sharing a secret

literally no one knows this about me. i find it very weird myself, but sadly i'm addicted to it. brief history of me: brother molested me from 1st or 2nd grade until the summer of my 8th grade year. the greatest memory i have of my father is when he beat the crap out of me until i was black and blue and he had to beg me to come out of my hiding spot. i dont remember why that happened. so....ever since i was 12-13, (im 24 now) i sort of created a different me in my head. basically everything i lack in this life, i have in that one. i find myself living an automated "life" because my mind is so trapped in my "world." i will space out for hours at a time. going through the motions but not really concentrating on what i say or do. makes work pretty hard considering im always spaced out and i keep misplacing important paperwork. ive tried to force my mind to stop going back. highly unsuccessful. i dont know if my mind is trying to force me back to reality or if i just need to create drama in my head, but my real world problems are starting to flow into my created world. its not so perfect anymore. the sad part about all of this is that if i could be one of the "crazy" people that sits there staring at the window all day, not conscious of anything at all, i would definitely chose to be that person living in my head, than to be who i am right now.

I'm not a proffesional. I'm just trying to help.
I think you're facing the same thing as I am. Last night, I was being crazy. Crazier than you. I started to yell like it's 2012. I just want to put some humour. And actually, it's too complicated to explain so let's just say I was yelling like it's 2012. Anyway, last night, I was being so crazy. Because I was having thoughts of that scary movie. You shouldn't watch it! My dad still don't know what I feel so as my mom. It's a long story. Today, I was angry because of last night. After reading posts in this forum, I don't know about this "alters". So I Google it and found this: http://www.indigohalo.com/what_is_an_alter.htm
I realized that alter is like an imaginary person. You should go read it. But what I'm trying to say is your imaginary person or alter is VERY important. I think I was crazy last night because I didn't "listen" to my alter.

Im sorry to hear about your experiences, to have expressed these on a forum is so courageous. It takes a lot to post on here with something so personal. It sounds as if the only way you were able to survive such experiences is by removing yourself, by creating your own safe place. Although I have never experienced such traumas, I understand retreating into your mind to block out the pain, and finding that the world in your head is so much better than anything you could ever have in the real world. I often depersonalize, and the more I retreat into my mind, the more I am unable to recognise my reflection in the mirror, and the more I feel as if I were a robot, unable to feel anything. Sometimes I spend hours and hours staring out the window. Until my brain crashes to reality and I feel all the pain of a thousand avalanches upon me forcing me to face what a false and empty life I really have. If its reality, or the world within my mind where I am safe and even experience one moment of something other than suffering, I take it. Forcing myself to stop is rarely successful. I have found therapy has helped me a little, it helps me focus on the real tangible part of my life, which is painful, but over time I have begun to retreat somewhat less into my mind. I know that this has taken overwhelming courage to post on here and tell your story, but I would strongly recommend that you use these forums or a journal to verbalise these experiences, it can help you to recognise and understand whether you have certain triggers, and also how much time you spend in these states. It also can help you to get the courage to consider therapy, which I know must be confronting, but it really can help bring you some connection to reality.

Please know you are not alone, and you are not crazy. I wish you all the best.

I appreciate both of your responses. When i think about my triggers...its pretty much everything. Boredom, trying to make myself sleep, basically anything involving me being awake. I even space out at work which is why i do my best to do other things that require me to avoid customers. The only time im not spaced out is when im trying to concentrate on my xbox live or having a direct conversation with someone i feel is of importance. And thats not a lot of people.