Not sure what am I

Alright guys, here I'm going to share my 16-tear life with you. I hope anyone of you can explain a bit about my situation and I really hope I can find someone to relate to.
As a child, I was very observant and living like an outsider. I can't say it's a bad thing because this "intelligent power" of being an outsider has made me know how to flatter people and people think I was very nice. It feels like I manipulate everything from me. In short, I could be whoever I want! I wondered a lot of questions about life but maybe I was too young, I wasn't anxious to find out the answer. I just did it because my mind is so active!?
Now,at first, I feel like I have the Depersonalization disorder or something. I thought that is the explanation of my life but unlike the patients of this disorder, I'm never anxious nor panicked. I just feel nothing.I usually use " I don't care" to express myself. Not because I'm lazy, but it is just the way I feel. I feel like I'm way too sane for being a human as whenever I do something, I'm like I take a step back and do it very delibrately. A lot of people have depersonalization usually panicked because they don't know whether they are real or things around them are real. I also wonder all these philosophical questions, but no matter things are real or not, I just don't care. If you tell me everything in this world including me are fake, I won't be scared, instaed, I will keep on asking " what do you mean by fake or real? is there any standard for that?"I have thought about seeing a therapist, but it will be like talking to a random listener as I'm not seeking for help as I don't think anything can cure me for being too sane. Maybe I'm born this way, imitating people is the only way to live??? It sounds a bit sad, but sadly, I don't really care, maybe I'm tired of all these things...
I also feel that I'm kinda "godlike" as I create everything. I have a rich fantasy world. The only thing that connects me with the outer world is I have normal 5 senses. I see things but I feel nothing. My mind and my body is totally detached that the body is just a tool to keep me alive so that I can think about my own fantasy world. I know I still have a lot of questions about existence and life, but now I just don't care about anything. The most pleasant thing in my life is when I close my eyes, I don't think about my physical body, and totally indulge in my own world.
I know my life can't go on like this as I'm at a point of no return. As long as I still have my mind, I'm gonna be like this. Someone feels the same with me???

Hi JayAmsterdam! Some of the things you say, I relate to when I was a kid.
observant, too intelligent for my age, at a distant with other and all.

I checked into aspergers, there is autism in my family (with a test online I came within the range)
I have also tested depersonalisatie, also positive,
read around in the forum, make some test online....find yourself, that is what we all try to do,
and then be open to be helped!! it is a process, we come in as outsiders, and before we know it, we are at home. mental health is a taboo, and it takes time to accept that maybe we can not solve all alone. Like my psych tells me: healthy people and crazy people are the two extremes,
there is a 180 degree angle, and the rest of people are somewhere between, whether they realize it or not.

As a child, I was very observant and living like an outsider. I can't say it's a bad thing because this "intelligent power" of being an outsider has made me know how to flatter people and people think I was very nice. It feels like I manipulate everything from me. In short, I could be whoever I want

That was my main problem all my life until 3 years ago.I relate much to that.At the same time I was sad as I failed to understand how the world of people is like which made me think sometimes like thinking in my head: can you please let me be with u in your world!People always thought I was intelligent, I myself thought so until 3 years ago but I was viewing from outside

Maybe I'm born this way, imitating people is the only way to live???

I relate to that one.i have always lived by imitating people as if I had no characteristics of my own. I always felt like I want to be perfect at many things..infact I was not able to. Then I told myself ok I want to be good at something..all people know/ are good at something but I am not. I only imitate. And being an observer from outside enabled me to know what qualities are people drawn to in other people and accordingly I decide to imitate this! I just knew it will work but don't know why it worked!

The only thing that connects me with the outer world is I have normal 5 senses. I see things but I feel nothing. My mind and my body is totally detached that the body is just a tool to keep me alive so that I can think about my own fantasy world

I relate to that one somehow. Because I couldn't relate at all to the people's world , I finally told myself I have feet and hands so I am from this species why I can't relate to them:) I felt empty, like a robot. When I go to a funeral I used to draw a sad face coz sometimes I couldn't feel sad emotions and wanted to look normal in front people. When there are good news from friends and everyone happy and hugging , again I couldn't do this and had to act/ imitate to look normal and I succeeded at that and people never doubted I am acting. I was perfect at acting!

