this disorder is scary

It sounds like you are very frightened about the mental problems you are experiencing, but it seems that the idea of getting treatment for it scares you more. The unknown is always scarey, but I believe the stress you are under will improve with treatment and you can come to understand more about this personality disorder and how to become healthy and happy again. I strongly urge you to seek mental health treatment with someone who specializes in your disorder. Be brave and determined to get your life back. The inner strength is in you, let it come out. God Bless you.