Being the same person?

I'm sorry, I hope this is in the right forum, I'm really not entirely sure where this goes tbh.

I'm struggling with this and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. It's not just being a social chameleon, it's about completely losing myself to different influences. I was trying to write a letter to my uncle this morning, and I was horrified when I realized that my personality had reset to what it was two years ago, last time I talked to him, in my old environment.

I have grown so much since then, but I just completely regressed. I wrote differently, I narrated in a completely different way, my handwriting was hideous (like it used to be) and no matter how hard I couldn't make it pretty like I am able to do when writing stuff for therapy. I couldn't be myself anymore, or at least, who I am in my daily life now.

I notice this with everyone really, I stop being me and become me+them, and my personality is mostly dictated by them. It's like switching save files in a game. As soon as I start talking to them again, I switch back to me+them. I can't control it.

I'm so frustrated about this, though. It's so devastating to realize that all the skills I am developing can just vanish in an instant depending on who I talk to.

Does anyone know if this is depersonalization, and if so, what kind of treatment is used for these problems? I have trouble really expressing it to my therapist because me+therapist is a coherent person...

By the way, I do get dissociative episodes too, like physically, and like my body image, I look like different people to myself at different times, etc.

I guess it could be. It is obviously dissociation though. I am not going to put exactly what I think down here. But I do think that you should be professionally evaluated if you want an honest and legitimate answer. I wish you all the best! ♥

Chant2012 wrote:I guess it could be. It is obviously dissociation though. I am not going to put exactly what I think down here. But I do think that you should be professionally evaluated if you want an honest and legitimate answer. I wish you all the best! ♥

Thank you. Actually my therapist was just saying we should do a dissociative disorders assessment today when I tried to tell her about this stuff, but we didn't get around to it today. I think it might be the one linked in the check-in, but I am not sure.

Best of luck!!!

I'm glad your therapist is taking your seriously

Writing down like you did here what you are experiencing and giving it to your T can help if it's difficult explaining it properly. To properly assess a major dissociative disorder, the SCID-D is often used. It is lengthy and thorough. The MID (there's a "check-in" thread in DID for it even) is a good starting point to see if anything else needs to be looked at and what type of dissociation you may be experiencing

Best of luck.

lifelongthing wrote:I'm glad your therapist is taking your seriously

Writing down like you did here what you are experiencing and giving it to your T can help if it's difficult explaining it properly. To properly assess a major dissociative disorder, the SCID-D is often used. It is lengthy and thorough. The MID (there's a "check-in" thread in DID for it even) is a good starting point to see if anything else needs to be looked at and what type of dissociation you may be experiencing

Best of luck.

Thank you. She mentioned something about DID (she didn't say it was DID but it was obvious she was talking about that.) I haven't seen her again yet though.

Anyway, I don't know, based on the check in inventory I would probably be diagnosable with DID, I think I have all those symptoms except voices and amnesia. I don't really think I have DID though. I don't have like concrete personas with names and stuff. They just exist in me and I'm only starting to realize that they are so different but still consistent with themselves.

It's hard though, I feel like explaining the depth of what I say and agree to in a social context, and why I do it, would invalidate pretty much everything I say to anyone, including my therapist. I've done this with friends I had made before, been like, slowly more and more honest with them that I don't know who I am, and that we don't have everything in common like it seems, and it always gets to this point where the other person is like, then how can I trust anything you say? And all I can respond with is, honestly, I don't know

Also, I need my therapist's official support in some ways, like she promised to write a letter I need, and I feel like if I told her how deep this issue goes, it would cast a shadow of doubt on her enthusiasm to write that letter... because that letter is like a professional confirmation of an identity I say I have, and have made her think I definitely do have, but maybe is just another extension of my problems...

Sigh, sorry to blabber on though.

Many of us who experience dissociation (and of course, especially with DID) struggle with identity alteration or not feeling like one has a concrete sense of self. Opening up to your T about the depth of these issues will just make her more able to help you and diagnose you properly I understand it can be difficult, but as someone who's bared their soul to both good and bad T's, I know that in the end knowing that you've said what there is to say and tried your best has been good for us, no matter what came of it and not in terms of diagnosis and help. I hope you find a good path towards healing

lifelongthing wrote:Many of us who experience dissociation (and of course, especially with DID) struggle with identity alteration or not feeling like one has a concrete sense of self. Opening up to your T about the depth of these issues will just make her more able to help you and diagnose you properly I understand it can be difficult, but as someone who's bared their soul to both good and bad T's, I know that in the end knowing that you've said what there is to say and tried your best has been good for us, no matter what came of it and not in terms of diagnosis and help. I hope you find a good path towards healing

Thank you this is the second T I have brought up the identity issue with. And I am proud of myself for that!! It's hard but I'm going to keep trying my best to communicate openly about this issue =')

That's lovely I'm really proud of you for how proactive you are about this. You're doing great

Well I took the questionnaire. So we will see soon I guess. I tried to be honest but now I am feeling worried about being confronted about some of the items on it. Some of them contradict things I have said in therapy to an extent. Ugh. The problem is I just really don't know who I am. There were some things that resonated with me more than others though. Have other people with these problems struggled with how to answer questions about yourself? I did it all in one sitting which helps it be consistent but part of me keeps feeling like I should have answered differently... I don't know. Just feeling a lil hopeless about the whole thing.