-- Sun Sep 15, 2013 7:39 pm --

I forgot to mention I am not diagnosed with depersonlization disorder. I was diagnosed by different psychologists with anxiety,depression,borderline,schizoid,major depressive disorder,ADD,bipolar,conduct disorder as a child, depression with psychotic features..even in my assessment scored high for other disorders and was mentioned in the assessment but not as a diagnosis...which is not convincing as I can't have all this.

Hi Angel123,

I forgot to mention I am not diagnosed with depersonlization disorder. I was diagnosed by different psychologists with anxiety,depression,borderline,schizoid,major depressive disorder,ADD,bipolar,conduct disorder as a child, depression with psychotic features..even in my assessment scored high for other disorders and was mentioned in the assessment but not as a diagnosis...which is not convincing as I can't have all this.[/quote]

this is the first time i meet two people who seem to cross the forum horizontally and not vertically.
I can move around this forum and feel at home. I have made a number of tests and like you seem to score high in several disorders. My psych is delicate enough to speak about hypothesis,
the first one was episodes of psycosis, then after a year he began to say that maybe we needed to change our hypothesis, among others to DID and depersonalization. But i also score in high functional autism, severe anxiety, bipolar, schizo and many others. Imitation has been an important learning tool in my life.... vascular dementie is not totally discarded since it runs high in my family. What is funny is that i have lived my life thinking that i was a very special person, with many gifts, more than others. Actually i still do, with the new awareness that some of this gifts have their other side,
and need to be taken care of.

Hi i have bean fighting for 12 and a half years to no or get a diagnonses for my child and if it was autisum then i would get the flags out as it is some thing that you then can get support for help for so life can move forward my point is its a diagnoses and no it dont think it was rude and a good point i think head docs so move and help familys instead of sitting on the bottoms and getting paid x

this is the first time i meet two people who seem to cross the forum horizontally and not vertically.

Don't get what you mean

But i also score in high functional autism

3 years ago when I first went to a psych. I told her I score high (a test i made on my own)on Aspergers too. I relate to symptoms. After diagnosing me with many things ,she told me you have a bit of everything!!!!

What is funny is that i have lived my life thinking that i was a very special person, with many gifts, more than others

lol me too

AronSmith wrote:Hi i have bean fighting for 12 and a half years to no or get a diagnonses for my child and if it was autisum then i would get the flags out as it is some thing that you then can get support for help for so life can move forward my point is its a diagnoses and no it dont think it was rude and a good point i think head docs so move and help familys instead of sitting on the bottoms and getting paid x

Hi AronSmith, my sister has a boy with autism. Yet she has fought for him to stay in a regular school.
She has to put so much work to help him assimilate things before they do them so that he can better function. I do not know how functional is your child. My sis needed help.

sometimes people can function being a little bit different, while for others these differences are too evident and make it difficult to function.
i do not know where you live and how are families and autistic children helped. in every country is different.

-- Thu Sep 19, 2013 6:25 am --

angel123 wrote:

this is the first time i meet two people who seem to cross the forum horizontally and not vertically.

Don't get what you mean

hi angel123, what i mean is that i move from one forum to the next without problems, i relate to what they say like if i belong there, for example, i began with aspergers, and i loved it, but then
i found depersonalisatie and i continued there, and the anxiety, and i was at home, and then insomnia and i could give so much advice, and of course psicosis and her sis squizofrenie..

my doc says that i also have a bit of different things. i have seen death people, hear voices inside and outside of me, sometimes telling me things that i must say or telling me things that will happen, i could write and encyclopedie about dreams by themes that last up to ten or twenty years.
on the other side my brain is becoming slower, i am vey inclined to do simultaneous things, i mean several things at the same time instead of one thing and then the next. yet in social life i can barely funtion with the basics....a room two people talking is a mess in my ears.

my own theory is asperger..of high functional autism, then because of the anxiety and some problems at home depersonalisatie and DID, also because of my genes....symptoms of dementie...
anyway in my cultur all this things about voices and dreams is big time celebrated as a gifted person, so i do not mind all my pecularities.

loise wrote: What is funny is that i have lived my life thinking that i was a very special person, with many gifts, more than others.

