I hate this disorder

I used to be normal, about two years ago I had the worst experience of my life:

My brother's kidneys failed, my best friend announced she was diagnosed with brain cancer, my fiancé cheated on me and left me, the way I found out was because I caught a life long std that won't go away. He told my friends and family that I cheated on him-- knowing I could not tell anyone the truth: I caught something terrible from him.

I lost the only two people on my side. Everyone else called me the cheating whore. My family disowned me because they didn't 'raise me that way'. They cancelled my school student loan so my college career came to a halt.

So there I was, in three days I went from having a perfect life, security, money, a future..

To homeless, penny less, completely and utterly alone....and in desperate need of medication that I have to take every day. I was dying and alone, betrayed by everyone and everything.

That was two years ago, I've made my life better, I've made new friends, I made the most of what I had and now I'm incredibly successful in a short amount of time-- probably better off than if I had actually finished school.

I still take medicine every day because I have to.

There are many triggers. The first trigger is when I forget to take my medicine or take it later than normal: my nerves start to hurt in random places. Sometimes even when I get stressed, even if I take the medicine I still hurt for no reason.

Sometimes if I'm outside too much it hurts for no reason.


It feels like there's a ghost perpetually following me, and if I forget about it and try to just be human it sits over my shoulder and tells me I'm not like them, I will never be like them, and if they found out what I really was they would hurt me.

It's like being a vampire. It's as if I -must- keep a barrier or some distance around me; I'm on the other side of the glass, watching everyone live their lives and experiencing things I am forbidden to feel or see. It's like being cursed.

I love people, I love spending time with them, I love being social, I love getting to know them... But I cannot allow them to get to know me, because I am simply not human anymore.

I remember in the week (it was really three consecutive days in a week but I still say a week anyway) I watched everything, all of my dreams, everything I'd ever known and love, everything familiar turned to ash and despite how hard I tried to catch it, it slipped through my fingers and there was nothing I could do. At the end of those two days when I was on the street with the clothes on my back, and no one who cared about what happened to me, I started screaming--very crazy stuff.

I consider myself sane, I guess... But I screamed so loud and hard, until I felt nothing. It felt like I screamed so hard that my soul left me.

It feels like I have two seperate parts. The first is my soul-- it feels stuck where I screamed. As if it's trapped there; but not just trapped, I mean stuck in that moment. Like there's a foggy part of me that never left that moment in time and never recovered. It doesn't re-play in my head, it's just on pause and can't move.

Then there's my physical self. Strong, but cold. It's like I can check out and keep moving, I can shut down any thought or any feeling and keep moving like a robot, simply animated and programmed on a mission. That's all. I don't want my soul back, because I am afraid to go back to that place, that "time", but yet I know without it, I don't feel anything to the fullest. Everything is dulled over. Even happy times. I don't feel pleased or happy, I do feel a little but of pleasure but it's so small I can still march along unphased.

Nothing even upsets or offends me anymore. There could be a fire around me and I don't think much of it because I know my soul is somewhere else. Everything is hollow.

I cannot let anyone close to me because they would be absorbed and doomed to live out their lives as empty as me. Being around them for too long will change them, it will transform them.
That is why I feel like some monster, or a vampire at best, cut off from everything else around me.

It gets lonely sometimes, but it's been getting easier to teach myself not to want anything from others. Conversation is fun, but I don't need love, I don't need to be held, any other physical needs are simply desired less and less.

Sometimes the feelings get darker, still. Every success financially or in life; the good days and the victories... When they are personally brought on... Instead of being content... All I can think is how I have further to go and more to do; because I want to get as successful as possible, just so the ones who left me behind can watch and weep for cutting me off from the rest of the human race.

They get to compare themselves to me on those lonely and miserable tragic days and know they made this monster. I am successful two years later because I imagine everything positive that happens to me as being a blow to them, I live my life hating them, and I just can't move on.


I hate this disorder, I hate feeling this way because I want to feel fully happy again.
I don't want to feel so cut off and alien... And I know the reality is 'they' didn't do this to me, I'm doing it to myself and they are long gone. But hours after reminding myself of it, I feel these phantom pains in my nerves and it starts all over again.

Hello and welcome.

I understand being alone. I'm reading and supporting. Sorry I can't do much better than that tonight, words don't really mesh well tonight (at least not at this hour ). Hope this finds you doing well.