My Experience

I guess I just discovered the word to describe what I've been going through lately. Depersonalization.

I wouldn't really say I'm here for help but to just get a better idea of how to deal with it.

I didn't really notice until late in my teens that I had certain things that I did as I kid that wouldn't necessarily be considered "normal" but not out of the ordinary. I had a lot of nervous orders. I had a brief period of stuttering. I never was biting my nails. I do recall one of them being a knuckle cracking habit that I couldn't control. Most of them that I had throughout life lasted around 2 weeks. Anxiety for me actually seems to be about the same time as well.

I had a time when I was visiting a long distance girlfriend and I was overwhelmed with anxiety, even after getting there. It was hard to eat really until a few days later. Once I got home and a week or so later it passed. This is pretty normal for anyone to experience though.

This happened again when I was overworking myself (55 hours a week on top of walking over a mile a day in the heat and working a couple hours a day in a 120F kitchen) I know people have gone through worse but, that's some pretty crazy conditions to put the body under. I wasn't eating right and drinking loads of caffeine, on top of that only sleeping maybe 6 hours a night. I eventually couldn't eat at all. My stomach felt knotted. I eventually started having anxiety and later panic attacks. My heart would race for no reason at all and uncontrollably, no matter what I would do. I found it hard to eat sometimes without the feeling of anxiety returning. I couldn't sit passenger in cars. I couldn't sit and watch a movie. I had to keep moving around to keep my mind off it. I even had a short hour period of shakes at one point. I thought maybe I had develop diabetes from intaking too much sugar or something but I checked out fine at the doctors. I then discovered I was dealing with anxiety/panic attacks. After about a week I slowly evened out.

I refused to take medication because I knew my entire life I was fine, why would I need something now? I decided then was a good time to fix my diet, take some time off work, and ease down to 30 some hours a week, and start exercising again. Also completely cut caffeine out of my diet and started drinking water. After about two weeks or so, I evened out again and started to feel what was "my normal".

I made it a lot of months without feeling like this. I returned to drinking caffeine maybe, once a week and I was alright with it. I spent my spring and summer months, playing guitar with friends and singing. Going out to eat and drinking with them. Doing things together. I sometimes would stay at a friends and we'd drink and play games. I wouldn't say I became an alcoholic but it was an almost once a week thing for me, which is a bit much. My bandmate ended up breaking up with his girlfriend who is also my friend, so we never hung out with each other as a group anymore. He moved out of town with a buddy of he so we haven't hung out in a few months. His ex (my friend) is so busy with college and work we can never hang so, it's been hard getting out lately.

So, back in December. I was back to drinking caffeine more regularly. I noticed my anxiety was slowly sneaking up again. It was a little different this time though. I was having trouble breathing. I kept feeling as if I was gonna pass out, especially when driving. Then I'd fear I would pass out and hit someone, or a tree. It really worried me but I been through it before so I kept telling myself, it's just anxiety, there's no reason to worry. It's been better the past week but two weeks ago, I kept having constant feeling of having trouble to breath and the usual symptoms of a panic attack on setting.

Then, the reason I'm placing this topic here is, lately I've been feeling lack of connection to the world. I did have a brief period, maybe week or so, where I was feeling numb. Like, not even sad, or depressed just, nothing. I felt like everything was a dream kind of. But, an emotionless dream. I actually had this problem a year ago when I was dealing with anxiety. It was in October of 2011. I'm beginning to wonder if it's some sort of "cabin fever" I'm dealing with. Just being cooped up in the house all the time is getting to me. I also lost my life goals. Everything seemed pointless. Like, I could go to work, but why? But, I refuse to let these get to me and I just continue on with life. I figure maybe it's just been the repetitiveness of everything as well. Works on a pretty set schedule. My friends are hard to hang out with at the moment because EVERYONES working now. I've been making a better effort of getting out and doing stuff, seeing movies, going out to eat with people, to keep myself going. Trying to make new friends on the side.