I feel the same too. At times when I'm at good mood, I will think that I'm special. However, at times I'm feeling empty, I will think that I'm nothing but a human without a soul. It sounds horrible but I have a strong feeling that my mind and my body are separated units. I wish I am diagonosed with autism or asperger...I know I satisfy some symptoms...but maybe I can imitate people's verbal skills too,so I'm not as inferior as not talking to people. I wish I have some sickness that can describe my feeling as I just want to fit in somewhere.
As a kid, it is proud and good for me to think that I'm special, but as I grow older, I know I can't live in this way. I JUST WANT TO LIVE!!!!! It's like I'm stuck in a state, life is passing but I can't go forward or go backward...
Do you think an austic or asperger person can behave the way I do??? I just went to a psychiatrist but it is so hard to describe my feelings to him...he gave me DEANXIT but it doesn't work well on me...

angel123 wrote:

I relate to that one.i have always lived by imitating people as if I had no characteristics of my own. I always felt like I want to be perfect at many things..infact I was not able to. Then I told myself ok I want to be good at something..all people know/ are good at something but I am not. I only imitate. And being an observer from outside enabled me to know what qualities are people drawn to in other people and accordingly I decide to imitate this! I just knew it will work but don't know why it worked!

I relate to that one somehow. Because I couldn't relate at all to the people's world , I finally told myself I have feet and hands so I am from this species why I can't relate to them:) I felt empty, like a robot. When I go to a funeral I used to draw a sad face coz sometimes I couldn't feel sad emotions and wanted to look normal in front people. When there are good news from friends and everyone happy and hugging , again I couldn't do this and had to act/ imitate to look normal and I succeeded at that and people never doubted I am acting. I was perfect at acting!

A lot of my friends say I'm quite a versatile person. Yes, I know quite a number of things, but all of them are just superficial skills. Maybe I can't feel it, so I can't take those skills to a deeper level. I also think that I'm a good actor. I act as people live. All I know is I've lost something called "spontaneity". Sometimes it's quite fun cuz I can act like whoever I want to be. However, I just know it's not what life's about. How can I ever love someone if I can only act to love someone??? The desire to love someone is present in me, but I just can't put it in reality...it sucks cuz at some point I still know I'm a human, but it just doesn't feel like I can fit in the human race...
I still have emotions, I can feel angry and even cry, but I still feel hollow inside as it is like the body is crying, not ME is crying...I feel empty, but at the same time, I still feel that there's something inside of me waiting to be freed...

Jay, i do not know if this will help...i hope it does.
i have spent maybe 20 years thinking that i was a more cerebral person. when we were asked about the motivation behind the help we brought to sick people, everybody without questioning would say...their heart! i would really think within and i said: my brain. My principles are my motivation to do what I do, not feelings (we worked with people with HIV and their families). I have moved this way for many many years. For example, three years ago, this woman asked me to support her with praying because his man was going to died. we have prayed and done many other things since then. Her man died last week. I feel nothing. But i do not think, i have to feel something. I am there for her...to me ..feelings can be so "rommelig".
However being with a psych almost three years i have become a better observant of myself. The other day i had an amazing emotional storm within which i quiet down after an internal implossion. So it cross my mind...could it be, that emotions are so overwhelming and radical within me, that i have shut them down?...i made a bipolar test online...amazing, super positive.
So i take a distance to avoid things that will take me off balance. I have done it most of my life. And that is probably why it is so difficult to me to start a relationship with someone. I do not know how to deal with that department.
i think that we are special, positively, and without denying that we need help in some areas to better function in a society (that is sometimes very sick and deceiving).
do not despair....keep looking, keep questioning yourself,
the people that we remember today, are not the people that went throught life in roller skates. We remember the crazy, the genious, the philosophers, who had a lot of trouble with the status quo.