Intense dissociative episodes/seizures? (TW)

Last week on the 19th, before I got home, I suddenly began to feel a very intense and strange feeling. It felt as if the partial emotional detachment I have had become very severe. It felt as if my numbness had worsened very much. While I was in this state, I felt as if I was diminishing in size somehow and that I was disappearing from my surroundings around me. I also felt as if I was disappearing into thin air. All I felt like I could do in the moment was stare up as if I was in a deep hole and I was looking for something on the higher ground.

No one near me seemed to notice about what was going on with me, which had made my panic worse. I felt as if I was almost paralyzed in a sense. Like I couldn't do or say anything that would let the people around me help me. I felt as if I was in a trance and I would never be able to get out of it. During this episode, my walking felt very robotic because I was walking very slowly and with audible thumps coming from my shoes. I felt as if everything around me was artificial and everything I was experiencing was a dream.

When I was in this state of mind, I became very confused and I wasn't sure what to do in this situation. I tried sitting in a chair at school (the place I was at) to see if my mental state would ease up, but nothing had changed when I tried sitting down. Everything felt so surreal to me and I couldn't tell the difference between what was real and what wasn't. I also recall feeling excessive feelings of fatigue. Another feeling I felt while I was in this state that even though I do not have epilepsy or seizures, I felt as if I was going to faint and end up seizing on the floor.

Once I was able to get home, I wasn't sure what to do with these feelings. Nothing I did seemed to make it feel better. After giving up on my very limited list of options, I went to bed. Especially since whatever was happening to me had sapped me of all of my energy, sleeping seemed like an okay choice to make. A few hours pass by and I wake up, feeling very recharged. Still, my episode that had happened earlier was still in mind.

This Sunday, I suffered another episode that had the same exact feelings I felt when I was at school. This time, it happened at home a few minutes before I went to bed. After typing out a frantic and poorly written message to one of my friends about it, he tried to calm me down by sending me comforting messages, but it didn't make any difference in the moment. Another feeling I felt during these episodes was very overwhelmed as well.

After asking another person I know about these episodes along with the mentions of feeling fatigued/on the verge of a seizure, they mentioned that what I was getting may be related to blackouts, which were a little bit like seizures. I decided to search up the symptoms of blackouts and I had gotten information about them, though I feel as if I didn't get enough. I also came across things like non-epileptic seizures, dissociative seizures, and absence seizures and I've bookmarked a few pages with information on them. Reviewing the symptoms (especially the dissociative seizures), I feel as if these seizures may be possible.

Because of this, I can't help but feel so angry at myself for numbing my emotions as a defense mechanism after my girlfriend broke up with me. I feel so upset that I did this to myself and now I'm possibly even getting seizures as a result of what I've done. I know that I could be facing panic attacks, but none of my panic attacks have ever been this extreme. I'm so scared right now and I have no idea what to do anymore.

Please, I need to know if anyone has faced these symptoms during a dissociative episode/seizure. I feel so alone with this and I feel like I'm done for. I appreciate it if you've managed to make it this far in my post.

RIGHT THERE WITH YOU You are describing this nearly exactly as I have experienced it the past.
It goes without saying that this crap is some of the most unpleasant phenomena you can experience without any serious harm occurring.
Its downright FECKING terrifying. Anxiety sucks. Panic Attacks are scary, inconvenient, and uncomfortable. Dissociative Seizures are HELL.
But they are not dangerous. The first thing you have to do to get on the path to controlling these is learn how to meditate. Not so much in a mystical sense. You literally, and this is easier to begin when you not incapacitated by anxiety or panic or a panicked response to dissociation (though dissociation on its own may actually make it VERY easy) have to learn how to BREATHE. Its not a sub par method of calming down for people at a yoga class. When you have anxiety, you hyperventilate, then your whole nervous system can begin what seems like an overhaul.
Breathe deeply, instead of just into your chest let the air fill your stomach, for lack of a better way of describing it. You should see your stomach push out, I believe its the muscles working. When you breath out, instead of jsut exhaling through your nose, retract your stomach muscles back towards your back so that this movement itself is what forces you to exhale. Your exhale should take maybe twice as long your inhale, it will come naturally if you try, and not feel forced. This is deep breathing, its the healthiest way to breathe. This is how infants breathe naturally. Later somehow it is learned to take shallow breaths into the chest region, and in the case of an episode of panic, take very shallow uneven and rapid breaths and forget even to breathe at all for short stints of time.

