Hiding The Real Issue

I am wondering if maybe there are worksheets or something that I could use. I remember general ones at the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services. I wonder if any of those, or ones specific to dissociation, would help. (I started trying to write down all my memories, but I do not know that would help.) Something to help recognise feelings, or help understand my dissociation.

Is there anything like that?

I'm glad you are looking into getting some professional help.

I am unsure about worksheets for general dissociation but you may have some luck searching google for "mental health emotions worksheets" or similar things.

It's good that you are noticing how you generally handle your emotions. Even if you're not able or ready to stop your current coping mechanisms, it is absolutely great that you are actually noticing what they are

I hope the services will get back to you soon, if not you may call them again.

You are doing great with taking an active approach to this. Best of luck

They did not phone back today. Which is not surprising since they must be busy. Their phone lines are only open between 10am-4pm Tuesday to Friday. I am at school from 9am-3.30pm. I might ask my mum to ring again tomorrow while I am at school.

I remember the woman at CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) had a whole book of various worksheets, that they photocopied for patients to do. They were for children, but still. I like paperwork. I am having a look online.

A lot of my emotions are linked to my stomach. When I have a moment of feeling bad / down, I feel it in my stomach. I tried to hang onto it but it went away. Now I need to have one of my really happy moments (usually when I am in bed daydreaming and end up rolling back and forth and back and forth ), and see if that also has feelings in my stomach, which I do not think it does. Nor do I think my 'melancholy' (I am sure I am using that word wrong...) moods (where I just am not happy (but not REALLY depressed) and do not want to do anything). I guess I will wait and see. I like knowing things about myself.

Thank you!

Best of luck sorting through everything

Thank you for all your replies.

I had another couple of bad dreams where I did not wake up scared. It is odd.

Today has been good. I was in a very good mood, motivated to eat healthier and things, because I was listening to a song from when I was younger. Also, I remembered how I was when I was younger, and want to be like that again (within reason). I was stronger. Lately I feel rather pathetic in how much I rely on my mum and tell her I need her. Hm...

Still no phone call from the clinic.

I had that scan, to look into my physical issues. They did not see anything wrong, but I will find out for sure in a few days.

I hope this good mood lasts.

I have also noticed how I always want to be really good at something, and be noticed for it. Except then when I am noticed for being good at something, it does not feel good because I know I am not as good as they think. I seem to want external validation and attention a lot...

I hope they call you back soon and that you can figure this all out and have someone to talk to

Here and reading

My mum got a hold of that clinic. They said that it would not be suitable for me, as they deal with cases of severe trauma.

They did give my mum a website, which has a questionnaire. I could not find the questionnaire but the website said to contact them for screening instruments to be sent, which I assume is what the clinic meant. The clinic said to complete that and see if I still thought I needed their help.

I do finally have a date for an assessment by a psychologist. It is in 2 weeks. Which could give some insight, maybe.

It's good that you're getting some screening tools. When you've given them your screening they may be able to refer you to someone they feel is more suitable I hope the psychologist appointment goes well.

Hopefully they will refer you on as they are likely to deal with these sorts of symptoms a lot either in their own capacity or by referring to others

I e-mailed asking for the questionnaires and never got a reply...

However, two days ago was my psychological assessment, and I am happy about how it went, I think! I felt listened to for once. He did seem to think I had OCD though.

Trigger Warning
In my mind, I kind of think, OCD is there for life, it means something is wrong with me that cannot be fixed. Not that it is some horrible thing to have OCD, but it means I would always struggle with it. Though, I heard someone mention OCD related to trauma, or worse with anxiety, so perhaps by resolving those issues it would go away...
End Trigger Warning

He also seemed to believe me about the dissociation. I said that the dissociation getting worse is probably why I have been able to do things for so long, and he said that was the thing about dissociation.

The psychologist is going to draft a report and send it to me. He said I would need a good clinical psychologist (the waiting list is so long that we probably have to go private). So things are looking up.

I was not sure where to put this, so I am putting it here.

I think I realised something. The reason why I... Look for things that may have happened to me (bad things) or things that may be wrong with me. I think is because I want people to know that I am struggling, and to be kind to me. At the same time, I do not want people underestimating me.

I do not know what to do with that information.