Is this a DPD?

Hi all,

For a long time I'm thinking about this problem and I don't know if I can classified it as DPD.
Namely, I'm almost in my 30's and I have this enormous fear that if I loose my father I don't know how I would handle that.
Just last night I have a dream in which I was facing a moment like this and I was in great fear, and I just wanted to wake up and to tell to my father that I love him and that I appreciate all the things he did for me in my life.
I suppose that it is a fear of loosing him and not let him know that, in a way.
But our relationship is not so open flowing with telling emotions, the emotions in my family were expressed through different stuffs then just telling the emotions, for example buying some gift as an exchange for the guilty feeling of "I'm sorry" and etc..

I know that this may not have much to do with the dependency syndrome, but I will get there.
I think that I'm dependent on my father and all these years he was always supportive of me and whenever I wanted to get on my own in life I always landed to his shoulders as a protection (financial and other needful stuffs).
In a way, I think I'm still not a grown up.

But no matter how hard I try, it seems out that this relationship is stronger, I think that in a way he also wants to have me here as an emotional security, I think he is also jealous of me letting me go grown up (even though he always tells me that I need to do that) and going away from him.

This is a relationship which is deeply emotional but not-expressed.
From the earliest childhood he was always here for me, he was playing with me more than he was playing with my brother, he was buying me all the stuffs I wanted as a kid, he was fulfilling me all the wished I had.
In a way - he made me dependent on him, and this is the thing I feel now is like a pressure for me and I don't have the strength, the capacity, the will to make a family on my own or to try to make something out of my life without my father.

This is partly do to my Receptive nature.
Though, I believe that everything will be ok in its own time, I'm a believer that all stuffs grow in their own time, and that often the natural order of things around is making the things to be perfect in their own time. This is in what I believe from experience. But still, this doesn't mean that I have to be careless. I want to understand the inner dynamics of this relationships and therefore I've decided to share it with you on this forum, maybe someone else is having the pretty similar relationship and I can use an experienced advice.

Thank you

Hi. You don't mention your mother, which makes me wonder if she's not around. If she is not around, then this fact, which would be a loss in itself for whatever reason, would have impacted upon your fears of losing your father. In many ways we all fear losing those we love. I have lost many family members to death, perhaps many more than average, and I'm sure this impacted upon the fears that I once had about anything happening to my children, who are hardly kids any more.

Life of course holds no guarantees. No one can guarantee that nothing will happen to those we love. We can't say for sure that we won't lose them. By the same token, we don't know for sure that anything will happen to them. Perhaps our biggest fear is not their death, for we will all die one day, but the fear that we will outlive them, and be left with a void, and empty space which the loved one used to fill. If we spent our lives being ruled by that fear, then we would lose that which is most precious - which of course is the present moment of our time with them. That is the only guarantee that we have, and we really can spoil that present moment by being engulfed with that fear. By the same token, if our loved ones outlive us, they will also feel the loss of us. If your loved one was engulfed with that fear of losing you, how would you feel? Constantly reassuring them and adapting your life to fit in with their fears would impact greatly upon you and upon your relationship. You'd want them to manage their fear and for it not to engulf them, for their sakes and your own.

Somehow, for our own sakes, and for the sakes of our loved ones, we need to let go of that fear. I don't know if you fear is related to DPD or not, and the forum can't diagnose. I also don't have the disorder. Letting go of the fear is scary, but it will provide peace of mind and the freedom to enjoy the relationship. Speaking to a therapist about your fears will greatly help. Therapy can help you to process your emotions, whether or not they're related to a disorder, and help you to discover the origin of them.

Hi masquerade, thank you for your reply and sorry for my late reply.
My mother is here but I was always more connected with my father, actually from him I've learned what unconditioned love means. I mean, he was always here when others go. And one part of the fear is, I think, because the thing that I will be left alone without any emotional support in my life.
The Primal Motivation of my inner being is the need for emotional security, and I get this from my father, the support I needed. So, in loosing him, I think the fear is of loosing the whole world.

I understand that my relationship with my father is not unique and that many people had experienced it on one way or another. The parent-child bond is most complex and special.
And I think that the part of the fear is natural, it is what we people have as fear of death and loosing as you said masquerade. But here is how we learn to be grown up people, how we learn to live the life like a mature person. I hope that all these inner experiences would lead me to that path of acceptance of the life as it is and that I will be able to stand on my own feet without having the fear that if I don't have the support I will not be able to survive.

Thanks again masquerade!