I've been slowly working through this depersonalization problem the last two weeks. I just decided a few days ago it's time for me to go to college and keep going. Even though I don't know what the future may bring, or the reason I should even really worry about the future, I need to worry about now and just move slowly. I know the one thing that's not helping is lack of human contact. I do work with people daily but its the same people and not really anyone that I can really talk to about anything. I do text/message people often but it's different. It's not the same connection. I like vocally speaking to people, and joking and seeing people in person. It's kinda strange but it's almost like I have an anti-social anxiety disorder. I NEED to be around people. It's probably due to my childhood of being alone all the time, playing with Lego's, watching TV, playing video games.

I used to really lack in self confidence during my teens and early 20's. I'm almost 23 now. After working for the last 5 years, I've really gotten better with talking to people and being more open. It's been a life changer really. I've also been more confident with singing and playing guitar. That's kinda helped me through this as well. I keep telling myself though, one of the important reasons I'm here is, to help people. I like helping people, making them laugh, keeping THEM going. If I don't keep going, I can't help them.

So, I guess this isn't really, "How do I deal with depersonalization" but, maybe it could help someone. Especially anyone with anxiety, or anyone having trouble being open, and social with others.

I seem to be pulling through this. I do recall that, through most my life I've dealt with daydreaming a lot. I also feel like I'm somewhat numb. I do have feelings of love, and sadness, and feelings of hope, and sympathy. I know I'm still here and well, it's just I feel as if I'm floating between two worlds at times. I think I'll be fine though. Just gotta keep on keepin' on, as Joe Dirt said Sorry if this is a bit rambled and my points are a bit scattered. It's 4AM, I'm tired but I felt the need to share this and get some input and maybe help someone else dealing with similar issues.

I also feel like I'm somewhat numb. I do have feelings of love, and sadness, and feelings of hope, and sympathy. I know I'm still here and well, it's just I feel as if I'm floating between two worlds at times.

Although what you are describing is horrendous for you; the good news (unless you have left anything out) is that your depersonalization is on the milder end of the scale.

You are doing a lot of the right things.

I have fully recovered from chronic DP/DR so have many others and so can you.

Good luck.

JJ

Well that's good to hear, coming from you. Sorry it took so long to reply. I've been working a lot of hours and I had some bronchitis to get over last week. So far it's been looking on the better sides of thing, life wise. Making more money. Less stress in that sense. Trying to get financial aid taken care of for college in the fall. Gonna sign up for classes here in two weeks when I can. A girl has recently entered my life and I feel like, she's like an angel or something because she couldn't have come at a better time. We've both experienced some not so fun times in our lives and we both just needed someone nice and supportive so, I feel she's gonna help me get through this. I'm trying hard on my own to push it aside and keep moving. I think it's mostly because, the anxiety is causing me to lose thought on what it was like before all this happened. Can't wait for summer either. Winter's pretty depressing. I should consider moving farther south I think, haha.

Basically how I've been feeling lately, is I'm lacking interest in some things that I normally do. I still play guitar and sing sometimes but not as often. I've gotten back into video games more though. I've been trying to do things that I used to do when I was younger, to help me cope in a way. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm experiencing a bit of PTSD. My age 15 to 17, my Mom had gone through alcoholism, my parents divorced, my Dad was doing crack and him and his crackhead girlfriend would fight all the time and I could barely get anything done in school really. I blocked it out by playing games and listening to music all the time. I'm beginning to wonder if that's starting to affect me now. I still have that feeling like, I'm dreaming all the time. I don't fully realize I'm at work sometimes. I don't pay much attention when I'm driving in my car though, I'm fully aware of whats going on around me. It's like other people have said, like being on auto-pilot. You're subconsciously running but not putting much thought into things. I've been beginning to wonder if I should put caffeine back into my diet, subtly to help my brain "kick start" again. I've always had a bad problem with caffeine, ever since I was, 15, 16. Even younger but got worse around then. I've given it up then gone back to it. If i don't sleep right and have it, I'll end up with anxiety but I feel like, I'd rather deal with a little anxiety than to deal with feeling like, I'm numbed down all the time.