no energy to adventure himself and fails to self motivate. Be proud of your struggle, be self righteous around all the people around you can not detect your numbness, do not conflict against it accept it and that would be a preferred first step, and bear in mind it does not mean accept it to plague your life forever, accept the trials and deal with them accordingly, it will be tough.
Regain your ambitions, contribute to society with your intellect, you do seem rather intelligent, this however is fueled by motivation which comes from a lust for adventure... which you seem to be deprived of. This rut is therefore making you bored and with all this time on your hands you become over analytical of the world and so begins the descent into cynical madness about how the world is not what you expected it to offer. Adventure does not search for the adventurer, the adventurer must search for the adventure. We all as humans grow up to become more cynical of nature and society and how pointless it is, especially after the innocent years of childhood... the years that me and you wish to relive and savor each moment. When you were a child you could stare at the patterns on a wall and become fascinated and marvel at its beauty, but then you realize how can I find beauty if now I am more aware of the evils of the world ? Well the beauty really is not within proximity of those evils, the beauty is found within you and your mind.(Imagination) I know it sounds like poetic nonsense made by some hippie, but its true bud, something a guy with a scientific mind of yours need.. imagination... now I'm not saying become ignorant and be oblivious of the outer world and live in your dreams, then you might uhhh.. become borderline psychotic. What I'm trying to say this loss of imagination is not permanent and if you still can't find it, then don't worry this life is temporary anyways. I would contact a someone with experience regarding the chronic DPD, don't lose hope your not alone in your numbness and realism perception of life. Preoccupy your thoughts with pesticide so they won't grow into over analytical monsters and eat you from the inside out. (haha I know Jokester) Sorry if I failed to please and good luck, may tranquility be with you.

Thank you very much!