Granted, though you may find this practice helpful there is a good chance that your anxiety, panic, DP and "dissociative seizures" are so severe to you at this time that this method alone may not be entirely sufficient in your aid. Depending on your access to medical care, these types of occurrences are what CBT EXISTS to train you to overcome. On top of that, if you have access to psychiatric aid you would be surprised at how well and how immediately benzodiazapines work in the amelioration of these symptoms. The catch with those is that they are dangerously addictive. IMO they are overprescribed. Most people suffer from some feelings of anxiety and many of those anxious feelings are out of place, but long term benzo treatment does rewire the nervous system to become more susceptible to anxiety. I am not a teetotaler. I have experienced dangerous withdrawal and damage to my nervous system from an alcohol addiction that began because of an anxiety disorder. With that being a disclaimer the severe, debilitating, and seemingly unbearable effects of panic and dissociative disorders can very much warrant these pharmaceutical interventions.

If you can, see a therapist and psychiatrist. If money is an issue for you, there are charity organizations in place to assist with this, as well as some form of social services, theoretically ( I am in US and ###$ up health system im not sure where you are)
You may be surprised at how experienced a doctor may be with your condition. As ###$ up as you may think you are, as guilty or weak as you may feel for being so scared or for "repressing something that comes back at you with this magnitude" you have done nothing unnatural or wrong. Do not subscribe to this line of thought, I did because I was very young and had no support system, and I turned to some destructive behaviors when simple medical help or at the very least information could have saved me so much trouble. It will pass. And you will be fine. What is happening to you is no more a sign of your personal flaw than an occasional headache, cough, or loose stool.

While what you are experiencing is a sign of a psychopathological condition, it is highly highly unlikely that you are "losing your $#%^". Your system is just misfiring, powerfully, but harmlessly so.

Best wishes to you I know how hellish it seems.

Hello, greybath. I'd like to apologize to you for not responding to you right away. As soon as I saw that you replied to my thread (which was in April), I quoted your post and saved it in my drafts until I started writing my reply to you. At least it's better late than never, am I right?

I still need to learn how to meditate, but I think that your tips on how to meditate will help me with dealing with this. I'll write down your instructions somewhere and do it if I feel anxious or if I feel like a dissociative episode may be coming on. I think that it will help a lot with both, too. Controlling my breathing when anxious tends to help me a lot, but I also think that meditating could work, too. Thank you for telling me about CBT and benzodiazapines, too. I'm a bit reluctant about therapy/counseling, though I do think that if I find the right one, it could work as well.

The reason why I'm reluctant about therapy/counseling is because I don't speak a lot and I have a fear of speaking, though when I warm up to the person, talking to them (especially about my feelings) can be very easy for me. But considering that my dissociation/depersonalization was caused by me trying to shut out emotions and such, it may be more of a challenge to talk about it. Still, I am determined to not let it prevent me from trying to get help for my dissociation/depersonalization. It's been a very hellish thing for me to experience, and I'd like to see if what you told me can help it disappear, or at least try to deal with it. It's been tiring trying to deal with the emptiness my depersonalization has given me.

I'd like to thank you for telling me about doctors and dissociation/depersonalization. I honestly didn't really know that they could help with that. I was afraid that I wouldn't get the proper help I need with depersonalization through doctors because I'm afraid that they wouldn't help me enough. Generally speaking, when it comes to the mental disorders I have, I mainly have a fear that my doctor won't know enough about what I'm experiencing and it'll take longer for me to recover from it. However, I've found that this fear of mine is more prevalent when it comes to dissociation and depersonalization. However, I'd like to thank you for telling me these things. It's really encouraged me to try and recover from my dissociation and depersonalization. I'm starting to feel a little less ashamed of myself for doing it to myself.

Thank you so, so much for all the information about depersonalization and dissociation as you've experienced it. It's really helped me out a lot. Actually, you've been more than helpful. I also have a question: have you completely recovered from your dissociation/depersonalization? Another question, too, but if you don't know, you don't need to answer it. How long did it take for you to recover from this? Thank you once again and have a wonderful day/night wherever you are.